My dad is on a feeding tube since July 2019. I am 55 went on pension to enjoy my pension years before I am to old to do it. My mom expect from me to be there 24 your and when I started to put my foot down because I got no social life or any friends left, then she will say things like yes go you will get me on day lying here in the house. I am on the stage where I think I got depression and cry for everything. I don't know how to handle them anymore. They refuse to go to an old age home. My dad is 81 and my mom 76. Please give me some advice
No, you don't need to give your parents your life. My feeling is you don't have to physically care for your parents but...you should help them as much as you can. Like said one way is contacting your County's Office of Aging Dept. and seeing what services they provide. If parents are low income, Medicaid homecare may help.
If there is money for AL both can go to live there. Then Mom would have the help she needs. If they can afford homecare, use it. You are not Moms slave. If this retirement is recent it will be easier to set boundries. If not, will be harder but can be done. When my Mom stopped driving we set up a day to shop. We live in a small town so we ran errands too. I took her to Church. She had church friends that took her to Church events and other things. So, Mom did not depend on me for her social life. If ur Mom is not ill, then maybe u can give her time to socialize and watch Dad.
Can you sit down with her and ask what is it she expects from you. Make a list as u go. You don't need to answer her then, u may want to think it thru. Take that list and see what ur willing to do. If Mom needs help with Dads care, then help her find options. If she fights u like, I don't want a stranger in my house, say that that is the option she has.
But i agree, while it's hard to recognize, our challenges help us grow
If you're in the US, please contact your Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and get a needs assessment ASAP. States have some programs under community medicaid to assist seniors wanting to remain in their home and the social workers (SWs) at AAA can help your find and qualify your parents for available services. They can even recommend LTC facilities within your parent's financial resources.
Do your parents have the resources to fund in home care hours? Often 4 hours is the minimum shift; limited in home care hours are often one of the services available through community Medicaid.
If you take the time to fill out your profile and provide some additional information about your parents' health status and challenges, we could probably provide some specific recommendations on things that might help.
Maybe offer a compromise to head off her demands, "Mom, I have other obligations during the week, but I can set aside Wednesday afternoon and Sunday evening to come by the house. I can help you with those things you need (set up pill box, change a lightbulb, take her to the grocery or errands, etc.), or if you don't need me to to anything, I'll cook us lunch/dinner and we can just visit"
You are already experiencing depression and it will only worsen if nothing changes. Read the questions and discussions on here and you will find a lot of other folks' experience -- caregiving can work, but boundries and a good plan are critical.