Mom refuses to shower when I suggest it. She thinks washing up is good enough when it's not. She is prone to UTIs and we have spoke with all of her doctors about it. They said showering every 3 days is sufficient. I can't get her in the shower twice a week but maybe once a week. Today she refused to shower. We were planning on visiting my husbands family and she agreed to go with us. I refuse to take her unless she showers. She continue to get dressed and put jewelry on, ignoring me. She says that washing up is good enough. I told her she might as well not even put any jewelry on or get dressed because I'm not taking her. And she said I'll get a cab there. She doesn't even know where she lives and she could not even make it out to the curb to get in a cab. She's on oxygen 100% of the time. She has advanced COPD, heart issues and a mass in her lung that is suspicious for malignancy (she doesn't know this). Unfortunately she is high risk and cannot endure any invasive testing and surgeries. We have already spoken to a palliative care doctor regarding her situation. She can just about walk and when she does can only go four to five feet at anyone before having to sit and rest. We cannot see my in-laws because she is being stubborn. I am at my wits end end. She doesn't even care about how much my husband and I do to help care for her to enable her to stay in her own home. I am living with her and have for the past four years. My husband lives four blocks away and comes four days out of the week to sit with her while I work. We have one lady who comes in on Mondays and my sister comes another day. I just cannot believe how hurtful she is by actually telling me she isn't showering to spite me. She got me so upset crying that I actually told her I hated her. I really don't hate her I love her very much but she is a selfish person. She has been selfish all her life and I have overlooked it. So now my husband and I both cannot go and I think it's so unfair. I work full time and have no social life. If I want to go out, I have to find a sitter. That is hard because I have only two people and they are here taking care of her during the week. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am getting burned out.
There is equally this: "She doesn't even care about how much my husband and I do to help care for her to enable her to stay in her own home."
So, first of all, I am so so sorry for how exhausted and heartbroken you must feel. Getting burned out? Goodness, you must be a cinder. I have tears of sympathy starting, too, at your brilliantly honest - and thank you, because it needs saying and you're brave to do it - description of how your feelings boiled over until you told her you hated her. Of course you don't, but it's so much to deal with. Truly, I not only understand how you feel: I lost count of the number of times I shook with frustration over my mother's refusal to be even minimally co-operative about her own safety and lectured her endlessly about it. Completely pointless. I wish I hadn't. Too late.
What I'd say is, avoid the regrets I now have about the time and tears I wasted on arguments. Longer term, you could offer your mother assistance with 'washing up', or perhaps aim at getting in an extra caregiver visit specifically for help with a shower; but just taking as an example the thwarted visit to your in-laws - what would have happened if you'd all gone, shower or no shower?
It isn't that your position is in any way unreasonable. You're going on a visit, it's normal to do your hosts the courtesy of being clean and tidy. True, correct. But your mother hasn't the energy for normal. There *could* be other reasons for the reluctance to shower, and it's worth checking that there isn't a problem she hasn't thought to mention; but with her health history I'd guess that she is too tired to bother. Literally, she just doesn't care about it - she can't be doing with it. It's the sheer effort, and she probably doesn't even want to discuss it any further, I expect? - that's why she came up with that snapping retort about doing it to spite you (what nonsense, of course she isn't).
Have you had a respite break recently? (Probably a stupid question, I guess). Something to consider, because if you can possibly find somewhere that will care for her well for a full week it will do you a power of good.
But back to now. It's a battle-picking question. Choose them very carefully, and stingily. And don't, please don't, waste breath on arguments. The second your mother starts to dig her heels in about something, drop it - change the subject, leave the room, give her a quick hug and say "ok, we'll come back to that one." There really aren't many things that deserve a place on your priorities list at this point. Preventing uti's seems important, is important, but her shower count isn't going to solve that issue on its own - which means it's not worth the battle. And supposing you'd gone on that visit, after all? Your in-laws might have raised an eyebrow (or God forbid reached for some clothes pegs); but then again I expect they're open-minded people, aren't they? Perfectly able to understand that your mother is in very poor health, and that personal hygiene isn't so easy to manage.
I didn't mean to rabbit on at such length. The way you're feeling at the moment, it must be overwhelming. And there aren't *simple* answers - there's a great mass of philosophical and practical and emotional issues all tangled up together, and you're expected to deal with this at the very stage in life when you're overworked, under appreciated and plain battered. You're right, it's not fair.
But, battles. Cut them right back to basics, pare them to the bone. If it's not a matter of life or limb, and it's causing you or your mother or both of you grief, then let it go.