Trying to get her stabilized for 8 days now, I am by her side all day every day. On vent and dialysis. She’s my best friend and the only one I could ever depend on for help, compassion and safety. She never did any preplanning and I’m terrified that I will soon be alone and homeless if she dies without a will.
Thank you, I met with the social worker yesterday. They are doing all they can for her, throwing everything at the problems, but she is so weak now. They are telling me that it’s not good and to be prepared to have her die. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t survive this world without her
It’s sepsis. We are at the end of possible treatments. I had to tell them dnr today. The downward slide was quick these past two days. I think this is it. I won’t make it without her
When my father was dying it felt like my heart was getting shredded. Still does sometimes. One teeny tiny thing that helped when I was in the hospital was I asked friends to send cute and funny videos. Then I went into the restroom or on any break I looked at kitten videos. Those mini breaks reminded me of another reality out there, such a small thing helped me so much.
Giving you another huge bear hug...
🌹
You mention she is on the vent and dialysis. I know that they will have to her with all of her major system, lungs, kidneys and etc coming under attack it is now touch and go, a second to second battle for her life, which they will wage. What at worst happens is that the entire body goes into a sort of "shock" and the blood pressure collapses. They work hard putting in fluid when needed, getting it out as needed and removing poisons from it with dialysis, but once shock comes in there are times when there is nothing to be done. My brother went into sepsis from a cellulitis only. He didn't want to either stay in hospital and fight at 85; he chose hospice and no intubation and passed peacefully with medication. Your Mom is young. She is fighting and they are fighting FOR her. You seem to be getting good information and updates. Our thoughts are with you.
I've been in your exact place 16 years ago when my mom had a brain hemorrhage out of the blue, I know that panic. I felt so lost that I wouldn't even think to write in a forum like this, or have half of your lucidity. My mom has been in a coma for 3 months, every 2 hours there was a new emergency, or at least it felt like that. It was almost impossible to bear. Almost. Because I'm here today, and my mom is too. 16 years later.
Be strong, as you are proving to be, for her and for yourself. Hold her hand, even if she's uncoscious. Talk to her with the CERTAINTY that she can hear you, because she can. Not with her ears, she will listen to you through her hand, and through her soul. When she came out of her coma, my mom told me she could hear me.
Nothing is impossible in this life. Your mom is still young. Think that she will make it.
I hug you, very tight.
1. Have you been in touch with her PCP to ask if there was anything else going on that s/he might like to add in terms of history for her current docs?
2. Tell the nurse in charge of the ICU that you would like to meet with the hospitalist tomorrow and need to have the Chaplain and/or SW present.
You want to ask the hospitalist to explain to you in plain English what mom's prognosis is. And what s/he woukd do if this was THEIR parent.
(I once took my mom to a wonderful Gastroenterologist who explained what he proposed to do. I said "would you allow your 93 year old mother with dementia to undergo that procedure?". He said "H*ll no!".
((((Hugs)))))
3. Ask if one medication (like Cipro), an antibiotic, can be causing her side effects. Can they change the antibiotic? Have you read the side effects of any meds she is taking?
This thread is evolving from the questions about the will, to:
What does she ask the doctors?
1) Has she been tested for Covid? Is this Covid?
Anyone else have some ideas?
Thanks everyone for being here for "Barely".
Crying and sobbing uncontrollably means YOU are losing control of yourself and considering your mother dead & buried before she actually IS! Pull yourself together because you need to be strong now. See if you can get an RX for a small dose of Xanax to help calm you down. Sometimes, when emotions run away with us, the BODY needs to calm down and THEN the mind comes along for the ride, do you know what I mean? You're upset, and rightly so, but realize that your mother is in good hands where she's at, and the doctors will likely stabilize her and she'll heal from this incident. One day at a time is the approach to take.........sometimes it's one minute at a time. But do NOT count her out yet, okay? She's relatively young at 73 and has a good chance of being alright. That's the message to keep repeating to yourself.
Don't worry about where you will live; the others have given you good advice about that aspect of things.
What I don't like is your boyfriend's attitude here. When you need him most, he is acting annoyed with you, as if you're doing something wrong?? Come on.......this is his chance to STEP UP and if he can't do that, he needs to step AWAY and you need to kick his arse to the curb. The last thing you need is more stress from an immature b/f who doesn't know how to provide comfort and care to his g/f who needs him right now. Or how to put his own needs aside to look after you. Even if he feels like you're 'overreacting' or whatever........he STILL needs to provide you with support right now. Tell him, if you can't do that buster, then VAMOOSE.
Please take care of YOU right now and don't forget those words. Eat, sleep, bathe......do all the things you need to do to function. Ask the doctor for something to help you relax, and then try praying and/or meditating to regain your center. Think positive thoughts and, like Momshelp said, remember to breathe.
Please keep us updated b/c we really DO care! Hugs and prayers sent your way, dear woman.
I will do my best to follow your advice, put aside my fears and try to be more moment to moment.
Im pretty shocked and deeply hurt at my BFs reactions. I know that he is upset and depressed about our moving plans being blown out of the water by this, but this is my MOM, this is my mom’s life and my life. I just feel so afraid and isolated. I was collapsed on the floor in the grip of panic and despair and to have him react angrily and heap shame on me for one instance of housework oversight I couldn’t even process it.
Thank you again for your advice, I’m so very grateful that I took a chance on this website and that everyone here has come to help me. Thank you for listening to a stranger cry out for support and responding so kindly.
Do you have a favorite bible verse, an inspirational quote, or encouragement that you could read daily?
One of mine is: "I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me".
Im not even sure what questions I should be asking.
"I managed to find and pay the property taxes that were due, the electric bill and a few other small bills that are only in her name. "
Give yourself some credit.
It tends to feed your fears and panic.
1) It is no longer true that you will be alone. You have us. You have a boyfriend (who may be very scared, or not even worthy of you.)
2) You have your Mom's house to return to. That can be settled later, but you will not be homeless today, and maybe not tomorrow either.
Take a small dose of any prescribed medication for you to keep yourself calm.
You are young, and sometimes with enough information, we can figure these things out.
If a husband or boyfriend is being cruel at a time like this, give me his address and I will send a U.S. Marine over there to set him straight. Are you in the U.S.? (joking).
We are caregivers, we can help you better if you can answer any facts on the main post, and not so much on the reply feature.
There will be others coming alongside to help you.
Many are reading right now, and in the early morning. Thinking of ways to support you.
Try not to imagine the worse. Wait until the doctors can give you facts about your Mom. I personally have known so many whose organs have been shutting down, and survived years later. Still, it sounds serious for your mother. Is this all of a sudden, her illness?
I believe she thought she was having a bout of pancreatitis (she was hospitalized once before for it several years ago) and decided to self treat by limiting her food and drink intake.
The staff says she has liver damage and kidney damage and possible problems with her gall bladder and pancreas. She consented to the vent the night she was admitted but has been sedated ever since. Nothing can be treated until they can stabilize her. Today is the ninth day of ICU. I tried to edit this info into the original post, but I am unable to make edits cause I don’t know how.
How are you in that department?
Many caregivers have the same fears, about becoming homeless, losing their house after their parent passes.
It can all be managed, in so many ways.
Maybe there is just so much you do not yet know.
Maybe there is a will, or life insurance that you are unaware of?
There will be help for you. Are you a senior yet?
I am 44, but I’m not versed in any thing of this sort. My only experience with “real world” things In my life has been maintaining employment and renting apartments here and there. I am so over my head and don’t understand financial or legal things. All I know is what I don’t know. It’s so much to bare.
If you have been a live-in caregiver for your Mom for a certain number of years, I think there is something about inheriting the house, but you would need to pay upkeep, mortgage, expenses.
Maybe when this crisis in ICU passes, you should inquire if she has mortgage insurance, life insurance, or if the home is paid for, if she owns one.
Or sell it and buy a home for yourself.
Focus on Mom right now. Talk to us and remain calm.
Along with asking to see the hospital social worker as "Isthisrealyreal" suggested, you could also speak with the hospital Chaplain to help give you comfort and support when it comes to your feelings of doubts and fears.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this all on your own and I will be praying for both you and your mom - that you will feel God's love, peace and comfort surrounding you during this most difficult of times.
"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10
The one thing I can tell you is not to worry right now about a will. If you are your Mother's next of kin, then you will be appointed, if you are not a minor, as the person to settle her estate. There are rules in states that dictate how an estate is to be divided among heirs in the event of no will.
You may need help with doing that, perhaps a lawyer, but it is pretty much as simple as filings to the court and getting appointed executor to begin with. That is if, goodness forbid, your Mom doesn't make it, and that can't yet be known.
For now, contact the Social Worker at the Hospital and tell her of your terror, and of feeling alone and helpless. She can begin to give you resources.
Try to take this a day at a time; right now it is about your Mom's hoped for recovery. Try not to be scared about handling the legalities; we are all scared by new things. At 76 I took over managing my brother's trust and estate and didn't know a thing! I was panicked as any 16 year old could ever be. A day at a time, I got through, and I learned a whole lot. My best wishes out to your Mom.
As far as support goes, I sometimes reach out to my closer Facebook friends to talk online, but they are all out of state and don’t have any experience with this type of situation. My boyfriend tries to support me emotionally, but he quickly gets impatient and easily frustrated with my panic attacks, sobbing and inability to function. My attention being focused on my mother and this sudden horrible situation and away from him has made him almost cruel at times.
I will speak to the social worker as you and others here have suggested. I’ll try to pull myself together and think of questions I need answered and hopefully they can help.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to a total stranger in pain.
You will be her next of kin and with no other family everything will go to you.
Ask to see a social worker at the hospital. They can probably direct you to the proper authorities to help you understand what happens if she loses her battle.
May God heal her body and give you comfort and strength during this difficult time.