Hello, so finally had to put my mom in a 6 resident max care home about 2 miles away thankfully. She went in on the 15th of Dec and today is the 24th. Shes used to doing whatever she wants, when she wants and how she wants. It doesnt help she worked graveyard for 40 years so is used to being up all night which was a huge reason why moving her was necessary. I/we need more that 1½ to 3 hours of sleep a night. Also, we were paying as much for scanty hours of in home care as going to the home costs and still having to run around crazy to fill the rest of the hours ourselves. It was impossible, especially with the new incontinence issues, pooping on instead of in the toilet, refusing showers and diaper changes etc..also a fall risk.
Now, 9 days into the carehome and being seen by a hospice nurse once a week even tho shes nowhere near death, its good to have eyes-on her, espe cially while adjusting to the new place which she ISNT doing well-they needed to put her on depakote which makes her dizzy. Now she has now fallen, gashed her head and is bandaged up. She was put on depakote because of her constant wandering, trying to escape and then when they would try to redirect her away from the front door she would throw herself on the floor just like a child having a tantrum, refusing to shower which they said they can't force her to which really makes me wonder how a person can live in a facility and no one actually make them shower at some point...Overall, her behavior has been fairly wild as shes used to having full reign of her own house and going outside on 5 acres, now shes literally locked inside, especially since the weather is bad in our area so the caretakers arent letting them outside even on the patio and I understand that...
Weve been told its best not to visit or take her out for the first 2 weeks due to it being during the adjustment period but they are making an acception for Christmas. Now this has happened.
My brother who fought me tooth and nail on putting her in a home and only relented after me leaving him alone with her for practically 2 weeks with minimal outside help so he could see how unmanageable it REALLY is for me to deal with and FINALLY see its necessary to do so and that im not the bad selfish person who "just wants to go back to my own life" by putting her in a home.
Now its almost Christmas day and shes all banged up. He already wants to "take her out and bring her home EVERY DAY soon as he can" because he feels guilty shes even in there... he's been warned shes not steady on her feet and now a fall has already occurred. I obviously am not going to prevent him from seeing her or bringing her home to her own house if thats what he wants to do. Im just looking for anyone else's experience with anything similar. As her poa, i have to make decisions at the end of the day.
How normal is a fall in a carehome? I already know they happened infrequently in her own home and she wasnt on depakote back then.
I dont know :(. I'm still sore and recovering from a procedure yesterday that i had put off to deal with my dads death, my mom and now this and in 3 weeks I'm supposed to be out of the country to visit my M.I.L. who's in worse shape than my own mom... How should I deal with all this? What to say to brother when he sees her bandaged? Are falls common? Is mom really going to be ok in a residential? Are they like what we see and hear on tv? I'm kinda scared now. :(
Allow for adjustment. Any move to new place, new conditions is an enormous change to anyone, and especially so to an elder, but this move was clearly made "for reasons". And this is but one more thing that makes it known that placement was a good idea.
I would attempt to cooperate in the facility's recommend about adjustment. But if you feel simply too overwhelmed with noting the ways we get banged up and bruised that you are too uncomfortable to not show up daily, just let them know that. I have a feeling they will understand that.
Yes, they fall. If she iscsuppose to be using a walker and is not doing it, she falls...thats on her. If she gets up out of a chair with no support and falls, thats on her. My daughter was caring for a resident in a wheelchair. She turned for a second to say something to someone, and in the time the resident stood up and fell out of the WC.
Yes.
Three weeks ago my 96-yr old Mom fell in her own kitchen of her own house for seemingly no apparent reason (she lives next door to me and is semi-independent). She doesn't know why she fell except that she "turned her head" and the next thing: boom, on the floor. She broke off the tip of her elbow and her arm was black & blue and swollen from her armpit to her fingertips. This is her 3rd fall where she broke a bone in the past 3-ish years. All took place in her home or a relative's home. She will fall again and the falls will probably occur closer and closer together. My thought is that eventually one of the falls will land her in LTC because she is healthy as a horse otherwise.
Her last fall was this past spring. The prior fall was a few years ago. The falls are happening more often now.
"What to say to brother when he sees her bandaged?"
You have him read all the responses to your post and tell him it is a difficult truth that once seniors start falling, it often just keeps happening, for differing reasons.
He can take her home but she will just fall there also. So falling is not just a thing that happens in a facility due to an incompetent staff. Falling happens because elders lose their balance, lose their judgement, lose the ability to remember they are no longer steady on their feet, etc.
And, seriously, how dare he accuse you of wanting to go back to your life as the reason for moving her into care!? It doesn't sound like he is willing to give up his life to care for her, yet someone you should? Outrageous.
You do not want brute force to be used to get mom to bathe. Then you'll be upset and asking if that is the "right" behavior in care? No it's not. Give mom a chance to get to know the aides and to trust them first. Worst case scenario, hospice has a CNA to give her a bed bath 2x a week. My mother's issue was a "slippery" shower floor. It wasn't, but SHE perceived it to be. So I bought her water shoes on Amazon and that solved the problem. If mom is in a non Memory Care facility, the aides may have no experience handling dementia patients who are fearful of bathing. The number of residents is not as important as the aides experience and their dementia care experience in general as a team. My mom's place had murals on the outside doors so residents had no idea they WERE outside doors, as an example.
You are POA. I strongly suggest yo do not allow your brother to take mom home bc she will fall there, too. And how will he be able to handle her?? He won't. And will there be room at the facility once you check her out but want her moved back in??
Placement is not a punishment but a way for a team of people to provide care for your loved one that you cannot do alone. Everyone thinks it's a cake walk until they find out what your brother found out and what he needs to be reminded of again. Both of you can visit mom daily if you'd like, but sleep at night like normal humans. It's not asking too much to be able to do that. It takes a village, literally, to care for compromised elders such as your mom.
Best of luck to you.
You can look for some that have secure outdoor areas. One chain is Arden Courts. This is not a good match for everyone but they do have a larger fenced in area than most memory cares and residents are free to go outside during daylight hours. I have seen other places that have outside courtyards but they vary is size.
You may also need to discuss changing medications too, if they make her unsteady.
Don't let your brother guilt-trip you. You are acting for her safety. And it does take a while to adjust, so hang in there.