My Mom (78) had a severe stroke 2 months ago and does not want me to visit her in the place she is in. Any advice?

I think my brother was at the hospital when I called last night. Everyone is right. I should have not called so much. Now the nurse on duty just tells me she isn't available if I call. I know they are very busy; it's just that she did come on the phone Thanksgiving morning after the nurse told her she had a call and said a few words to me. She knew it was me. The doorman who has visited her several times always tells me she asks about me. He visited her yesterday. I never called so late, though. I forgot my brother visits her probably after work.

Is that really true, what was said about his having power of attorney? I think he told me he is her healthcare proxy. I am a little tired now. The doorman in the building might go to see her again tomorrow. According to him, she does ask about me. And he did tell me one time she said she would see me.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my posts. I think I really shouldn't have called so late last night, and also shouldn't have posted the telephone number of the unit where my mother is and her name. I have been calling a lot, trying to get in touch with her, and they have always told me before if she was in therapy, or in the dining or recreation area. I just want to talk to her.

The doorman said that all she can do is stretch her left foot a little bit. According to him there is no movement in her left arm. But she has learned to feed herself using her right hand, I think he said. I looked at her phone book and contacted a friend of hers, who is near my mother's age, I think, and she told me she went to see my mother last week and my mother didn't want to see her.

Hard to believe, she had just gone up to Kohl's to buy a new toaster, riding the bus with a shopping cart. It's still right where she left it. She was cutting an apple when she fell. The apple is still there too. The chair the ems worker used to move her to the stretcher in the hall is still right by the door. She got better in the ambulance. she was so scared.

I still remember her when I went to the stroke unit, how scared she looked. The message is still on the answering machine she left for me that morning. I still listen to it. The doctors found that it wasn't a stroke and I can go home. If only they had kept her another night. I don't even know the type of stroke she had. The TPA drug can only be used for one type. I think probably she had the more common type, ischemic, and it could have been used.

I go to an outpatient clinic, to answer another poster's comment. I see the doctor there once a month for 20 minutes. All she wants to do is give me antipsychotic medication. It's like going to a mcdonalds'. I told her that and her response was what do you want me to do.

Also, I call the hospital because I need to know that she is ok. I know she is in pain and receiving pain medication, and can't move half her body. I need to know that she is ok. I spoke to the social worker one time who came on the phone when I called, and she told me you don't seem to know how sick your mother is. She doesn't really have much time either. All the social worker seems to do is to take out another card and write down an appointment time.

I did not respond to my mother's emergency and that cost her. I handed her the phone and she couldn't speak and tried to talk into the bottom of the phone. I was afraid my brother was going to call the police on me. They could have taken her to the hospital and given her the tpa anti clot drug. I think she was moaning. She was having a stroke 15 feet away from the couch where I sleep in her studio apartment, or where I slept, because it is being sold.

I want to tell her I am sorry. I am deeply and truly sorry.

All my brother told me was to call my social worker about housing. Mental health housing. They have a case worker at the clinic. I don't want mental health housing.

Scott, I would be very surprised to learn that your entire family and neighbourhood have dumped you on your backside and left you to fend for yourself. I think it is much more likely that you do have people to turn to, but that those people are not telling you what you want to hear.

Your mother is very ill and needs to recover. She cannot help you, and you cannot help her. It is thanks to you that she DID receive help when she needed it, so well done to you for responding to the emergency and seeing that she was taken to hospital. But for now, you need to stop calling the hospital. Send a card every day if you like, to let your mother know that you're thinking about her and that you're alive and well, but just for now other than that leave her alone. You are disturbing busy staff members and it is pointless. They are forbidden to talk to you about your mother. And it would be highly irresponsible (as well as equally pointless) for anyone else to try to undermine the decisions that have been made in her best interests by calling the hospital on your behalf.

I am not going to tell you to pull yourself together and get on with your own life; because a middle aged man who has been dependent on his mother for 17 years is not just being lackadaisical: clearly you have major issues. What I am going to stress is that you need to accept whatever support is being offered to you. Do you have a key worker? A doctor or therapist? Other professional support of some kind?

Your brother's main concern is your mother, and not only is that natural but it is also his legal duty to put her first. That doesn't mean he doesn't care what happens to you; but it may be that he has given up and washed his hands of you. I doubt if he would have done that without doing what he could to make alternative arrangements for you to be assisted. What are they?

Scott it is not that someone might be willing to help you by making a call but the staff is not legally allowed to speak to anyone about her condition. You brother is an attorney and has POA so he is the one to make decisions about who may recieve information and choose those who may see or speak to your mother. I don't know what happened when you got angry with your mother during the last visit but it certainly angered your brother so let it be for the time being.
You know your brother is an attorney in NYC and you know his name so spend time going through the list of attorneys in NYC and you will find the phone number of the firm he works for. It may take you some time but if you know what his specialty is that may narrow it down a bit.
Scott at this time you are so upset that I think it is time for you to go to a psychiatric outpatient facility and get some help for yourself before you become unable to function. You can just call the ER at your closest hospital and they will tell you where you can go to get help.
Lots of very sympathetic people here would like to be able to help you but this site protects peoples privacy and does not allow people to give direct contact information without their permission. This allows people to be very open with their problems and allows greater freedom with giving advice. if you feel someone who has replied to you may be of special help you can post a private message for that person but they are still free not to get further involved. Most people reply from personal and life experience this is not a site with professional people providing advising treatment options.
There are moderators on the site who will delete email addresses and phone numbers from a post. this is all done to protect the integrity of the site.
My intention is to help not be in any way judgemental of your situation as was suggested earlier by another poster. So please accept my comments a being designed to help you move forward in this overwhelming situation. Blessings.

I called the ambulance both times we went and went with her to the ER and to the stroke unit. I was there visiting her for a few days and then they would not let me visit her there. I know I upset her when she was there, the last time I saw her, but that was only that time. The night she had the stroke I heard her screaming and she had collapsed by the side of the bed. She couldn't stand when we got home from the hospital after that first night and I should have called 911 right away.

My brother doesn't even call. I am not going to write him a letter and I don't even know his address. He came in and took all my mother's papers and mail. It was in there somewhere. I don't even know his home telephone number. Or his work number; both are blocked from the caller ID the few times he has called.

She actually walked out of the stroke unit on Saturday morning October 4th. I think she had had a pre-stroke or what they call a transient ischemic attack. All they did was keep her overnight, give her some aspirin and send her home. I was very tired. I called that night the ambulance after I heard her screams, horrible sounds she made, she must have been on the floor a half an hour; her arm, the stroke arm, was so hot and the other one was so cold. I wasn't sure when she had the onset of the symptoms and I was very angry with the doctor so no TPA was given. It could have changed everything, and I am very upset that it wasn't given and that the disabilities, could not have been avoided or lessened.

You seem familiar with Trump. But are unwilling to call. It is still early so maybe someone else might respond. Her entire left side is paralyzed. She can speak, and she wasn't slurring like she was when she first went into the hospital. She said I'm Ok. I know she's not; I don't know why she said that.

I just really need to talk to my mother, even if just for a little while over the phone. I can't even talk to the physical therapist there, to find out how her therapy is going. He told me she doesn't want him to discuss anything with anyone. The only person I speak to is the social worker, and all she says is she is making slow progress.

I am working today, and don't have access to a computer at work, since I work outside all the time, so I will have to continue this later. Maybe another poster might be willing to call; it seems like a lot to ask, but I don't know what else to do.

Scott, a stroke causes an injury to the brain usually. It often causes a problem called aphasia, which means that one can't speak. Your mother was in the hospital for a while and them was transferred to TRUMP, which is an excellent rehab facility in Queens. Most likely she is getting physical, occupational and speech therapies there to help her recover some of her abilities. But according to what you've told us, the damage to mom's brain was such that she can no longer live in a regular apartment and needs assistance with toileting, bathing and dressing. These are tasks that a rehab/nursing. home has professional staff to do. Your mother may/or may not recover her ability to go the bathroom on her own and thus not have to use diapers any longer, or maybe not. Lots of older folks have problems with incontinence; it is not such a big deal.

Scott, you need to be in touch with your mom by card and letter. I'm sure you'd love to visit her, but clearly, your brother thinks it would be too upsetting for your mom and for you too. Your mom needs to heal and you sound as though you are somewhat emotionally fragile and might become very distraught at seeing her in her current condition.

I don believe that any of us is going to be willing to call the facility on your behalf; that feels like a terrible overstepping of family and personal boundaries. Your mom is getting good care and is safe.

Maybe you should also write your brother a note, telling him that you're glad he is able to take care of mom's needs at this difficult time and that you have no desire to upset her or him. Ask when and under what conditions you can visit mom down the road.

Keep us up to date on your progress!

My cousin is a nurse, and when my mother first went into the hospital she said, she's hurt really bad. I think that's what she said, as I have a really bad hearing problem, and my hearing aids are not that good or are not adjusted properly or don't help me enough. I hadn't seen my mother's relatives in many many years. She became annoyed with all the calls I made to her and had my number blocked.

This is too long, not talking to her for 2 months like this, with her being so hurt, I mean really hurt, she is wearing a diaper. I would not upset her, I know I did when she first went into the hospital and I am sorry I did that; I got annoyed, my brother and his wife were there, all he did was walk away from me without saying a word. I went over to him and said you don't want to talk to me, he said correct, and I said you don't want to talk about why you don't want to talk to me, he said correct. That was all the communication we had. He has power of attorney and healthcare proxy status. He is a New York attorney and I can't take this.

I was hoping that possibly someone here might be willing to try to call her for me. I can't take not seeing her or speaking to her. What the above poster said is true. I can't even think about anything else now though. No one really seems to want to help me; I asked at the clinic where I go and she said she would not call.

She really surprised me yesterday by coming on the line when I called there, but I couldn't even say anything before she hung up. She is just so hurt, the stroke was so bad.

Scott - ((((((hugs))))) this is very hard for you and probably harder for her. It is no picnic for your brother either.

When my mother was admitted to a geriatric psychiatric hospital she did not want to see anyone either, or even to have them know where she was. She did call a couple of people, but not family. I respected her wishes and some months later she asked to see me and started to have some contact with family.

I agree with the others that you should keep your job, do it well, and look for other better opportunities. As well, you do need to look for other housing. I am sorry that you have not developed other relationships, but that is not to say that you cannot now.

Your first responsibility is to yourself, and your first need (as much as you want to see your mother) is to become self supporting. None of us will live forever, so you were going to face this at some point.

I agree that you should not call hourly or even daily, maybe not even weekly. Maybe your brother, maybe your mother, maybe the NH staff, but between them, you are not being allowed to speak to your mum. For now I think you are going to have to accept that.This is a huge loss of companionship and lifestyle for you and I suspect you need some help in adjusting to it. Change is not easy to cope with and having your relationship with your mother, your only friend, altered so drastically, so quickly, is a big loss. Perhaps the social worker at the hospital can help you or give you ideas. You also need to build some outside companionship. The job may help there. This you need to do regardless if what is happening between you and your mother.

The odd card or letter, and small gifts are a good idea, but don't overwhelm your mother. She is going through a huge life change for the worse and probably needs her space and energy to make the adjustment.

Good for you for getting a job so quickly, even a small one. That is great! Keep taking the steps you need to take, and try to get some peace from the fact that your mother is being well looked after Keep in touch.

Scott, I am very sorry for your situation.

You say that you and your brother do not talk to each other, and that "He thinks that I have severe mental problems, among other things." Is his thinking correct? Do you have mental problems? Are you being treated for them? Are you following your treatment plan?

I have a brother who has severe mental problems (Bi-polar disorder). My sisters and I try to stay in touch with him, try to encourage him to follow his treatment plan, reassure him when he has panic attacks, etc. etc. In other words, in my world having a relative with mental health issues is NOT a reason to abandon them. I am sorry that your brother has not been there for you, has not encouraged you to get and follow professional help, has not at least encouraged you if not helped you to find work. Maybe your brother has some mental issues of his own and is just not capable of doing the right thing by you. But it is sad.

I hope that you can at least count on your brother to do the right things for your mother.

Now you are thrown abruptly onto your own resources. I hope you have a case worker or a social worker or SOMEONE who can help you through this period. Stick with your job until you find something more stimulating that pays better. Start looking immediately for housing (as others have said.)

Are you collecting disability payments and/or are you on Medicaid?

Your mother is in a place where she is getting the care she needs. She may recover some more or not. Send her a brief letter or a card once or twice a week. Keep it upbeat. Your goal should simply be to let her know you still love her.

You don't need to take care of your mother at this time. Put all your energy into taking care of you!

Scott, try not to make her feel guilty by calling so often. Once a week is good.
Keep going to work, it will keep your mind busy.
Look into alternate housing. Get on a waiting list. Look FORWARD, not back.

I tried calling her just now. The nurse asked who it was and then there was a pause and then the phone was hung up. I thought after yesterday when she wished me a happy thanksgiving that I might have been able to talk to her.

My brother does not want me to have any contact with her. I think he might be part of the reason she won't see me. I could write her a letter or bring letters and cards or flowers, all are good ideas. I don't have a car so that makes it a little harder, but these are all good ideas.

I am not that young, either; I am 48 and my mother is 78. She was waiting to be changed. Yes she has to wear an adult diaper. So I called back. I will try again tomorrow. I was trying all day today from work with my cell phone. She was always eating, or having therapy, or playing bingo. I have written letters and not mailed them and I went and dropped off one. My brother told me she doesn't read them.

I am pretty upset about this. My mother was such a gentle person. Her voice wasn't slurring yesterday but she still sounded very sick. I should have just waited until morning to try calling again.

Scott this is a new reality for you and will take quite a while to adjust but at least you already have a job and now you are already working at JFK you may hear of other opportunities that pay better. Do you feel comfortable at this point of doing a more demanding job?
Try and keep life simple for the time being. do you know anyone who may have a spare room to rent? Maybe answer some adds for room mates. It seems that for whatever reason brother is going to or has to sell Mom's apt. Nothing you can do about that and anyway you probably could not afford the upkeep I doubt that as a single young man would have a chance of public housing given the shortage of subsidized housing. If you have any kind of disability that will improve your chances. You will probably have at least a couple of months to find somewhere to live. Ask around at work someone may know of place you can rent.
As far as Mom's future care is concerned it sounds as though she will continue to require 24 hour professional care and it does not sound as though there is money available to do this at home. If you read other postings on this site you will see the challenges involved. I am sure she will make some progress in rehab. Her speach will improve a lot but realistically there will be only minor improvements in her general physical condition. A few sons have provided this care but more usually it is the female children who take on the job and a large proportion die before their parent from stress.
Can you contact the nursing supervisor at Mom's facility to see if there is any way visits can be arranged. You are clearly very attached and worried about Mom. Try and get an idea of why she does not want you to visit and if brother is able to see her. As advised above send letters and cards, the ocassional flowers (you can buy and deliver these yourself) or a potted plant. A soft lap robe or maybe a shawl would also be comforting. Choose designs that she would have used at home. keep any correspondance light don't try and ask questions about her refusal to see you. Tell her things you are doing and funny things at work, what you cooked for dinner, just everyday junk
People here do care about you and only wish you the best so take care of yourself.

Scott, your mother will breathe a sigh of relief if you hang on tight to this job and take good care of yourself. And about the job… I worked in recruitment for many years, and one of the things that most got to me was the importance of people doing whatever they do as well as they can. It doesn't matter that you're not boss of Enterprise. It does matter that the cars get back and forth in one piece, unmarked, and with the right fuel in them. What, you think anyone could do it? Well no they couldn't. Not because they can't drive, but because they think it's beneath them to pay attention - which makes them about as much use as a chocolate fireguard no matter how clever they think they are. So don't belittle your job: what you're doing is worthwhile, and it does pay you for your efforts. And it's a start!

It is hard on you that you can't visit your mother for now - it isn't that anyone doesn't see that. But you need to look ahead. God willing, your mother will slowly get better and you will be able to spend time with her again. But there is no rushing these things. For now concentrate on taking care of yourself, and with any luck life will open up a bit and you will feel less alone.

Scott, keep your job! A record of employment will lead to other opportunities. Send your mom a get well card, write her a note. She needs to be as stress free as possible right now to work on her rehab. Take care of your future and let your brother manage mom's care. Keep us posted!

That was a lot of responses. I have to go to work now, and will reply when I get back. I do have a very low paying job, i only got it a couple of weeks before my mother's stroke. I was going to quit. I just move cars at enterprise car rental at jfk airport. that's it. i'm not even working for enterprise. it's a company that contracts out to enterprise. i drive the cars from the return area to the gas pump and cleaning station. that's it, all day long.

I tried to go to see my mother last night, but the doorman at the nursing home wouldn't let me go up. Getting her on the telephone, even for a few seconds, and that's all it was, made me want to go try and see her.

Thank you all for responding.

Scott, take care of yourself first, get your housing situation taken care of as soon as you can and then you will feel a lot better.
Once you are on your feet and have some confidence and independence, doors will open for you. Just do it.

We should be supportive now in this difficult situation and not judgmental...that is never our place.

Scott, are you on disability and do you have medical insurance? Maybe Medicaid?

I can understand why brother may need to sell Mom's apartment, he has to find the money for her care in the future.
There seems to be more to this story than you are sharing. it is very hard to find a job in this economy, but 17 years without working does not saound very fair a burden to place on your mother. If must have been very stressful for her to support you on such a small amount of money. This kind of stress does place a great strain on anyone's health. Not really surprising that brother has a poor opinion of you and feels you need to pick up and take care of yourself. if you do have some illness like depression please go and seek help and if nesessary take any medications prescribed

Scott, I'm sorry to hear about your mother's strokes. Just a few thoughts:

Two months might seem like an age, but actually it isn't very long. As Pam S suggested, send cards and call to let your mother know you miss her and you're thinking of her.

I expect Pam is also right about your mother's feeling humiliated by her condition and not wanting you to see it. But on reading further details, there is also a more important point. Your mother needs rest and recuperation. She does not need stress of any description. So it's important that you do exactly what she says she wants, and leave her to recover in peace.

If her stroke was severe, then no doubt the SW is correct and your mother will not be able to live independently again. But she may continue to improve in small ways, and adjust to her physical disabilities. Another common problem after stroke is really extreme fatigue. Your mother is too tired to concentrate on anything except herself for the time being. Just let her get better and keep your own troubles and worries to yourself.

You must be feeling very lonely, having lived so closely with just one person for so long. How is your job search going? Whom do you have around you in the way of friends and relatives? The life you describe sounds rather reclusive, if you don't mind my putting it like that. Do you have support from counsellors or other professionals, perhaps?

It's not that she is embarrassed, she is really sick. The stroke was a really bad one, very severe. She has been wearing an adult diaper for the time she has been in the hospital and I don't think the therapy has improved anything. Her arm is completely without movement, and she can only move her leg a tiny bit.

All I know for certain from the social worker at the nursing home is she said she doesn't think my mother will be able to regain her independence.

My mother was my only family. And my only friend. We have just been so very close the past few years. I think the last time I spoke to the social worker I told her that my aunt, her sister, had said she had spoken with my brother about her situation, and she said something about her not being able to be left alone, and the social worker said she agreed.

Yes. I have been living with her here in this studio apartment for 17 years. It was very hard living here in such a small space, and for much of that time I did not work. It was hard getting through the month with the only income being her social security check. I had not realized how tired she had been. She had said she was tired even early in the day. But we did things, we'd go out to the library and maybe go shopping a little bit. I had been looking for work for a long time, and had just about given up in the past few months.

Had you been living with your mom before the stroke?

I can't even talk about my brother. I haven't spoken with him for 12 years before this happened. He thinks that I have severe mental problems, among other things. He told me in the stroke center at the hospital he doesn't even want to talk to me. Then he called me up and told me he is selling mom's apartment and that she doesn't want any contact with me, and that I need to go and get housing from a social services agency.

Many ladies of your mom's age are embarrassed by their infirmities after a stroke. Send cards, and keep in touch her. Why can't you discuss this with your brother?

Send her a card, send her flowers, call once a week. She will come around to you, she is just embarrassed and needs to get over that.

she is in rehab. 2 months now. i can't talk to my brother. she can barely talk. she can't even hang up the phone. i heard her say to the nurse hang up the phone. the stroke was on OCt 4th. She will not regain independence that's all that could be said. I don't think she'll be able to walk. i didn't upset her or ask anything. didn't say anything. she just said scott, she knew it was me happy thanksgiving and i can't see you now and hung up. very slow progress, that's all the social worker said. Very slow progress.

Scott R.

Well at least you got to talk to her and hear her wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. I think for now that's all you can do...and stay in close touch with your brother who seems to be up on her condition. I'm sorry you're going through this, but if you can continue to call once in a while, maybe it's a start.

Just don't upset her or ask about seeing her, since that evidently caused her to hang up on you during this call. Keep it light when you talk to her - tell her you love her and hope she's doing well.

People can recover from pretty serious strokes. My dad had a stroke and was in rehab and regained about 85% of his ability. He could walk, etc. Did your mom go through any rehab?

I just called her. She is very very sick. I am crying now. She said happy thanksgiving and i am ok. she is no ok. she had a very bad stroke. i don't know what to do. she is very very sick. she said i can't see you now and then hung up. she is very sick

Is your brother able to see her, or doesn't she want anyone seeing her? I know that must be very upsetting to you. Is there a long history to this story, or is this (her not wanting to see you) a new development? Please tell us more of the story. But I think JessieBelle's suggestions are good, given what you've told us so far.

Scott, I am so sorry. If your mother has requested no visitors, her request needs to be honored. You can send her flowers or a gift with a personal letter to let her know how you miss her. Maybe your brother or an attendant can read her the letter. Let her know you are there for her if she is able to open the door again.