My mom has had dementia for 5 years. My dad is 95 and has been taking care of her along with help I've brought in. I live 5 hrs away and come back to their house about every 2 weeks to help them both. Mom's mobility and incontinence issues left us no other recourse but to move her to a nursing home. It is a very nice place, great help, and she has a private room. When I come to town, I take her home for the day to spend time with dad and I. But she is always asking to move back home. We tell her that we can't take care of her at home anymore. Is there a different approach we should take instead of honesty? Every time she asks, we feel guilty and feel bad for her.
”Plan to stay until the end of the month. Your fee has already been paid and we wouldn’t want to waste it”.
Definitely stop the home visits. Her “home” is now the residence where she’s living.
By my observation, most people entering any sort of extended care want to go “home”, but home exists only in their memories.
Much more painful at this stage for the caregiver than their LO.
Next time you visit bring dad to visit her.
Have breakfast, brunch, or whatever meal they are having there.
Go for a walk around the grounds, play a card game just enjoy your visit. Then go.
After doing that for a while you could take her out for lunch but do not bring her home.
If you celebrate Easter this is another that you should make your visit and celebration there not at "home" The facility where she is now is her "home" and she needs to get used to that.
Can you bring Dad to see her instead and spend the day with her there? You can come and go a couple of times a day if that's not too far, too.
Use distraction techniques to change the subject with mom when she gets on the 'going home' subject; offer her a snack or bring up an old memory that is a good one for both of you. Photos are a very good distraction, so do bring them when you visit.
I know how unsettling it is to have mom asking to go home; my mom did it too, but it was impossible for her to live anywhere else but the Memory Care ALF. FWIW, the vast majority of dementia sufferers ask to 'go home' even when they live in their own home! It's indicative of wanting to go back to a place in time when they were young and healthy, more so than anything else. It tugs at our heartstrings to hear all this, though, so just keep repeating the 'doctor' blurb and leave it at that.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Anyway, I'd always tell her that it just wasn't safe for her to be home anymore. I vaguely recall telling her once that when (or if?) her situation changed, then maybe. No reply mattered. She kept asking.
(She once "threatened" to call my brother and ask him. Okay...go ahead.)
They break your heart. Sorry yours and your mom's hearts are breaking.
I know your heart is breaking. This is life, and there are times that we just cannot get around the heartbreak. I am so very sorry; my heart goes out to you. Embrace the pain, because there is nothing whatsoever you can do about it.