me: 53, had 30-yr freelance career on the road in media industry, never married, no kids, financially diligent over the yrs; brother: 48, has kept steady gigs for yrs, married over 15 yrs, 2 pre-teens, lives paychk-to-paychk, recently disclosed a longtime gambling addiction, his wife had to tk control of their finances recently because he even tapped the kids' college fund.
mom: 82, recent cancer diagnosis, ok prognosis, but will need treatments for years to come (we have been taking her weekly for the past month, shes responding well), dementia, starting to hv memory issues, mobile but can't live alone safely, not social, no financial knowledge whatsoever. dad: deceased 3 yrs ago, he was 89, he handled all money and home upkeep thru their 53 yrs of marriage, ignored mom's hoarding as long as her stuff didn't comingle with his lean military lifestyle on a separate floor of the house.
NOW: parents convinced me to move bk into the house 'for a year' while readjusting to hometown, which i moved bk to make sure they were ok in their 80s and to change work style from road to more settled. that was 5 years ago and i'm still here! dad's health was failing, and all were in denial, so i jumped in to be his medical advocate and caregiver, he got a staph infection after a surgery, and passed away within 2 yrs of me being bk home. mom tried to handle bills etc after that, but just didn't 'get' how all that works, so even tho our $ was and is separate, i just started paying for stuff out of my life savings. i live with her in her 3-story rowhouse, a third of which is all her hoarded paperwork from teaching and old magazines, as my ready-to-go lean apartment life sits in waiting at a local storage facility. we just got around to convincing mom to do a simple will, her assets will be split 50-50 me and bro, and i am financial poa, bro is medical. here's the rub - when she first got bk from hospital, her meds made her almost comatose, so I was thrown into hands-on caregiving first time, around the clock, incontinence and all - wow. she's better now, but i still help her get dressed, cook all meals, keep up the house, etc can't leave her alone, and bro can only relieve me on saturdays, and that time goes to grocery shopping and a solid gym workout.
I am now on the second parent as a caregiver and am trying to keep burnout and resentment in check, but i live very comfortably here and have low expenses. however, i need to get things started so i manage her care more than provide it, especially thinking long term, seeing as her needs will only increase. i also need to get back to work, so as not to jeopardize my retirement and have a life outside of the house, even just part time, but any work i get will not be traditional office work 9-5, more like filming or covering events to write about. mom gets SS and teacher pension and has ira and inherited dad's savings of about 300k. i have saved over 200k, but very little of that is in retirement funds. i would actually be ok continuing to live with her for the rest of her life, as she does not want to do assisted living. i think that could work but maybe in a retirement community, definitely in a smaller house, with more separation of bedrooms, an office for me, etc, and outside help would have to be hired to come in daily and help her in the home 'dayshift', and some overnights if i would be away on assignment, then we adjust adding more services over the years, etc. this is just now unfolding, and i am trying to think ahead and be proactive. i am flexible and feel confident i will fully get my life back eventually, but i need BALANCE moving forward. any ideas on how to make sure mom is taken care of, without sacrificing my future, and realistically doing it with no help from my well-meaning (but non-factor) brother? thanks for any advice!
Definately spend parents money on them not yours.
She has too much money to be your dependant.
You could be paid for x hours of care weekly that would put away some money as a legal spend down if ever needed;And,depending on funds mgmt. would give a cushion for you to determine how spent. If needed for your mother later then she would be your dependant.
Being prepared as you are trying to do is the answer.
Yet if something happened and you weren't there as caregiver, is that ok you pursuing your career as non caregiver.
You stepped into the first role.
The second role you already know what your in for.
Are you ready to let someone else do it for you?
Obviously, your brother is not the one to be financial manager. So, suggest you do longterm planning.
Keep in mind especially if your parents were close often the surviving wife soon follows the departed husband.
For me it has been a matter of my own feelings I would have to live with giving care over to someone else. Everytime something happens so I give in.
Also, if you can take a more supervisary position. Then you can be the daughter. That is a stress reliver in itself. For me at least.
Presently mine is in nursing home lock down because figured how to unlatch door 3am. Tryiny to deal with pain walking.
And restless result of meds intended to relax and make sleepy then causing confusion and dehydration then finally passing out. Aggrivated by failure to thrive from maldigestion from immune suppression lack of B vit liver. Aggrivating encelopathy
So, as long as he doesnt know pass code on facility door lock hes safe ( hope he doesnt figure out pass code he watches and sees everything doesnt miss a lick LOL) Hes there untill we get the peptid gtube feedings caught back up (another facility took him over and tried to take him off the g tube force him eat filled him full psych meds (CHF)he aspirated he has dysphasia and dyprexia started aspirating
Better now eats but cant sustain on amount even without maldigestion malnutrition issue.LTC refused to pay for Vital rx continuation from hospital Dr looked at records put back on and old gi Ca dr consult for malfunction g-tube increased to high protein Vital.other Medicaid provider Amerigroup is getting over ride to pay for it. Nursing home didnt want to pay for it but HIS Drs over rode and that is why hes there failure to thrive. Nurse and sister facility lock down hes now at is at least trying to get next wks dr appts transp arranged. At other facility had to spend day Educating the facilitySupervisor that he could see his own doctors and facility Dr/RNP would supervise present 10 drs and assist with other 5 specialist referrals still not yet assigned to drs.
Still I have 3Dr ap.pts this week any facility did not arrange transportation. They paid for a cab today and driver that took us didnt return so senerio 5hrs trying to get him back to facility.
Me I returned home and passed out.
He has multiple potential life threatening problems.including now poss CHF. Looking over last hospitalizations 5 this last 6 wk. Continued cognative decline Realized again it was meds effecting HCV chirrosis messing with encelopathy.
So come down to it might be better easier if he was still here but I can get some sleep at night. He refuses meds and feedings. But, I know where he is in morning. I sat next to him 24/7 in hospital so they could medicate him and he wouldnt leave yet he did 3 times first time found 17 blocks away.
Next two didnt get far due to firealarm on doors.
Dementia and wandering can take its toll.
So, keep peace of mind for yourself in mind.
Had talk w his PCP she agreed way I feel till can get pain issue in control to stop his wandering and malnutrition with bonemarrow involvement is causing him pain to touch.
I still have to go to bathe etc he wont let others combative.He only wants me to care for him to be w me last hospital soc worker told me.
Hard to even place him or get aid to worlk w him because of behavior.
So this is way it is. One day at a time.
You sound like you can supervise your mothers care. And have the finances to arrange care for yor time. suggestion, former teacher clutter repurposed donated to schools. Maybe she would go for that. They use magazines don't tell her they cut pics or paste over pages to make bound books out.Just the schools are asking for donations of educational material. Schools dont have money to buy the materials.She still have teacher mode she should go for this.
Set you up office.Your sancuary, piece of sane mind.
Caregiving is an unsane world.
All there is; Is heart broken or mended for peace of mind.
Bless you.