I have been on here several times with my story. I recently moved my mom in with me after a VP shunt was put in her brain to relieve the incapacitating effects of Normal Pressure Hydracephalus. I took a year off of work and lost over $40,000 in lost wages and expenses. My brother whom is 43 and lived with her rent free continued to work and accumulate his large retirement investments and keep his sports car. We sold my mom's house and put my brother in an apartment and my mom pays his rent every month until his car is paid off (three more years) so he doesn't have to dip into his 401k or his stocks (large amt of money). My brother works full time and so do I and my husband. I have a caregiver come in while I am away at work and my daughter at school. My situation is a bit different than many others as my mom has substantial investments and well over 120K in her savings account and a monthly income of $4800.00 of which she pays us $400 a month for her own den, bedroom and private bathroom. This also includes all food (barely pays for her food) utilities, transportation and I pay 1/2 of her storage bill a month because I had to put some of my things in storage with her things to make room in my home. My husband purchased our business from my dad when he retired. We pay her $2000 a month for 11.7 years (sadly my dad passed on). In April we will give her the final payment as the legal agreement was $300,000. You know where I am going with this. Mom has given the caregiver notice that after April she will no longer need her. I do not agree. She is a fall risk. Several doctors have told her she should not be alone. A Physician's assistant recently told her it should be ok during the day, so now that suggestion is gospel. I told my mom I did not agree with this but, she yells and get angry. My point is she is hoping I retire and stay home to care for her. I can't now. My daughter is going off to college in 2 years and I need to recoupe her college fund as that is slowly being depleted. I have taken a different job which is more flexible and less pay so I could be here for mom more. I will no longer be able to take her monthly contribution to the household as she is still using her charge cards and will be paying my brother's rent. I try to explain to her that he is set for life and I have 3 children and we do not have a 401K or stock accounts but, rather we have to put that much more into our retirement. I am 47 and mom's illness was quite a financial disaster for my husband and I. Her response is that we kicked my brother out of his home, he feels abandoned and she needs to make sure he is taken care of. My brother will retire a millionaire and I will be eating cat food and living in a Kenmore box if I have to financially support my mom and in reality my brother. Thinking of a life alert button!
I also think it is time to re think your living arrangements. The way I see it you will always be held responsible for her money woes as long as she is paying you rent. Just because she won't consider AL doesn't mean that she has to stay with you, there are very nice seniors communities where help can be hired as needed. I get that you are terribly concerned for her physical welfare and it will be terribly difficult to give up the security you derive from having her with you, but I think this arrangement makes you the bad guy to your mother and probably your brother as well.
I hear you KayBee. I'm not trying to be snarky as I know what a totally unreasonable mother can be like. They brainwash us into not seeing reality correctly or bully us into feeling sorry for them when they really have the upperhand especially when it comes to finances.
My mom cries that she's a poor broke widow but we're the poor ones after her demands on me the past five years. It's emotional blackmail. We have a son in college now and it's not easy after I haven't worked in so long.
Your mom could easily afford AL. Bro needs to sell his car and grow up at 43. I'd give him a kick in the pants for you if I could! :)
I would in the meantime get a life alert pendant for her; you can cancel the monthly payment if she does agree to live in a facility.
Your mother unfortunately has also made some unwise choices with funding your brother, who has not participated equally in her care. It's totally unfair to expect you to sacrifice when he hasn't provided a comparable level of support.
I think though that daughters are easier to manipulate than sons.
I wondered why your mother thinks you threw your brother out of the house. Did she not receive the money for the house? It sounds like you've been very good to her and received little toward her living expenses. You have children and your own futures to consider, though, so there is only so much you can do. Much luck to you in handling this.