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Quite often "I want to go home" does not mean an actual place. It can mean that they want to be reassured that they are safe. (Home = Safety) Tell her.."Mom you are home, you are safe here." If she persists Tell her "Mom, you can leave when the doctor says it is safe for you to leave but for now you have to stay here." After each of these distract. "Mom, do you want to go get some juice?" "Mom, let's go for a little walk." "Mom, let's play a game of cards."
I wonder whether it would make matters better or worse to ask M what she particularly likes about ‘home’. For one thing, it would clarify whether she is remembering the latest place, as some posters have found that ‘home’ was a much earlier residence.
You could talk through all the rooms in ‘home’ and what she particularly liked about them – where she liked to sit, what she liked to look at, her favorite pieces of furniture etc. The same about the garden, and the same about earlier ‘homes’. She might really enjoy the conversation – ‘going home in her head’. I enjoy talking about places where I have lived, even now! Photos might help, so you could follow on next time with pictures of the things she mentioned liking. You could do an imaginary visit - 'What would you do when we first arrive? Where would you sit while I made a cuppa?'. It might even help her to realise aftewards that it wouldn't in reality be what she would like to imagine.
It might be better than just saying a hundred shades of ‘no’. Best wishes to you both, Margaret
Home is no longer safe, so the doctor wants her living where she's at. That's what I'd tell my mother, which was true, really. If and when the doctor says she is well enough to go home, then you can discuss it. Distract her in the meantime and hug her as well.
Home also represents a place in time when an elder with dementia was younger and felt safe, as when they were living with their parents for example. An elder can BE home and still ask to GO home. As the dementia advances, they can also start asking to see deceased loved ones, as my mother would insist upon doing.
Remember the goal is to keep mom calm and relaxed.....not to impose OUR code of morals about "right and wrong" on her broken brain. Sometimes it requires us to lie or make up stories to keep them content, whatever it takes. Some call it telling "therapeutic fibs" to help themselves feel better. I'd tell mom whatever she needed to hear at any given moment. Dementia makes no sense. Don't agitate her in order not to "break a commandment".....all bets are off with dementia!
Here is a link to this very topic from the Alzheimer's association:
JCM, this is such a common question to the Forum. There is nothing to say about the heartbreak that we sustained by our elders and by our standing witness to the torment of those we love. Only you best know what will comfort your dear mom, what she can retain, what best to do. You may have to try more than a few tactics of trying to divert her attention, etc. For my brother, honest was all that worked. The sitting knee to knee, holding one another's hands, and looking deep into one another's eyes. He had to be allowed to say "I would rather be dead" and I had to say "I understand that, but I can't kill you; we don't have a choice. I will always be here for you; I will protect you as well as I can". He was good at discussing his Lewy's, and the changes he felt in his world, and the changes he feared with loss of control.
There is no way around this grief, no way to avoid it. Grieve. Shed tears with Mom if you can. Is this not worth grieving. And if an honest answer of "I wish it were not so, Mom but neither of us has any choice; this is where you will live now" or whether you can divert her attention by "For NOW the doctor thinks it is best you are here and get stronger and less forgetful".
I am so sorry. There's no good answer to this one. Not everything in life can be fixed. My heart goes out to you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It can mean that they want to be reassured that they are safe. (Home = Safety)
Tell her.."Mom you are home, you are safe here."
If she persists
Tell her "Mom, you can leave when the doctor says it is safe for you to leave but for now you have to stay here."
After each of these distract.
"Mom, do you want to go get some juice?"
"Mom, let's go for a little walk."
"Mom, let's play a game of cards."
The doctor never will.
You could talk through all the rooms in ‘home’ and what she particularly liked about them – where she liked to sit, what she liked to look at, her favorite pieces of furniture etc. The same about the garden, and the same about earlier ‘homes’. She might really enjoy the conversation – ‘going home in her head’. I enjoy talking about places where I have lived, even now! Photos might help, so you could follow on next time with pictures of the things she mentioned liking. You could do an imaginary visit - 'What would you do when we first arrive? Where would you sit while I made a cuppa?'. It might even help her to realise aftewards that it wouldn't in reality be what she would like to imagine.
It might be better than just saying a hundred shades of ‘no’. Best wishes to you both, Margaret
Home also represents a place in time when an elder with dementia was younger and felt safe, as when they were living with their parents for example. An elder can BE home and still ask to GO home. As the dementia advances, they can also start asking to see deceased loved ones, as my mother would insist upon doing.
Remember the goal is to keep mom calm and relaxed.....not to impose OUR code of morals about "right and wrong" on her broken brain. Sometimes it requires us to lie or make up stories to keep them content, whatever it takes. Some call it telling "therapeutic fibs" to help themselves feel better. I'd tell mom whatever she needed to hear at any given moment. Dementia makes no sense. Don't agitate her in order not to "break a commandment".....all bets are off with dementia!
Here is a link to this very topic from the Alzheimer's association:
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/i-want-go-home-what-to-say-to-someone-in-dementia-care#:~:text=Often%20when%20a%20person%20with,that%20may%20not%20physically%20exist.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
There is nothing to say about the heartbreak that we sustained by our elders and by our standing witness to the torment of those we love.
Only you best know what will comfort your dear mom, what she can retain, what best to do. You may have to try more than a few tactics of trying to divert her attention, etc.
For my brother, honest was all that worked. The sitting knee to knee, holding one another's hands, and looking deep into one another's eyes. He had to be allowed to say "I would rather be dead" and I had to say "I understand that, but I can't kill you; we don't have a choice. I will always be here for you; I will protect you as well as I can". He was good at discussing his Lewy's, and the changes he felt in his world, and the changes he feared with loss of control.
There is no way around this grief, no way to avoid it. Grieve. Shed tears with Mom if you can. Is this not worth grieving. And if an honest answer of "I wish it were not so, Mom but neither of us has any choice; this is where you will live now" or whether you can divert her attention by "For NOW the doctor thinks it is best you are here and get stronger and less forgetful".
I am so sorry. There's no good answer to this one. Not everything in life can be fixed.
My heart goes out to you.