Mom asked me to move in to provide care 2 yrs. ago, new state. She’s 87, barely able to walk, hearing impaired, but pretty sharp. I love my mom, she’s quite a lovely person, tho she’s very materialistic and slightly narcissistic. I’m the opposite and tend to deny my needs for someone else’s benefit because I believe(d) in it. I’m the one kid who isn’t married, so I felt it was my duty to care for her.
In these two years, I have had little help from siblings (emotional support would help). I don’t know anyone here, so have no local support. I am now on Medicare but have no other medical supplements & worry about what will become of me after mom passes (not once has she mentioned my future, and that hurts me). It seems it’s all about her. That’s not the mom I knew.
I am feeling used, taken advantage of, and like I’m a servant, not a daughter. My usual optimism and loving kindness are fading, and I don’t like that. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m afraid of my future and can see nothing to look forward to unless I take some action. I asked mom last year to pay me something. She was upset, but finally said she’d give me $500/mo. I was shocked at how little she valued my services 24/7.
I’ve read posts stating that $15-$20/hr. is fair compared to agency rates. I also read one post stating a flat rate of $75/night is charged for the entire night.
What I’m thinking is that I should get the figures & facts ready for mom, then make a case. If she won’t hear it, I may have to find a job elsewhere. She can afford it, she just doesn’t wish to part with her money.
And, for once, I need to know I tried, so I don’t regret it.
I have a background in physical medicine & rehab, have cared for others most of my adult life and have considerable knowledge to help my mother, such as, interpreting medical reports/drugs, problem-solving.
I’m handy around the house, am a good cook, making her terrific meals she enjoys and raves about, I care for the house, laundry, etc. I don’t think a random agency aide could come close to the care I provide my mom.
I’m burning out with resentments and with the unconcern for ME, too! I keep trying to manage it, but I can’t any longer. Before I make a rash decision, I would be most grateful to hear your thoughts, especially, on what rate Upper Michigan caregivers are paid, and a little cheerleading on taking charge!
I am a newby to this site, but have benefitted so very much from all of your posts. Thank you.
So, I might ask/tell mom that we should get started on the insurance thing and get some aides in here so I can get a break. She won’t like it. See what all of you lovely helpers are doing for me? You’re helping to unlock this paralysis that’s gotten hold of me! I am grateful for your ideas and help. XXOO
It seems to be a common thread with narsasist, sorry I don't believe in slightly narsisitic , all or nothing in my personal experience.
Are you willing to stay at this point? If yes, it is time for a caregiver contract that covers everything, from what you will be doing, how you will be compensated, days and holidays off, how sick days will be handled. I would not let her give you cash, use a payroll agency so you are getting unemployment insurance and workers compensation insurance, as well as her matching your SS and Medicare. You will be an employee at this point, which is in everybody's best interest. No one is going to give you part of their inheritance as an act of goodwill for taking on this responsibility.
Caregiving is a really hard job and you need to be compensated accordingly, especially since she has the money. She would be paying someone and guaranteed that agency or individuals would not care as much as you do.
My dad pays his stepdaughter but I am expected to do more for free. Ouch! Really. Who asks a loved one to give up their financial security and do this for free. I think if you consider me a loved one you would want to do right by me. You wouldn't expect a stranger to do it for free or give a huge discount. Perception huh?
You can do this! You can get the pay you deserve.
If she doesn't want to do it, I'll hire you as a live-in housekeeper and cook, no personal care required. No personal history to guilt you with.
Maybe looking for a job and a place to live will open her eyes. You can't be used unless you allow it. It is okay to say enough is enough, you matter as much as she does. I know it is hard, but this has to be approached as business and not a personal issue. You are valuable and you are providing a valuable service.
🤗🎉🎉👍🎉🎉🤗 You can do it!
“Dear Mom,
I think you are delightful. I admire you very much.
You are an astute business woman.
I, however, have not managed my life as well as you have. I have to make some changes.
I have a very few good years left to prepare for my old age. I realize that I have great value as a live-in caretaker or geriatric manager. I intend to go back to school to get whatever certification I need to establish my credentials. I might just get a CNA certification and dive in to see which part of caregiving suits me best or work on my PT associates degree.
I know that I’m bondable, a good cook, medically articulate and unencumbered. All of those atributes will help me find my way.
I’ve learned there is a great need for women my age and at my skill level. I know you will be relieved that I have found a way to support myself. At least I have a plan.
I was willing to give my dear siblings a reprieve from upsetting their own retirements but see now that I don’t have that luxury since I am alone and must make my own way.
I know you may not have realized how dire my situation is. I’ve been unsuccessful in articulating this to you in the past. So I’m hoping this letter will allow you to understand my position and aid me in my resolve to shore up my finances. You have been a wonderful mom but unfortunately I am not able to retire and keep you company indefinitely.
I felt it was only fair that I let you know so that you can plan for your own future. These past two years have hopefully given you a reprieve from having to be concerned with healthcare assistance.
Thankfully you are prepared financially. I know you will support my efforts and I really appreciate that. Of course until I have to move, I’ll be happy to help you where and when I can. My focus will just have to shift to my own future.
I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding a replacement.
Love you Mom
StartaBart“
all of this input is helpful . Thank you! 00XX
You deserve this. If for some reason she doesn't agree, you sound like just the sort of employee anyone would be lucky to have.
All the best to you.
I would tell Mom...”I have to get a job. My own future relies on working for pay and putting into social security and Medicare. I cannot sacrifice my entire future for you”
then do it.
and..if she does come to her senses and see that your deserve the same consideration for your work that any employee deserves...then please do it right.
get a contract written and signed. Hire an agency to do the payroll....they will charge very little for just one employee...but it protects you!!! Pays social security/Medicare (contributes to your own retirement) and gives you workers comp if you are injured, and unemployment should the situation end. Please make sure you are taking care of you...just as any employer would.
Another option might be to see if she qualifies for the AFC Program. You again would continue to be her caregiver and would receive a monthly amount based on her level of care needed.
If you were to approach your mother as an outsider and say to her "thank you for taking part in this survey, Mrs X, which is about thinking persons' attitudes to money and the cost of living. What would you say is the minimum monthly income that a single adult can survive on in your state?" I'm betting she would not tick $500. Let alone $0.
But tangle this up with home and love and family and parents and care of the aged... and suddenly it's as though numbers fly out of the window, and it's suddenly all about not wanting to feel grasping, on the one hand, and not wanting to think that your child only sees you as a piggy bank on the other.
But love won't pay your bills, or save for your future. If I were you, I should go job-hunting. If later on you want to revisit that decision, then your mother can compensate you for loss of earnings and you'll have the payslips to show her. Moreover, having a job will keep you connected and may save your sanity.
You are NOT being mercenary. It is a simple truth that you cannot live on fresh air, and that is the key point that your mother needs to grasp.
I remember my dad saying that he thought if he ever made $30,000 a yr we would be very well off. That was when he graduated law school.
Relationship with her is important.
You need to consider your own needs. It sounds like you are used to being used and actually have come to accept it as your place in the family. It’s fine to be peaceable but not to be a doormat. Took me 50 yrs and therapy to understand I was the scapegoat in a family led by a narcissist mother. Please, first get help to learn your self worth.
Then, consider, you have a life ahead after she’s gone. It’s unfair for her to expect you to give your all , including your health. If she can’t care for her self she can hire help or move to an assisted living facility.
Is mom supplying your food & common living supplies, if so those expenses paid by mom should be deduced from your salary.
One day at a time. One step at a time. When you feel overwhelmed or discouraged, step outside, look at nature, take deep breaths and remember, you're just going to do "the next thing". And remind yourself that you're doing a wonderful thing in being willing to be involved in your mother's care. Regardless of how much or little you do, you still care enough to be involved and to seek the input on others. ;-)
Also, am learning we need to talk with mom’s lawyer. Bless you for the priceless, simple reminders at the end of your letters. So I important. Thanks so much.
Your marital or relationship status in no way binds you to any job. Any married person could wake up tomorrow single. Likewise, if you choose to be in a relationship, you could certainly choose to do so while providing care.
Your financial status does not bind you to this job either. (In fact, this absolutely provides you an “out.”).
What is the going rate? To replace yourself, per needed hour, the range would be babysitter (or nanny/aupere) rates through RN (service agency) consultant rates. Live-ins demand more or take less pay depending on the location convenience, comfort and other perceived benefits/detriments. This dollar value is difficult to estimate because there are so many factors. Desperate workers will accept less, skilled workers can demand more.
I understand why your mother doesn’t want to liquidate her assets (the knowledge of their existence gives her comfort and security), but even if you were to continue providing your services for free, you would need breaks, you would likely have to hire help, and you do not have the means to “donate” what it would cost to have those hours covered. So it is not rational for her to consider her funds protected for all time.
Don’t rely on a promise of a future bequest. If your mom were to make some deal with you such as, “I’ll leave you the entire (or a certain portion of my estate) in exchange for caregiving - this is an empty promise for many reasons (1) she could change her will at any time, (2) she could outlive her resources, (3) your siblings could already attack the will claiming fraud, undue influence, capacity (even though she has it) based on her current age alone, and completely deplete anything left. (And they would).
Don’t expect your Mom or your siblings to change. You will not get more respect, admiration, assistance, praise, or financial support than they are giving. As free caregiver for my parents, most of my siblings grew resentful and jealous while I was caregiving. (So do not take this job in hope of expectations that cannot likely be fulfilled).
You mention emotional toll. Caregiving is wonderful, but can be very bittersweet and depressing when things are hard. Your medical professional background brings a huge benefit, but when caring for a family member, it is harder to stay on an even emotional keel when your loved one faces inevitable decline brought on by aging. You are probably already hurting more than you write.
It sounds like you are a kind, generous, skilled person. You have lots of talents. Like the rest of us, you also have some insecurities.
You feel backed into a corner. Realize that the only person truly blocking you in that corner is yourself.
Make your choices based on what makes you happy, what fulfills your soul, and makes you feel alive. Give yourself permission to follow your own path.
I agree that she should pay you. Since your mom is mentally sharp and has money, she should be informed she should pay for her own care by a private caregiver. It would be more than what you are asking her to pay you. I hope she will see how much free services you have given her. Good luck.
He quipped the other day something snarky and slightly mean.
I jokingly told him that I'd been offered my old job back or I could go to Helping Hands which is a part time position that pays well doing in home care for seniors. I am a senior myself, but am able bodied.
Like it or not, you will still be here when your mother isn't so you need to start thinking about your future.
I've had to do the same things for our household.
Considering that you do have a place to live utilities maintenance taxes Etc or paid for I would look at that as part of your income from caregiving. Add that to the $550 a month that she's giving you that does come to a better income for what you're giving than what perhaps you realized. If you are still living where you where you would be paying for all of your household expenses and now you're not so it seems.
I empathize with your frustration, I am concerned that you have not been able to establish friendships and social contacts in your new area that is very important to your mental and emotional well-being. I would urge you to see how you can begin to make that possible. And what you have done in volunteering to be the child to come in and take care of your mother is because you love her not just because you were single . It is a true privilege to care for your parent friend or spouse in the last years of their lives. I pray that God will help you to feel that and seek out some changes that are within your power.
May he bless you richly!
What is going to be the position of siblings in estate settlement?
[These are questions, & ideas, not to be considered legal or tax advice or directive]
You may want to find out who has financial and health care Powers of Attorney. What is the exact asset and income status of Mom? Is there a Will/Living trust/ who are the beneficiaries, and splits; is the estate distribtion equal shares? (are you going to work your life away providing 24/hr caregiving, and not get recognition in the end? Is there any codicil to that will stating who might be entitled to certian material items?
Many of the questions I raise may cause sibling issues, depending on the sibling dynamic, on the other hand after all the service you have provided, do you want to find out you are going to be sent packing a month after Mom is buried, or confined?
Is Mom lucid enough to sign for herself? I'm not providing legal or tax advice
You really need to know what amount is "invested" and where, and who is the named beneficiary of those assets. Caregiving Services to her is a is a deductible medical expense (for her), that would offset taxes on her investment gains .
If she is a surviving spouse of a Wartime veteran VA "Pension" is an option, however due to recent regulation changes, depending on income asset level there may be a 3 year lookback, the House is an exempt asset.
You really need to know if her health, either physical or mental declines will she need a Nursing home, and how long "spend down" would be, if no asset protection stragegy is in place. Is the home mortgage free, and still insured? (or is this a rental/lease situation)?
Also in that case, would that make you homeless? (upon her death?) If you can prove , very important, that you have cared for her for at least 2 years,the house may not be subject to a medicaid lien.
You may want to hire a home care agency to give you respite, a couple days a week and get away, that also might impress the need for her to understand the real value of your services. You MUST get a change of scenery on a regular basis for your own welfare. Ir seems that the change from daughter to service provider has already taken place in Moms mind, and possibly values the other siblings as kids, and you as attendant.
Maybe a different point of view and I might get blasted for this but.
If she’s well off and saving up well. “IF” she willed you a large % of her estate might that make up the difference and equal to being paid?
the reason I bring this up is a few people in the Alz support group I’m in have had this happen. Some were surprised some actually knew it was coming as they added it to the will. With siblings they were aware and were whiteness on will. That also gave siblings a chance to step up and help if they wanted more of the finances at the end.
Just food for thought and stay strong!!!!
Caregivers can not hope for future compensation, it is a pay as you go to ensure they are compensated.
I would let your mother know that you are going to get a full time job during the day and you will set up an interview with a Care Agency, to let them evaluate her and they will say how much someone would cost. I'm sure your mom would then, more than gladly pay you minimum $75 a day for 24 hrs or she can try using the Service that won't be half as good as you.
Idea number 2). You are not beholden to anyone except yourself, even your mother, unless you choose to be. You must take care of yourself first. I learned that the hard way in those 5 years. I kept on plugging away through those years, taking care of my mom without ONE SINGLE BREAK. We got through it, but in the end she went to a nursing home, and I had a mild stroke. Now, at 55 I'm fully recovered from that, but am feeling my age and then some, and wish I had done things a bit differently. Get out there, sister, and take care of YOU first! Seriously. If your mom can afford to pay someone but refuses to pay you, she's speaking in volumes just how little she values your worth. Maybe not as a daughter, ....but you know as well as anyone that you are more than just a daughter. Get that job you know you can land, get your own place, get out there in the world, and let someone else take care of her. It'll help heal you, and your relationship with her. Avoid anymore of those kinds of regrets if you can. You can do this. <3