This has been going on the last few times we have seen her. My mom with dementia has been in a memory care unit a few miles away from where we live for 6 months now. Prior to that she lived with us for 18 months. All she does when we visit is complain about everything and tell us how badly she is treated there (the facility is lovely, and the nurses are very pleasant, compassionate, and skilled). And then, out of the blue, she goes off on a tirade about how not to expect her to come to Thanksgiving OR Christmas this year and not to think we can make her. OKkkkkkk? She gets a bit weepy and juts her chin out as if to challenge us. This feel like her "martyr complex" rearing its ugly head (again) and is just a ploy for attention. I used to think she would be hurt if we did not have her join us, but now I'm wondering if she really and truly does not want to spend the holidays with all of the family (my husband, three grandsons with spouses and two young great-grandchildren). Has anyone else run into this? Very confused as to what to do.
My loved one changes her mind very quickly. One minute she is going to church, the next she doesn't recall it at all. I would never actually take her plans as what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants. So, I make those decisions for her, wording in a way that she thinks she made them. It works out fine. If we didn't do it that way, she would likely be frustrated and confused.
Depending on her progress, I would likely plan for a happy gathering and ensure that it happens. If she gets overwhelmed, it can be wrapped up quickly. Take pictures first so she will have pictures to remind of her of the happy occasion.
I would try not to read so much into your mom's words about the holidays. You seem to put as much stake into her comments as you would if she did not not suffer from brain damage. Try to stop thinking of her as manipulative and stubborn. Maybe that used to be true, but you have to let it go. The dementia is not allowing her to think clearly. I would try to put that into context. I would not take this as a calculated way to hurt me as I would if she told she was flying on a saucer to Disney Land. She's suffering from a brain that is not working properly. Our only option is to try to help her feel better and turn the thing around.
I might respond that the holidays would only be complete with her. (Even if it's not true.) And that she can come to the house or the family will come to her. You can actually pick the day and time to celebrate early if you wish. Tell her the important thing is to celebrate together and you have a wonderful gift awaiting. (Even if you don't. Get something that will make her happy.)
Depending on her progression, you might plan to just have the family meet at the facility to celebrate, eat, take gifts, etc. If she's well enough to leave the facility, then plan a schedule. Anticipate her needs in advance, so there is someone available to carry her back early if she gets too tired or anxious. Realize that she may only be able to tolerate 20 minutes of celebrating before becoming overwhelmed.
Two years ago, when my mom was still in Independent Living, she declared that she wasn't coming to my son's wedding: she was right, too, she had a stroke and was in the NH by then. I talked to mom's doctor who said " just drop it, say, that's fine mom, whatever you want to, we're happy with your decision".
Just an aside; we now bring the holiday to mom, at her facility. For several years, we'd been doing a second Thanksgiving, so what we do now is, Second Thanksgiving the Saturday after the traditional one, and Prehistory on the Sunday before the 25th. It makes it easier on mom to be in her familiar facility, where she can go back to her room if/when she gets overwhelmed. Her facility has a community room that they allow us to use.
Ignore it of you can, don't take the bait other than to let her know that if she doesn't want to join you, she doesn't have to. And then, when it's a few days before, remind her that you're sure hoping she'll join all of you, and you're going to make her favorite dish. And for Christmas, that there's gifts under the tree with her name on them.
Compassion is really easy until it isn't. This is one of those times that gives us the opportunity to earn angel wings. Good luck.