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I was thinking today about 'cultural norms' and how utterly ridiculous some of them are. My grandfather was from Italy. He wore a felt fedora hat every day for decades. If one of his children got a cut and was bleeding, his cure was to remove his hat, take a razor blade out of his pocket, and proceed to scrape some filthy felt off of the hat and INTO the bleeding wound on the child's skin. I wonder how many times the children had to seek real medical attention for their father's 'cultural cure all'.

Going against doctor's advice is never a recommendation, no matter WHAT culture a person is from. It's common sense, which seems to have left the house with some of these comments.
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I've been very fortunate with a similar situation. I had to take Guardianship of my mother after she gave away over $80000 to a scammer overseas that she thinks is in love with her. She was diagnosed with Frontal Lobe Dementia and Delusional Disorder. Even after taking Guardianship and shutting down all of her accounts, she managed to sell about 90% of the furniture in her house to send more money to the scammers. I finally had to go to court and relinquish my Guardianship to the County Department of Social Services. It was the smartest thing I have ever done. They quickly got her placed in Assisted Living (against her will obviously), and are now in the process of getting her house and car sold. I don't have to deal with any of it, just have to figure out how to calm her down in Assisted Living now. Hopefully this helps.
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I’m having similar issues with my mom in AL, she was very obstinate about leaving her home of 40 years to move to a facility. She was experiencing noticeable cognitive decline and doctors deemed her no longer should be living on her own. The big problem mom feels she’s good and you can’t convince her otherwise. Too lessen frustration for both of us I try not to argue with her about why she had to leave her home.
Now she’s in a facility where she’s being cared for, and her needs are being met for one expensive price. She’s acting rebellious. She lies and twists situations at the facility. At Christmas, mom came in talking about about being deprived of food for 2 days as punishment, although she’s gained several pounds since being in home. She pretty much demanded we get her out, or she was going to find a way out. I’m meeting this afternoon with the head caretaker to discuss mom’s situation, since they too are frustrated with mom’s rude behavior with staff and other residents.
As upset as I know my mother is with her new environment, she is in no way capable of living on her own. It’s hard to hear her complain about not being free to live her life as she thinks she can. The best I can do for her, is make sure she is in a good facility where she’s well looked after and safe. I am continuing to look for the right placement that will fit her needs and meets our budget, but until then she stays put.
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If she is falling with any regularity, she may be ineligible to stay in Assisted Living. In our state, every fall while in AL must be reported to the state and once a certain number is exceeded (say 6,) then the person is no longer eligible for assisted living.

I'd tell your mother that she is in the best place possible for her right now. That her health issues and needs exceed what you can provide at home, so that is no longer an option. Ever. Period. No debate possible. Also, tell her that if she doesn't get with the program in AL, the next step will be a nursing home and she will like that a whole lot less. Sounds like some tough love realism is overdue. And don't feel "guilty" about it. You were not born to provide long term slave labor for your parents.
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Make sure you are her POA and she'll have no choice but to do what you say. Don't feel guilty, she made her bed and you've been sleeping in it long enough (metaphorically speaking}. Leave her there and visit when you can but live your life or you'll be in her shoes in a few yrs. (no friends ect...} Not to worry. As grown children we can only do so much but we have lives to live also. I gave up 5 yrs. already for my family and now I'm starting to take my life back and I don't feel guilty. I FEEL FREE !!! I pray you make good decisions for all concerned.
God's blessing to you
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elaineSC Dec 2019
MissyPie, you are right on about everything except the use of the POA. She needs to check with doctors, etc about the patient’s ability to make decisions. If the person is lucid and rational, they can override that POA document. POAs are to be used when a person cannot handle things for themselves. If she had dementia, you are fine. Mom had dementia plus she lost her ability to walk. I had POA for her and I was allowed to make the decision along with doctor’s opinion.
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My husband has Alzheimers and is in LTC. Whenever I visit him he demands to come home. The nurse told me a couple of days ago he is very happy when I am not around. Remember when you took your child to nursery school and they cried when you left them? But then they were perfectly happy a short while later.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Yes, this is true. Any transitional time is an adjustment.
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Upstream,
First of all let me say I'm so sorry for all you have been through. But know that there are thousands more like you. My best friend's mom lived to be 101, and my friend was an adopted only child. While her mom did not have dementia until the last few years, she was known to say cutting, hurtful, and guilt producing comments. My friend used to jokingly say she was living that long just to spite her! We would laugh and knew, of course, that wasn't true. My friend's husband had died when they were in their early fifties. She raised two beautiful daughters by herself and took care of both parents. She took her mom to the beauty salon every week, to church on Sunday, made sure she went on outings from her assisted living facility, and frequently took her to dinner.
It was not easy. I didn't realize how much work it could be until my husband was diagnosed with dementia at age 76. I am 9 years younger. I sold our big family house and moved into a rental house. I soon realized that was not going to work and moved both of us into an assisted living facility in our neighborhood. That's when things started getting rough. My husband, a former doctor, started dressing inappropriately, rummaging in cabinets, trying to go out the door, getting aggressive, and needing someone to help dress and shower him. That first facility was beautiful and expensive. But the care we received was neglectful and abusive. The food was awful, and the management was totally insensitive. So we moved into another facility. We went from the frying pan to the fire. And my husband's behavior got worse. The doctors kept upping his meds for control, and he kept getting worse. Finally, I took him off the meds myself (gradually), and started giving him CBD drops. We moved to another beautiful facility because the care and food were so bad. We learned later that the second facility's director was fired for embezzling $8,000. The bookkeeper was doing drugs every day, and the maintenance guy is now in prison for raping a child. The third facility seemed promising. Beautiful landscaping, architecture, and lovely rooms with a fridge that had a icemaker, a real treat! But we soon learned how bad it could be. Pendants go answered for 40 minutes, or not at all. The food is awful, and many times cold. We have to wait in the dining room for 45 minutes to an hour routinely. Many of the staff are surly, don't show up for shower help, and are in hurry to get home. They are underpaid and under staffed. The management is totally insensitive. Many of the residents have complained, but nothing ever changes. I do not have dementia like almost everyone else here, so I see and hear and can report. The poor people who have been left here with no family to visit or anyone to be kind to them are unable to report things themselves. And if they do, the response is, "Oh, don't pay attention to them. They are crazy.

My point in this long story is this: Somewhere deep down, you love your mom, and she loves you. Dementia causes people to say and do things they would not normally do. And it can start even before the disease has been formally diagnosed. These facilities are all horrible. They give you a big marketing BS speel and tell you to "let your loved one get adjusted." Then, they can do whatever they want to with care. If you're not around, you don't know about it. Please go on the internet and search for AJC-Unproctected. It's a series of articles written by 2 reporters who investigated every facility in the state for a year. They have now created a data base that allows the public to search any facility in the state to see the violations they have had as well as other information.
Please, do not give up on your mom! She needs you. She may say hurtful things to you. She doesn't know what she's saying. Her comments about your dad confirm that. I know it's a terrible burden on you. But find it in your heart to visit her.
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Follow up from original poster: The Facility did wonders for my mom. Physical therapy, occupational therapy, you name it. So good, in fact, it gave her the confidence to move back into her home two months ago. I could not legally keep her from moving and I could not sell her house without her consent. It has become apparent in the last 48 hours now that she is drinking again and mis-managing her medications. My husband told me if she moved home and started drinking again, he will move out. I am keeping things to myself now and will hide her behavior to the best of my ability. I am an only child and my husband is my only family now (I don't consider my mom family anymore, just some kook that I am stuck with).
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Upstream, I forget. Do you have POA? If you do, I would resign it.

Have you called APS to report that mom is a vulnerable adult?
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Upstream Jul 2020
POA. I have no experience with APS. Is calling them advisable?
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Don't hide things, Upstream. When (and it's when, not if) they come to light, the concealment makes everything ten times worse.

Your mother has moved back into *her* home or *your* home? Why will her doing so cause your DH to move out?
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Upstream's mom lives 3 door down from her. The mom has moved back into her own home, but the proximity to Up's home means that when falls and accidents happen, mother calls Up and her DH.

Uupstream, I wrote this November 23, 2019. Still applies: Upstream, I've been away all day and am just getting to reply now.

You are not damaged goods. You are grieving. Your mother is an addict and if you keep propping her up, she will have no reason to change her behavior.

You need to go to Al-Anon. You need to detach from mom and call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. She is not going to get the right help if you keep bailing her out.

It's called detaching with love.
(((((Hugs))))))
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Countrymouse Jul 2020
Oh blimey. Thank you.
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Upstream, you DEFINITELY need not to keep this to yourself. Call APS to report each and every incident.

You're sure it's drinking and not a stroke or something, are you?
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Upstream Jul 2020
Yes she called me to bring her beer yesterday and I saw her returning from the convenience store about 7:15 AM (for years she has arrived there at 7 AM, when they open, to buy her wine). I will be keeping it from my husband. We have been happy with her out of our hair. I CANNOT go back to the life I was living. I told my mother I will flat-out walk away and abandon her if she starts this garbage again. It's been a decade and I want off the crazy train.
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Upstream. Are you telling me that your mother managed transport, removals and the termination of her contract with the ALF unassisted? If so, impressive.

Yes it is advisable to contact APS. It is also highly advisable not to conceal her behaviours, because you are merely delaying their becoming apparent to the point where they are so catastrophic you cannot conceal them.

You agree, do you, that your mother should not be living in her home?
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Upstream Jul 2020
Yes, She arranged the mover. I took her her checkbook and told her she had to arrange and pay for everything, sign her papers, etc. with the ALF. This way, when sh*t hits the fan, the paper trail shows she was "competent" (HAHA) to move back into her own home. I take no responsibility and I frankly do not care what happens to her. She is not the woman who raised me. She is a terrible kook (alcoholic) who is fine with dragging others down.
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Upstream WE are not entering withdrawal. Stop owning her problems.

Your parent, who has been deemed competent is entering withdrawal.

"What is your plan, mom?"

"That's interesting news"

I would not do a d@mn thing except call APS.

If she managed to move back home by herself, she can figure this out.
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Upstream Jul 2020
Yes, I've decided when she calls during her Klonopin withdrawl I will just change the subject. If she's freaking, I will tell her to call 911. If she goes to the hospital, I will refuse to pick her up. That is what I told her would happen when she made the decision to move back home.
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Upstream, that is the ONLY way to manage. We are here for you!
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Then DON'T "hide her behaviour to the best of your ability." Shine a light on it.
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CM; Upstream's husband has told her categorically that if her mother returns home and starts drinking again, he will leave. She is trying to conceal her mother's behavior from HIM not from APS or anyone else that I can tell.

Frankly, I think they should BOTH move house; it may be the only way to get away from an emotional vampire like this.
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Upstream Jul 2020
We have considered it. We would have to move at least a couple hours away to get away from her and that's not feasible, career-wise. We have A LOT invested in making our home be exactly what we want it to be, have loads of friends within 2 miles of us, etc. The only way to escape is to run away from all we have built from 25 years of marriage. We run a business together and it's locally based. Believe me, I fantasize about escaping from her but it's not realistic.
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If you don't want to/can't move, then I think you need to come clean to DH and tell him that you will no longer entertain any of your mother's antics.

Are you in contact with your mom's doctor (the sweet one who is prescribing her benzos?)

Send that person a bulleted letter (send return receipt requested) outlining your mother's addictions. Add the fact that you are no longer taking any responsibility for her actions.

Yes, she passed a dementia screening test. My mother passed them up until about 3 months before her death. Your mother's MEMORY is fine. Her reasoning skills are not. A neuropsych exam would probably show that, but good luck with anyone pressing for that.

Mom is competent and needs NO HELP. Just write that in large, friendly letters on your refrigerator and move on.
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Upstream Jul 2020
Yup, I am leaving her to her own devices. I have done all I can. She's been in a mental hospital multiple times, the docs know she's an alcoholic and that she mis-manages her Benzos. It's all over her files. Her car is all scratched up. The EMT's have been to our house so many times they just roll their eyes when they walk in. In fact, I don't even go down there anymore when the ambulance is called. I'm sure the neighbors think I am a real sh*t but I don't care anymore.
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Upstream, as I've said many times to many people on this board, as long as the hospitals, EMTs, social workers and doctors see that someone is "showing up" they won't step in.

Your mother needs help. She can't get it until you let her fail. You need to step waaaaay back.
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