How do I make my husband's emotional distress easier for him?
My husband has been in a nursing home for 10 months. He now can no longer walk, talk legibly or feed himself. His room is equipped with a ceiling lift and he sits in a lift chair all day. I take over his evening feeding and bedtime care every day to make sure he has the most gentle care and the best chance for long-term survival. However, he now deliberately spits out his evening medicine, refuses to eat and is generally rejecting but enduring my and the care aid's care giving. It looks as if he is aware of his helpless condition and has decided he no longer wants to live. Aside from the gut wrenching distress of seeing my loved one in this despair, I pity him also so much for having to endure this indignity for the rest of his life. Should he be allowed to eat or receive care only if he wants it? How can I make him feel better, how can I help him smile again?
My father's last two years were very stressful. One morning I decided I was just going to put it in God's hands. I found a lot of comfort in letting go and letting Nature take its course. My mother did have a harder time letting go, because they had been married for over 60 years. I know she didn't know what she would do without him. It is usually harder to let go of a spouse than a parent. Still, I would say to let him choose the path he wants to take and help him in whatever way you can.
I don't know if he is refusing or if he just can't swallow or if food upsets his stomach. Try not to challenge him on this, just tell him it's OK.
I would go outside and cry because you need to do that. Really you do.
Your husband also has the right to refuse medications as long as he doesn't have dementia and can make that decision for himself.
There's very little dignity when someone is unable to walk, talk, or feed themselves. Give him back some of that dignity by allowing him to make these choices for himself regardless of how it may affect his health in the long run. Continue to put his food before him, continue to let him know that it's time for his meds but allow him to refuse these things if he wishes.
It must be terribly heartbreaking to see your husband in this condition but you're also in a unique position. Allow him to be in control of his life. That might be something you can do to make him feel better. He suffers indignities everyday by needing 100% care. In those few areas of his life where he has a choice give him that choice and respect it. It won't be easy. As women, as wives, and as mothers we want to caregive. It's in our nature so you'll have to work hard at letting some of this stuff go but if anything will put a smile on your dear husband's face it'll be being treated like the man he is and respecting his decisions.
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