We have been seeing each other a little over 2 years and nothing has changed since day on. In fact, it may have gotten worse. In the beginning we saw each other twice a week. Now, only once, or even every other week. I want to see him more often, but I know the stress he is under, and I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain. We live 30 minutes from each other so it is not easy to just come by on a daily basis for a short visit.
His dad is very demanding and wants him there 24/7. At first, it was just a selfish thing, now it has turned into that his dad is getting dementia and almost can't be left alone for long periods of time. I try to be understanding, but it's hard sometimes. Here's the clincher--he has never left home because his parents have always been very posessive of him. His mother didn't want him to date, or marry, or leave their house. He did everything for his mother. Took her grocery shopping, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, etc. She died about 11 years ago and he continued to live there to take care of his dad, who is 95.
My BF did go to college and did work as an engineer for several years until they closed down the company he worked for. Since then he has worked part time jobs while taking care of his dad.
His dad refuses to have outside help come in so that my BF can get a break and we can have more time together. He also refuses to go to senior day care centers or assisted living facility. He constantly cuts my BF down. I think he does this to lower his confidence so that he will believe that he needs his dad to survive and he won't leave.
My BF tells me he would've gone off the deep end if it wasn't for me. But, I feel like I'm nothing more than his once a week stress-releaser, and nothing more. I know nothing will change until his dad passes. I wasted the best years of my life in a very bad marriage. I'm 46 and not getting any younger. My BF is 51 and he still hasn't had a life of his own. His dad could live another 10 years.
Am I wrong for not wanting to wait until I'm almost 60 to start my life together with him? I know if I broke it off with him it would send him over the edge, and for that i would feel terribly guilty. I love him very much and i just want to be with him. The way things are now, I feel like we have an on-again-off-again relationship because we see each other so seldom.
I know this sounds more like an advice for the love-lorn letter, but I am desperate, here. Any advice would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks, in advance.
Wrong. This guy won't be 'free' in so many ways for a long, long time... You have no idea of the scope of what you're dealing with this guys mentality. Sure, he may be physically free, but mentally? He's got a long, long way to go until he reaches that point. If he ever does.
"People don't care about people anymore, only themselves."
Really. I guess that's why you're on a site filled with countless people that are sacrificing and taking care of.... other people.
Your situation with this man isn't 'a bit difficult'. You're dealing with a man who's dealt with a lifetime of abnormal oppression. That's done a hell of a number on his mind. Things with this guy are going to be 'a bit difficult' in more ways than you now realize for many years to come. Bet on it.
Good luck though! I hope it all works out. I believe in standing by someone, too. But you're already antsy for change. And I'm here to tell you, change with this man will be a long, long time coming... He's not carrying baggage, he's carrying a mountain on his back. He won't be shed of it overnight. More fool you if you think it'll ever be that easy.
Crepelia, I believe the guilt is overwhelming for him. To go against his dad's wishes just about kills him. You can see the almostshame on his face and hear it in his voice. His parents must have pounded it into his brain that he must obey their wishes or be known as the terrible son. He says his dad bad-mouths him to family, friends, neighbors whenever he leaves to go see me. But, they understand the situation and know he needs to have a life other than taking care of his dad.. He has income. He works part time. I also believe he will feel finally free when his dad dies.
Lulabear, I have taken all of those things into consideration. He has few friends but he has hobbies. He will be able to work full time once his dad is gone. I'm also sure he will inherit all of his parents' assets.
flpagrif, the reason I am fighting for his relationship is because i have done just that--looked back and know what traits I do and don't want in a man. And my BF is everything my ex was not! And that is a great thing, because my ex was a complete asshole. Married him too quickly (after 6 months) and for the wrong reasons. I do learn from my mistakes. I'm not just taking the first thing that comes along. I'm fighting because he's every thing I want. And I don't believe in desserting someone when the going gets tough. Marriages fail because people are selfish and don't want t make the effort to work out the problems. They'd rather just drop everything and leave and go find the next partner that things will evenually fall apart with because they still haven't learned to deal with problems. It's an instant gratification world, with a leave if things don't go your way attitude. i think it stinks. You have to look beyond the physical things like money and looks. See what is inside. Don't cop out when things get a little bit difficult. I hate this 'me, me, me' world! People don't care about people anymore, only themselves. Not me. I won't do that to anyone. It's cruel and shallow and selfish. I'm not a gold digger, and i don't need someone prestigious or well-known. Just someone who respects me and is kind and considerate. As he is.
An emotionally healthy adult would not tolerate this existence unless it's working for him. There is serious co-dependency here. If you do marry (whenever dad passes) will he treat you as a partner or as a mother? Does he have other friends and interests besides you? How will he support himself after dad passes? Will he be an equal partner financially and emotionally ?
This is his personality and he has "failed to launch" as the saying goes.
If he loves showing you off to his family and they seem to like you, why can you not spend more time with him than once a week/once a fortnight? Why can't you go and lend him a hand at home? Have you your own parent to look after as well, or something? Is there not room in the family home for you and your daughter to stay over at weekends, for example (assuming your daughter's happy with that, of course)?
Who is the person with AD/dementia: your parent or his father? If it's his father, and he has AD, and he's 95, then with the greatest respect to your BF's feelings it is not going to be ten years before he gets his freedom.
I don't attribute your BF's care for his parents, now just his father, to weakness or some other major character defect as others do; but that's probably because I happen to know an incredibly nice, well-adjusted man who spent his young and middle adult life caring for his sister and mother; they lived with him as his dependants, though he did keep up his career as well. He did it because he thought it was the right thing to do. He is now, at 80, twenty years into a well-earned life of Riley, having got his freedom at last, and all credit to him - but he'll never marry and never have children, which is a great shame; and his family has always assumed he was closeted and gay, which isn't a shame as such but is definitely not true. He'd have made somebody a wonderful husband if only she'd spotted him in time. Maybe your relationship is a parallel, I don't know.
As I say, I'm now thoroughly confused about what the situation is, exactly. But I'm glad you're feeling better about it, anyway! That's what matters. Best of luck.
Seems like you are good to go now. Just try to remember that while there are warning signs no one can predict the future. It really sounds like you have found someone that makes you happy a lot. Yes there are times that it gets to be too much but (in your own words) I won't look for anyone else if I break it off. So that being said, try not to stress it if you only see each other every so often. Hell y'all get out more than me and mine do so it could be a lot worse.
I'm not saying that is appropriate but after reading all your responses that about sums it up.
So pull up some chairs over dinner and try to 'casually' talk about it. Nothing concrete just let him know where you are in the relationship and don't expect an answer. When it gets to that too much point, go out with some friends or take your daughter out. Don't forget about you while wrapped up in this, but don't make a decision you might regret later, cause it sure doesn't sound like an immenent break down is around the corner :)
Try to just let him flow, and you do the same...
Be well
Bottom line: Do you truly want to be married to a man who has allowed himself to be a doormat for 51 years and carries all the emotional baggage that most certainly goes with such a situation? My mom had several sayings about men. One was "Whatever faults a man has, they are three times worse after marriage."
I'd say that if, in the balance, what you have has more positives than negatives .. work on the rest. I suspect your guy has a bit of growing up to do .. meh .. don't we all? And that his dad is more the issue than your guy is. I'd be talking to him about growing some steel ones, where it comes to dad .. not for YOUR sake, but for his. Support his efforts to find relief with dad (as his dementia increases, this may actually become easier). Don't make it an ultimatum, those never work.
And, don't think, for a minute, that you'll be his rescuer and change anything about his nature (you know: that big no-no we all tend to fall into, "I can fix this." Just. Don't. Do. IT.). But if you're happy about WHO he is in your life, see if you can resolve the issues that you DO have. Maybe you can join his efforts to care for dad.
Best wishes for a good outcome.
If you want more, and I can assure you there is more out there for you, then you need to take steps to find it. It is not easy to find love at our age, but you have to get out there. As mentioned by others there are gentlemen who are looking for day to day companionship. The BF you are describing does not want that. He told you that you do for him what he needs... the rest he gets from his Dad.
If you need more, you need to go get it. I am sure your BF will find a woman who will do what you are doing. You/we have one life to live and our years are getting shorter with the passing of time. Don't squander it, sitting around waiting for your BF to find a few hours a week to see you.
Go live your life. Don't feel guilty. Your BF is making choices and you need to make choices. As others have said here, don't count on him changing.
I was lucky. My parents wanted me to live. Until the end, when they became a bit frightened, they were proud of me when I went off and accomplished things and when I saw the world.
What you are describing of your BFs family is not my understanding of love. It may be OK for him and his father, but it sounds like it's not OK for you.
Go for it! Live you life! Find Your Love!
BF has property that he had intended on building a house on until his mother got ill with cancer. Still plans on possibly building once he no longer has his dad to care for. That, or sell the land and buy a house.
He has a nice-size 401K, thank you. Works part time because he can't work full time and take care of his dad. Dad refuses outside help to be hired to come in.
Oh, we text multiple times a day, every day. We talk rarely, as neither one of us like phone-talking unless it is something urgent or too long to text.
I guess I made it out to be worse that it actually was. This has made me realize that it's probably not as bad as i had perceived. Thanks for helping me realize that. : ) He really is a great guy. Just stuck in a situation.
I eloped when I was 19 to an 18 year old guy who's parents were very toxic and considered him to be a possession, not a son. We were "together" with a marriage license for about 5 years, when he started having a roving eye.
After the split, I was a single parent and a professional. I was in no hurry to find a husband. I wanted love, yes. But I wanted somebody who was equal to me in personal growth and ambition. Not somebody with controlling parents. A controlling parent means psychodrama and whoever marries into such a family will endure toxicity, psychodrama and bitterness. And secrets. Your BF is keeping you as a "secret"?
Find somebody who is worthy of your love. Yes. Worthy of your love and your contribution as a wife and companion. Marriage is meant to be for life, not a long term lease.
I am quasi-retired now. But when I worked full time, I worked in technology and in a male dominated field. I was on my own with a house mortgage at age 30. Why hasn't your BF bought his own home, even a condo? What is your BF's 401K? His peak earning years have passed him by......it doesn't sound like he values himself. Engineering? Technology in the 1980s, 1990s and 2000 to present can pay top dollar. BF could hire a nurse and have Medicare pay for in home care, while not damaging his tech career.
Break this off. Otherwise, the cycle of toxicity and secrets will lead to a divorce, I am sorry to say. Better guys are out there. As a woman, you are worthy of love and intimate companionship. You are not a piece waiting to be sold at the butcher's shop!
Caregiving is not easy. That is why he only works part time. I know he wishes he worked full time. His job is also a way for him to get away from his dad. The only one that his dad doesn't object to.
We have a Valentine's Day date, but I have to work 2nd shift. But he will be waiting for me when I get home. In the morning he will cook me breakfast and we will spend the whole day together, shopping, dinner, etc. Can't wait! We are like a couple of teenagers when we get together! My daughter will be with her father all weekend.
And I failed to say that I bought a fixer-upper 3 years ago and he has fixed a lot of things in it for me. He does go to special events with me and makes it a priority, although his dad usually wants to come, too. He comes to all family holiday gatherings, etc.