Mom has vascular dementia, lives alone next door to my sister. Short term memory is limited, walks with walker, and doesn't do much of anything without someone pushing her to. She's managing as best as possible, but sis works and I live an hour away. We want to keep her in home as long as possible and not in a facility. Home health started last week (Nurse, Aide for bathing, and PT to help with simple exercises). Often, I'm present when one of these HH people are there - when they ask her questions, she lies or gives them wrong information. (Ex: She tells nurse she wears her Depends at night, when I know she didn't because they aren't on her or in trash.) Everything I've read says not to contradict/argue/correct.......but she's giving wrong information to these people who need to know truth in order to provide services she needs. She's never out of the room so I can give the info in private, so I usually give the correct info in front of her in a factual, non-confrontational way......but I can see by the frown on her face she doesn't like it. She will tell the doctor she's "fine, just fine" at every visit, but when I bring up a pressure sore or edema - she glares at me. She had been telling the Home Health people not to come when they called to let her know they were coming - because she's lazy and just doesn't want to make the effort for them. I've told them in front of her that I have Medical and Durable POA, and that she does not make that call anymore - and to come no matter what she says. Then I feel terrible for being the "bad guy" - but everything my sis and I do for her is to keep her as healthy and safe as possible and out of Nursing Facility - I tell her that often. Opinions? Advice?
For me, originally I was conscience of trying not to ruffle feathers.
So I gave wide-eyed looks or tilted head when the fibs were told. The professional would sometimes notice & nod.
Or walking the home visitor out if I could to give some brief corrections (out of earshot). Or writting letters to pre-advice & add to the medical file later.
Then I became more bold & said things more openly (but non-confronting). Eg: I see it a little differently... I've noticed... Let's mention the...
Any professional who's got a bit of experience has seen this stuff 😁. They are asking, but also watching/observing & collecting info from family members too.
A clever OT once asked about footwear (as a few falls were barefoot). Did the shoes for well? "Yes". Asked to see the shoes "I am wearing them". Can you take them off? "Yes" Can you take one off now to show me how the Velcro works? "It's hard" Why? "I can't really reach my feet". I see. (Bingo - mobility assessment needed....)
One time I lost patience a bit & said to the professional, if you want collaboration, please call me or other family members. "Ah-ha, right. Thank you! Yes, we will do that."
I remember once sitting down with her for her to make up a list of what she needed to talk to the doctor about. When I told her "and your memory is getting worse" she practically bit my head off! So when I cited specific examples, she just blew that off as "no big deal". But it was a big deal to me, since I had been vaguely accused of elder abuse by an ER doctor when she let herself become so severely dehydrated that she had a bad fall. Up until then, I had felt much like you - I didn't want to be the "bad guy"; it was so much easier and much less confrontational to just let her decide how sick she had to be before we called the doctor. However, once I had that "conversation" with the ER doctor, I decided that if I had to be the bad guy, I would be; so long as she was living under my roof, and I was BEING HELD responsible for her well-being, then she was just going to have to deal with her daughter treating her like a child when her actions warranted such! If that was unacceptable to her, then she was free to seek living accommodations elsewhere. It was harsh, but I came to realize that I not only had to do what I could to keep her as healthy as I could, but I also had to protect myself and my family from any allegations of abuse! It sucks, that that had to be a consideration in my caregiving plan, but that's the reality of the world we live in; better to face the reality and make a doable plan, than to bury your head in the sand, hoping for the best, and when the time comes that that doesn't happen, you're left holding the bag!
One of the biggest reliefs to me once she was on hospice was that her desire not to seek more medical intervention wasn't frowned upon; if she decided not to tell her hospice nurses what was bothering her on any given day, the only one who suffered was her...once she realized THAT she started to tell them a lot more about how she was feeling!
So if you are going to keep with your plan to let mom stay at home for as long as she can and keep her as safe and healthy as you can, you are going to have to be proactive with the medical stuff. More proactive than I'm sure your mom would want. And sometimes that's going to make you the "bad" guy. So be the "bad" guy and let mom get mad; as I said, if that's unacceptable to her, her alternative is placement in a facility.
Good luck!
She never tells the truth and just repeats the same issues each visit.
Mom is angry all the time and does not accept her diagnosis. She thinks she can do everything. I am accused of being bossy and controlling.
This is a great help and if you have no portal ask if there is a better way to communicate before the appointments.
My mom also went through the angry/denial phase, but as she declines, and I try explaining that everything we do, decisions we make, help we get - is all for her so she can stay in her home as long as she can. But I'm still the "bossy one" and for her sake, I'll accept that designation. Thank you for your input.
Talk to them privately on the phone or in an email and explain that she lies and does not comply with any of the care plan. They will understand. If you're seeing things like pressure sores or any other problems that you see and they don't, make them aware of it by phone or email. When the nurse or PT is getting ready to leave, walk them to their car and talk.
As for you being the "bad guy" you will just have to ignore that. If she's refusing to let the help in the house then she can't be staying by herself anymore.
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