I am 61 years of age and still working a demanding yet fulfilling career. I have always been a great daughter. I have been invested in my mother's care all of my life and more recently since her open heart surgery during May 2009. We had hope that following her surgery that she would recover to the point where she could return to her home. That did not happen. She was in one facility after another starting in Pittsburgh and then I had her transferred to my home area in Maryland. She was discharged from a chronic care facility the end of October 2011 and I had her moved in with me and my roommate. I have in-home care to help us out. She has never been a "people" person unlike me and my now deceased father and still living brother, who by the way is of absolutely no help. My mother is given the best of care under my watchful eye. She has doctors in our area and I am very vigilant. She has a trach but is doing well according to her cardiologist. I am taking her to visit her home in Pennsylvania for four days next month. All she does is complain, complain, complain. My roommate bless her heart took her to two doctor's appointments this week so that I could get a full week of work in. My mother is spoiled and never smiles. Everything gets on her nerves. It is difficult living with her. I have always had my "space" as she lived in Pennsylvania and I lived in Maryland although I did visit her every month and many times more regularly as she aged. She is now 86. Her mind is very keen. I come home from a very hard day of work and the minute I step in her room I hear negative negative negative. I can tell she doesn't like it that my roommate took her to those two doctor's appointments but too bad. No one can imagine the great care I give her as well as my roommate. I took three months off from my career when she had her heart surgery and slept most of them in my car at the hospital parking garage in Pittsburgh so that I could be extremely involved in her recovery. People always comment what a great daughter. Well, I am now depressed and want two little vacations this year to the beach and NYC. I deserve a few days away. For her its all about her. I have taken her on countless nice vacations over the years. She adores my brother who lives in Pa. She never says that I deserve a vacation. When she was 61 I was taking her on trips and spoiling her. She really expects me to give up my life until she dies and that is perfectily ok with her. Is this truly love? I don't think so. When I see my Goddaughter, age 26, a few hours on a weekend I can tell my mother is not liking it. In fact, once I took my Goddaughter into my mother's nice room to say hello and she ignored her feigning a headache! I told myself I will never again subject my Goddaughter to that! My mother gets pissy with with inhome help and my roommate. She is unhappy but then she never was a joyful person. I am sick of it. I just needed to vent today. I will continue to do my best while having the most healthy life I can have for myself. I will not retire before I am ready. My career helps me to maintain my sanity. This is not how I envisioned my life to be. I never had children and thought that at my age, I could enjoy life. I have no real pleasure because I have two jobs, my career and my mother. All of my life I have protected and taken care of her and even listened as she constancly complained about my deceased father. She should be ashamed of herself. Yes, I know she is 86 and her years are now limited. But so are mine. Oh,by the way, she has said she will kill herself if I ever put her in a nursing facility. She does not have to worry, I would not do that. She will remain in our home. We even bent over backwards and set up a beautiful room for her. She got mad at me when I surprised her and brought back a few of her things to decorate her room when I last took her to Pa. Instead of smiling and thanking me, she felt I did this behind her back and she did not appreciate it! I hate all of this! I would appreciate some emotional support to my e-mail. Thanks in advance.
Shortmomma, don't feel bad. It really is the only workable solution Your mum is cared for, and you have a decent life again.You may find some encouragement for what you have done on that site too.
Personally I knew I could never have my mother live with me as she would have ruined my home, and my health. As it is, I still find any contact with her quite stressful.
Guilt can rear its ugly head over these decisions, but it is guilt originating from childhood and placed there by your narcissistic parent in order to control you. See it in its true perspective, and don't let others use FOG, (fear, obligation or guilt) to control you. Make rational adult decisions that take everyone's welfare into account - like you taking vacations, but making sure your mum is well looked after, or like placing her in an ALF or a NH.
I take what Carol says about 30% of caregivers dying before their charges, very seriously.I am 74, my mother is coming up 100 and healthy, though she fusses a lot, but everytime they run tests she comes out A1. She goes to the ER and they send her back to her ALF. She had a hip repair under full anaesthetic last summer, because she was so strong. I have developed a couple of health issues from the stress of moving her, and dealing with her. I retired from a job I loved because I could not deal with her and keep working, and have been fighting to get my health back. Look after you, first and foremost. The stress can creep up on you
Do let us know how you make out. We are rooting for you! You are not alone in being a good caregiver of a parent and receiving no appreciation.
Joan
Your mother is controlling your life way beyond what is necessary or good for you. For your physical, mental and emotional health it's time to look for a nursing home. Of course, she'll complain. But she complains anyway. Your roommate sounds like a big help but you have no time to yourself. You deserve vacations and time away, which your mother won't "allow."
Letting your mother control you isn't helping either of you. She would appreciate your visits more (maybe) if she were in a nursing home and you were there when you could be. If not, what's new? You say she's mentally sharp, but she seems to have gotten more self-centered and controlling over time. That could indicate a form of dementia.
Whatever the reason for her behavior, I think it's time you got outside help with her and had some life of your own. Did you realize that 30 percent of caregivers die before those they care for? Please don't become one of them. Take care of yourself,
Carol