I have no time to myself and work full-time. I dread seeing her number on the caller ID. I love both of my parents, but I have no time to myself. She will call early in the morning if she knows I am off from work to see if I am coming over. Even if I say no, she will call back continually until I finally give in and go over. I have no time to rest or socialize or even clean my house.
Elder needs more care. Will not accept outside help. Adult child, often a senior themselves, works him/herself to death/exhaustion running to "save" parent. Child begs parent to move to AL, get aides, etc. Parent refuses.
Child either dies/becomes ill/refuses. Parent falls/has serious injury/illness. Is sent to Nursing Home.
This is NOT YOUR FAULT. You can't reason with dementia. You are waiting for an accident to happen; parent will be hospitalized and it will be determined that they can no longer live at home.
I do feel for you. Both of them have dementia...that's a lot of responsibility. I can see why you feel you have to answer the phone. You know that something could happen and your parents call 911. As the adult child, we are keenly aware of seniors with dementia living alone. It's scary, because there are risk associated with it. Regardless, of whether a person claims they are okay, can function, etc., they are progressing to where they will not be. Except for the early stages, it is risky. Some people are in complete denial that anything is wrong, but, their care has to proceed regardless. It's tough. There are some threads around here about how some people deal with it.
I pulled up into my LO's driveway TWICE with ambulance and firetrucks in front. I knew then, she could not be left unattended. Once she called 911 because she was anxious and couldn't get her tv to work right. The other time a neighbor called 911 because she went on her porch and appeared to act odd. During this time, she would call me repeatedly to come and visit. I went everyday, but, it wasn't enough.
I'd re-evaluate if home is where they can have their needs met. Eventually, they will need around the clock care, regardless of what they might say. It's a safety thing and their mind may not allow them to accept help. Still, that's part of the illness and being resistant to care is common.
Are you the Durable POA and Healthcare POA? If so, I'd discuss it with their doctor and explore the options. Whether they can have around the clock care or move to a Memory Care unit or if they are private pay or will need to apply for Medicaid. Has that been worked out? I'd get things sorted before there is a crisis. With two dementia patients, that would be overwhelming. Things to check on is them leaving stove on, letting in strangers, eating spoiled food, injuring self. Also, check their ability to use an Emergency Alert. I know some seniors who fell and didn't use it. They just couldn't remember how to use it.
I hope you can find some things that work for you all. Please post about how things go.
I'd first read a lot about the behaviors that come with dementia. That way, you can anticipate things that may develop as she progresses. My first question would be who is supervising your mom now during the day? I take it that she lives in her own home. Is your dad there as well? Does he see what's happening? Does he understand that he may need to stop it and if so, does he have the tools to help stop it?
At some point, the person with dementia needs supervising, because they are not able to process their time and activities. They also may become confused, scared, and anxious. That's why my LO called me so much. She would tell me that things looked strange, different and she felt that she was in a dream. So, I can see why they want loved ones near them. They need comfort and reassurance. Only, it may need to be continuance, all day with another person. Can she afford for that kind of service?
I might explore getting her help during the day who can redirect her attention to other things and not calling you so much. Also, what about Senior Day Centers? Some are set up for dementia patients. Also, some people let the call go to voice mail and then you call her back when you can.
I'd keep in mind that she likely has no memory of how many times she calls you. Each time, is like the first to her.
If she's overly anxious, I'd discuss medication with her doctor. That helped my LO and she wasn't so anxious, worried and scared, so she didn't need me around so much.
I'd keep in mind that this behavior often comes in stages and it may not last long. Eventually, the patient may lose interest in calling or lose the skills to use the phone and cannot call any longer. It varies.
I hope you get some more suggestions and find some ideas that might help.
The center suggested that i join a dementia care support group-so here I am. It is a comfort to know that there are others going through similar situations that i am going through.
BarbBrooklyn- this is my big worry - what if something happens to me- who will take care of them. I am exhausted-but not ready to give in just yet..But i am at the point where "somethings gotta give" and soon. Many of the suggestions i have been given so far have been extremely helpful and I welcome any insights as I am traveling this road alone- and done want to make errors.
lkdrymom- you are exactly right- did your father "throw tantrums" too? My dad will decide he wants something or wants something done and when he wants it done it will be immediately or if it is an item from the store he will threaten to take his hoverround across the busy street to the local grocery store. If it is something he wants done he will attempt to do it himself whether physically able or not. I am starting to try the delaying going over if they bug me tactic but i dont know how well it will work. Thank you for sharing about your dad it is very similar to what i am going through...
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