Mom asked me to move in to provide care 2 yrs. ago, new state. She’s 87, barely able to walk, hearing impaired, but pretty sharp. I love my mom, she’s quite a lovely person, tho she’s very materialistic and slightly narcissistic. I’m the opposite and tend to deny my needs for someone else’s benefit because I believe(d) in it. I’m the one kid who isn’t married, so I felt it was my duty to care for her.
In these two years, I have had little help from siblings (emotional support would help). I don’t know anyone here, so have no local support. I am now on Medicare but have no other medical supplements & worry about what will become of me after mom passes (not once has she mentioned my future, and that hurts me). It seems it’s all about her. That’s not the mom I knew.
I am feeling used, taken advantage of, and like I’m a servant, not a daughter. My usual optimism and loving kindness are fading, and I don’t like that. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m afraid of my future and can see nothing to look forward to unless I take some action. I asked mom last year to pay me something. She was upset, but finally said she’d give me $500/mo. I was shocked at how little she valued my services 24/7.
I’ve read posts stating that $15-$20/hr. is fair compared to agency rates. I also read one post stating a flat rate of $75/night is charged for the entire night.
What I’m thinking is that I should get the figures & facts ready for mom, then make a case. If she won’t hear it, I may have to find a job elsewhere. She can afford it, she just doesn’t wish to part with her money.
And, for once, I need to know I tried, so I don’t regret it.
I have a background in physical medicine & rehab, have cared for others most of my adult life and have considerable knowledge to help my mother, such as, interpreting medical reports/drugs, problem-solving.
I’m handy around the house, am a good cook, making her terrific meals she enjoys and raves about, I care for the house, laundry, etc. I don’t think a random agency aide could come close to the care I provide my mom.
I’m burning out with resentments and with the unconcern for ME, too! I keep trying to manage it, but I can’t any longer. Before I make a rash decision, I would be most grateful to hear your thoughts, especially, on what rate Upper Michigan caregivers are paid, and a little cheerleading on taking charge!
I am a newby to this site, but have benefitted so very much from all of your posts. Thank you.
When it came time she could no longer take care of her mom, we all together decided to put her in a home where she would be well taken care of by the health care personal. My suggestion to you would be, that if you are starting to wear out because of all the kaos in your family and them not wanting to support you on this, tell your mom firmly but respectfully that you can no longer live the way you have been and you need to start living your own life, but you will be there if she should need you or to come and visit her. Don't let her guilt bully you, but tell her that she will be paying for her health care because you will not do it for nothing anymore. When it comes to narcissistic people you have to hold your own or they will stomp all over you. I know as I have family like that myself.
Tell her you love her and then give her a list of people she can call for help starting with her own selfish kids!! Let her know you will help out till she gets someone but make sure she is doing it so you aren't being taken advantage of anymore then you have to.
Also I think it would be good for you to get some therapy so you can talk to a professional about the problems you have had. After that make yourself happy and do things for you!!
My concern for you, is being that your mother is acting in a highly narcissistic manner, and may be a full blown narcissist, it is highly possible that she will gladly let you do all the caregiving for free, and then cut you out of the will to boot, in the end.
Narcissists are famous for changing their will at the last minute. Her reason for cutting you out of the will may well be that you have no children.......or worse, she will spin some story that you did not take very good care of her as her caregiver.
Tell your mother that you need to get a job to supplement your income. Then walk out.
Startabart, walk out and the sooner the better. Don't feel guilty. You have done this for two years with no help and no emotional support. She may end up burying you.
I would absolutely not count on getting a dime from this woman. The other sibs will get it. I've seem this happen twice now and it makes me mad just to read your story.
Go to the office of the elderly in your town and see if they can advise you on how you can support yourself once on your own.
First, get a valid value for your room & board to add into the calculation.
Second, get it in writing! That way you have proof this money was not a gift or giving you your share of her inheritance early.
You may think she will never qualify for Medicaid but I know a lot of people who outlived their money, or major surgery and ICU suddenly ate it up.
Third: Make sure there is a lease portion in the contract. I know caretakers who were locked out by Estate Lawyers & siblings days after LO passed.
Fourth: Contact all agency I. Aging & United Way referrals to get respite help.
Parenting was 24/7 when women didn't work outside the home. Back then neighbors and family helped. Kids get potty trained and learn to make cereal and sandwiches. Parents are much bigger and don't gain skills with time. So research additional help and get it. If she won't pay you may need to leave her alone or hire a teen or college student to sit while you shop, go to a support group, or an hour at an affordable gym...or just walk to the park.
She needs to experience this. When you go shopping or see your doctor, etc..she thinks you are having fun and neglecting her.
Also check into long term care insurance and insist she gets it. Help her set it on auto pay from her bank.
Good Luck.
Caregiving is REALLY hard work esp for parents. Lots of issues come up from childhood not only with parents but with siblings......I was caring for both my parents for the last 6 yrs, after I was laid off from fulltime work(I opted to go back to work PT and make very little money but have had great jobs and have good savings, etc). My caregiving is categorized as PT ie was doing all insurance, all medical appts, all transport and medication management. My father passed last summer and now its just mom but she became much more helpless after dads death and has Congestive heart failure, diabetes, depression, anxiety etc.....she is 87 and dad died at 89.. When they were both alive , I would spend 4 nights per week with them and my brother would do the other 3 nights. Since dad got sick and then died(since June 2018), im here 6 nights per week and the commuting back and forth to manhattan(3.5 hours per day) for work is really tiring esp since my apt is a 10 min walk to work!. My brother has a really great, demanding job - works 60 hr weeks, gets paid really well and travels internationally for work. I told him that I would care for both parents(and now mom) and would tell him when I couldn't anymore.....well, mom still cooks and does laundry for herself, bathes herself, dresses herself, et but everything else I do......mentioned above.....my life has been ON HOLD for the last 6 yrs and def during the last yr, since my apt in NYC sits empty......I don't think I could ever ask to get paid for what I do - but everyone is different...my brother and I will inherit house and some savings and it will be divided equally. Its not ideal, since im grieving dad, caring for mom, working/commuting and some days don't feel well myself....im angry/jealous some days ie brother doesn't have to deal with this and is able to continue making lots of money.....mom and I bicker more ie we have rediscovered ourselves in a very different light...….there are days I want to stay in my apt but I cant leave her home alone late afternoon/night - she becomes depressed/anxious et.c…..she also has a ton of dr appts since dad died......its not one size fits all......If your mom is paying room and board and $500 on top of that - how much more would you need to feel financially secure? Also, if you weren't caring for mom - would you work outside of the home?
Honey, I don't know why your mom is treating you this way. I'm sorry, but you deserve so much more. I'd feel truly blessed to have your love and care. Unfortunately, your mom needs a wake up call, and soon. Please listen to the sound advice given to you by people who really care. God bless you, you're a beautiful person. Now start living yourself! Hugs to you!
your kids are fortunate. I think I have los of thinking and work to do
I have been back in my house for two months now. She is getting tired because now she’s doing all the cooking and cleaning up after meals, doctors appointments, medications, paying her bills and all the daily stuff on her own again. She sees the need for a housekeeper or assistant for about four hours a day Monday through Friday. She has yet found anyone to come. She finds something wrong with all of them and tells the agency why that person will not work out. She is going to end up paying a helper more than what she was going to compensate me for. Anyway, I’m just telling you this so you know that you’re not the only one in a hard situation.
You have received wonderful advice on this forum. A lot of your stress will go away once you move out and begin working again. Then you can be her daughter again and just check on her during the week or weekend and assist when you can. That is what I am doing right now. Yes I worry about her but she won’t make the necessary changes needed to keep me there, I know it’s very hard for her to do so.
Please keep us posted! 😊
As to your situation with your mother, you might find some assistance in this regard also through the Office for Aging. If your Mom isn't willing to pay you something reasonable for all your services possibly with your experience you could pick up an outside job and that would force her to have to hire someone for the time you are away. That would at least show her how much it really would cost if she were to have to pay for all your services. As her child I'm sure you are willing to, as you have been doing, work for much less than the going rate. But this is just a suggestion to help wake her up to your value and it would get you out of the house and get you around other people as well.
Tell her a part time job at Walmart or McDonald's would pay more than $500/m. And you only have to work 2 hours/ day to earn that much money. Sheesh!
Do you have another place to live? If you can't afford your own apartment, then rent a room for cheap. Get a job and tell your mother to find someone else to be her slave.
Edit to add: In fact, with your experience, you may be able to find a job as a caregiver through an agency or directly with a family that needs help for their elder. Then you can earn some real money.
Please take the first step to change your situation. NOW.
Plenty of people here are very critical and harsh and judgmental. Ignore that awfulness! They are not helping you, paying your bills and social security or doing ANYTHING for you. They would likely be the first people who would criticize you if you needed food stamps because you were ruined with what you were doing for your mother. Nothing justifies their criticisms.
I say this extra part because you don't need to pay a debt to her or anyone else.
You do not need her permission from before or now to take care of yourself. Unfortunately, as time goes on, fewer and fewer people care or want to help those of us who have sacrificed. My siblings were and are in their right minds and didn't mind that I sacrificed my health, sanity, relationship, life, finances and my future.
Keep your eyes wide open and then some.
Whether or not your mother is a complete narcissist (I don't know if it's possible to be "partly" but I worry that you are doubting your judgment of her). You have to do everything you can and take every iota of yourself and get paid and maybe in addition to payment get out, and everything else because she/they will eat you alive.
And if by some small chance that she is not a complete narcissist, your dynamic certainly looks like it and it's very dangerous for you. Add some dementia to that and some parental arrogance and you will have no way to help yourself or get out. The stress and the things that we endure as caregivers cloud our judgments and abilities and I look back and from this perspective I looked like an idiot to not do all these different things, but I didn't even have the wherewithal to think straight, let alone take care of myself.
This next part does not apply to you because my mother was not a narcissist but I felt to include it in case it offers you some help somehow.
My mother is not a narcissist. That is a huge difference. There are definitely things she did that were not OK and plenty of communications that were not OK and the family dynamics were totally screwed against me. I love my mother so very much. I was always so loyal to her that I spent lots of money going to see her on every break I could possibly find just to help her smile more. Then I moved back in with her when she was lonely and then she got worse. I thought it was so cruel that my brother and sister didn't help her when she was lonely and started to get worse. But they are the ones now who have solid families, solid finances, solid futures and are well-respected, healthy and take international vacations, etc. It was so important to me to give to her to thank her for the times she was there for me when she didn't have to be. That's how it started, and it quickly turned and I didn't see it. Like I said, she was not a narcissist, and I've had a lot of bad times in my life that she helped me through. But she would never think that I owed her. My mother would not have wanted me to sacrifice my life if she were in her right mind. That was part of the reason I was finally able to let go. I kept telling her that she was helping me instead of telling her that she had dementia because that had been her lifelong fear. And now after everything, my family doesn't even talk to me so I've lost them too, not that they were worth much now that I look back.
Please ignore that last part if it does not help you in any way! I worry that including it might make you feel guilty or something but I included it to let you know that you are in a worse situation than I was and mine was bad enough to ruin me.
Almost all of my sibs are millionaires. Mom is too, barely. I never cared much for money, I cared about helping people and that’s what I did. I never had any instruction about retirement and all that, so I didn’t learn how. I never had ANY instruction from either parent, except incidentally, as to how to be a wife.
So, that’s what I felt I had to do, and of course, that failed (1970’s). Well, I got myself into college and paid for the student loans till I was 55 yrs. old. But I made ba,d choices and never earned all that much compared with others. I just had no guidance. How do people who make big bucks get so far? They have mentors and people to guide them. Well, that’s over.
If mom had caregivers here, she’d pay wY too much, and they wouldn’t do near the things I am willing to do for her. Because i’m Here already, I want fair compensation. If she couldn’t do that, it would be a different story.
Thank ng you for caring enough to send your comments, and to share your story. I’m so sad to know you are now estranged from your remaining family. I hope you hang in there, have some good friends, and make a good life without them. Again, thanks
no, I would not inherit the home and there are 7 kids who are named in a living trust. I would never try to get anything except a fair wage for what i’m doing.
yes, this is all so hard. I just don’t want to be stupid and foolish. I am providing what she wants in order to stay in her home. I’m giving up all I want in my life right now to do that for her because I love her. If I weren’t doing that, someone el.se would be because she’s not ready to be in a home. She needs time to let go. But if that means, in these last years of my working life that I will lose out to the point of being destitute, annd no one else will step in (no one will), then I need to fight for fair wages—no one else will.
thanks so much for caring.
never expect to get admiration adoration family support from your family! Albeit I have become hardened over my last nine years of caregiving!
make a loss of Social Security Retirement Rates past few years of not working verses working! Pull up mathematical calculations from SSA!
Make spreadsheets of Professional Caregiver Rates verses what you will be paid! But make the mother/family pay the employer taxes! $15 is not counting employer taxes owed, or personal self employment income taxes owed!
bob
robert.g.glover@gmail.con
i am learning what you said—don’t expect much from family. I guess I did. I’ve gotten words of gratitude, but...
making spreadsheets is a good idea, but mom probably wouldn’t understand it all. She’d pretend like she does, because that’s what she does, then later I find out she doesn’t get it. I think it’s better to find the bottom lines and help her to manage those.
I appreciate your support and sending your comments. Since that time we are slowly beginning to talk. It should be slow. I am learning so much from all of you helpful posters. Thanks so much, Bob.
I think lack of sleep is from so much stress. Join a gym and workout slowly until you reach your goal. Stress can cause lots of health issues and you need to take care of yourself. I hope things get better for you.
I’m so sorry to hear of your huge devotion to your parents and that now, you are not recovering well. You CAN, and you will! Believe it! I have a little trouble with some advice to those of us who are trying to struggle out of despair and brokeness. Sometimes, it’s timing, but most times, it’s making a huge leap out of confusion, regret, anger, resentment, or more. Sometimes, we have to force ourselves to put one small foot forward into something we CAN do. I know this.
You were very kind to help me. I am so appreciative. These small kindnesses add up in the life of one who has few to make a big difference. Pass it on! Thanks.
Also, your mother should be told that she can't take her money with her. She will either part with it now in spending it on her care or part with it after she dies when someone else will get it. Wow, how materialistic!
Yes, I believe i’m being used, but I don’t want to be a martyr. I think some situations require patience, and lots of clarification.
Mom and I talked earlier. She doesn’t see/admit that she’s been using me. I asked her, “what about doing the right thing for your loved one?” She didn’t have an answer. She’s getting too old. Our conversation knocked some stuff out of her. In no way do I want her
to “atone” at this point. She was a very good mom in many ways and I am grateful for that. She will never see things that don’t make sense to her or don’t register.
Interesting to see how she maneuvered around tricky questions and what I thought were facts. I could be wrong. Her memories and mine vastly differ in terms of what has been said and misunderstood.. I don’t want to harbor resentments. I just want to resolve problems and move on. So, that’s how we’ll proceed.
i would never have been able to have had this fairly productive conversation with mom today, had it not been for the many caring and informative and supportive posts from you all on this forum. I am so grateful.
Mom asked me me to come here, and I did. I didn’t want this, but I wanted my mom to be cared for, because I love her and want her to be happy.
I am giving up the last years of my earning life. I don’t always feel ok, but I don’t tell mom that. If she hadn’t asked me to live with her, I would be earning money, because I need to. I have no one to care for me when I get sick. I will likely never marry again. I’m alone and afraid, but I know I did the right thing in coming to help my mom. If I had resources, I would never think of charging mom. Since I don’t, I need pay, as I can’t earn a living elsewhere right now, because i’m giving everything to mom. If I don’t earn something, I won’t have anything and will regret I sacrificed so much.
not sure yet about releasing funds. The money is in a living trust and she feels it should stay there to honor her deceased husbands wishes. Thanks for your thoughts.
You can not destroy your life for her care. No one ever thinks that is a good idea. The fact that you ask shows your heart and how emotions are wrapped in this.
I agree, anyone else doing this would get money. There is nowhere written a child must care for their parent for free or not be able to make their own income because of parental expectations. It seems she values her money more than her thankfulness to you.
The OP's situation has abruptly changed. Please see her new thread.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/thanks-to-all-who-answered-with-77-replies-im-so-grateful-newrelated-problem-mom-just-kicked-me-out-449358.htm?orderby=recent
Just gave you a shortened nickname! You have skills. You can work and live lots of places.
Last year, Mom started giving you $500 per month, if I have that correct.
Is the "Mom has kicked me out" at all negotiable?
Can you continue part-time and get a job, saving for a place?
I agree with others, you will do better not taking care of your mother 24/7.
And I feel you need to be living where you were happier. If that led to not visiting your Mom, would you be okay with that?
Will read again your other thread/question. In the meantime, taking deep breaths and trying not to panic as you consider your options.
If you two had a fight, she may calm down. Leaving abruptly is not right, for her, and especially for you. Can you put the topic of pay on the back burner while you plan your escape?
Burnout does require immediate help for you, no amount of money will cure it.
A respite (time away) will help.
Or else it's an amazing coincidence! :)
If the situation is allowing you to sleep adequately at night and her night needs are not excessive I would still push to have her give you at least the $500 a month for nighttime coverage. Managing and coordinating her aides and healthcare is still a big and important job crucial to helping her with her goal of staying in her home. If you get sick or hurt, $100 a day is not even close to enough for covering all the work you are providing.
You have given helpful ideas. Thanks so much. I keep saying to myself: others have done this, and I can do it,too. Step by step. Your support has helped me to ward off despair and panic. I now have a resource with this wonderful website, so, i’m Not alone! Not sure what will happen, yet, but at least I don’t feel so confused and strangled! XO
Then you could hire someone to help mom on her LTC and you get some relief from all the caregiving. And get paid for the work you do. She knows you should be getting paid or she would not have asked her insurance.
You have received some really great advice about your rights as to staying there until you get on your feet.
Take some time to calm down and really search your heart to make sure that you don't have regrets. We can love and help our narcissistic parents, we just have to always know what we are dealing with. Keep our boundaries and always have a way to cope with the frustration and hurt they inflict. It will always be a sore spot, it's mom and/or dad, something in us tells us that they should love us just as we are, just as we loved them until they destroyed our hearts and opened our eyes. But it won't happen and learning to be all good with the reality takes some work. Especially when you have believed what they instilled in us.
Can you go for a few hours and throw rocks or kick cans or something to get some of the angry energy out of you? My personal fave is a nerf bat and a pillow. Works great for me to talk myself through my hurt, I get angry when I am hurt, could not be vulnerable in my youth or you got devoured, still working on not going right to anger when I am hurt. Until then the pillow gets all the anger I refuse to dump on another human being.
Take the time you need to figure this situation out. Hopefully you can find a solution that gives you your hearts desires, whatever they be.
Hugs!
So, living with mom these two yrs. has been eye-opening. And now, with your help and the help of all of these good people who care enough to write me, i’m finding some perspective, lots of useful information, and a kind of permission to let go a little. I need to. It’s truly killing me. I don’t think I would ever abandon my mother. But this sure is a blatant notice to set much needed boundaries at last. I’ve tried before.
I loved the the throwing rocks idea. Maybe similar, a few days ago I drove south 30 miles to a small park on Lake Michigan. Beautiful, and no one there. So, I shouted at mom for a little while, then strolled in the sand on the beach. The surf sound was loud and it helped. Ha! (I confess I thought maybe I could live in a campsite all summer). Escape!! But, no.
I will not leave here till I feel I can. My mom is not a cruel person. I’ve not said “no” to her much. When I do, she gets irate. She’s even had a tantrum or two. But that’s because sh’s so used to getting everything she wants, HER way, control freak and spoiled, as she is.
we talked a bit yesterday. Hate to admit, but she insisted, even after I told her I wouldn’t talk till I was ready, because I was so angry with her. But we did some. Then she criticized me for sounding hateful. I repeated that I told her we should wait and have a rational discussion when my anger simmered down.
she managed to reduce the issues down to this: “so, it’s all about money”, she accused (she didn’t ask it as a question). I said, no, mom, but have you ever once spoken to me about my future or what’s going to happen to me whenyou’re gone? A few more things, then I ended it. I don’t like to problem-solve in anger.
i guess it’s some progress. I could tell she was reconsidering a bit after some time to herself. I know she’s scared and I want to comfort her, but I think, at long last, it’s time for her to face the consequences of her actions. It’s the only way, for someone like her. She’s not in any danger, she can get breakfast and lunch for herself, as I have it ready. I make dinner. I don’t want her company right now. I need to distinguish between her “wants” and her “needs”, and set limits. These are the first steps. I think we might be over the crisis. Not sure. One day at a time. She hasn’t said yet that she wants me to stay, and I don’t know if I should/can. I think a holding pattern and negotiating is a good plan.
Thanks so so very much for your great support. I value it so much.
Maybe some of the payment in exchange for services could come in the form of gas for your car, registration, insurance, health insurance supplemental, and
a therapist. Nearing or at burnout, I recommend the support of a therapist to get you through this rough spot. It does not mean you are crazy. Or a caregiver support group to start.
thank you so much.