The other day I sent an email to all my siblings about my mothers finances. The only part I have in it was doing the online banking. My two sisters have taken over everything else. Among my siblings there is only division. We no longer talk or communicate what so ever. Except through my mother. Her finances are getting very low. So I put out an email to let the siblings know we should have a plan. But it backfired on me. My mother had called me within an hour ...upset...and asked why I did that. I did not want to start an argument so I told her I was at dinner and would have to call her back. At the time I was shocked that they got to her that quickly. But I shouldn't of been that is usually the way they handled things. Was I wrong for putting out that email? I received a text message yesterday stating the password has been changed. So I was taken off the banking system. No I did not discuss with my mother if I could do this. I thought it would make her worry more about money. I did send out a follow up email apologizing if the email offended anyone. And I did say the last thing I wanted to do was to put more distance between me and my mother.
Second, especially in older generations, people generally don't want their financial dirty laundry spread around and maybe in her mind even gossiped about. In the past you've led her to believe she has the money she needs and this may look to her like you've not been honest - not to say that her perception is correct there, it's just how she could see it.
She's an adult and by her kids going behind her back and talking about her money/health/lifestyle, whatever, and attempting to "resolve" her issues without her full knowledge and support just infantilezers her.
Personally, unless she has advanced dementia, she should be the 1st person you discuss this with, not the last.
It's really hard on the elderly to go from being independent & in charge of their lives and decisions to all of the sudden their kids (even if they are adults) coming in and trying to take over & "fix" things.
I promise I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I do think you were really only trying to do the best you could & really want to help.
Just please for your mom's sake try to remember that she needs to have as much control as possible and she needs to know I advance of of others about her problems or concerns. Shielding her might just cause more stress for her because it can make her then worry what else is going on or are her kids "plotting" against her.
And apologize to her for not coming to her first, she needs to know that you didn't intend to hurt her or go behind her back.
Then and only if she's agreeable, see if you, her & your siblings can go over all of what needs to happen to make your mom's life better - I know it's way harder when they probably all have their own agendas, and may not be receptive. If everyone is local, face to face is best, if not Skype or conference call, let everyone have a chance to voice themselves, if you can. You may even need a mediator or therapist for this - just to give you a disinterested 3rd party with no real stake in the outcome.
Remembering at the end of the day, what your mom wants/needs is the most important part of this whole process.
A mediator is supposed to reduce anguish, not add to it. My mom did the same thing to me over her house, and I don't have any siblings. Her sisters told her I'd dump her on the street. And probably a lot of the paranoid delusions told her that too.
At this point you can either wash your hands of it, which sucks, cause you want your mom to have the best, or you cans your reasonable siblings can try to find a way to gain mom's trust and convince her you're looking out for what's best for her, and that's not going to be easy.