My mom was just diagnosed with 3 months to live and I don't know how to handle it without breaking down in front of her.

Jay, I'm sorry to learn of this sad diagnosis. Perhaps you can manage to view it another way, i.e., as spending quality time with her, easing her pain and anxiety, and being the best daughter you can when she needs you the most. And that last point is important - this is probably the time when she will rely on you more than at any other time.

I won't address the religious issue as I'm not religious. Perhaps your rabbi, priest or pastor can help you with this aspect.

As many years as I cared for my father before he passed, I still think of things I want to say to him. And I also wish I'd just set aside the time to just do the things we both enjoyed. Those times we did enjoy those activities are more precious than all the doctor appointments hospital visits, and all the medical activities.

Eventually I'll forget about the trauma and nuisance of the medical visits, but I'll remember when we planted morning glories along our back porch, and came out every morning to count the number of blooms. I'll remember how often we checked the pumpkins in our garden, anxious for the harvest so we could carve the pumpkins for Halloween. I'll remember when we went for walks at the local state parks. I'll remember the times we just sat and talked about life. And I'll remember the times when we worked on projects together and he explained how to use various woodworking tools.

Perhaps you can think of that as your mother proceeds on her final journey. What do you want her to remember you by, and what do you want to remember most of her? What do you want to share with her about your life together?

If you have to cry, make an excuse to go to the restroom and cry in private so that you can continue to be strong for her, and not concern her with your own grief. It might only make her sad that she'll be leaving you. Since you're religious, perhaps you can take pleasure that you're honoring her in her time of need.

Learn as much as you can about her illness(es) and act on her behalf with the care staff to ensure she receives a high quality of care.

Bring her favorite music and play it for her to help her relax; decorate her room with flowers, photos of the family, things to help calm and soothe her.

I wish you peace and solace on this challenging journey.

Jay, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I agree with GardenArtist that you don't want to spend all your time with your mother in a state of grief and sadness. But if I had a diagnosis of a short life expectancy I think I would be very hurt if everyone just bucks up and takes it in stride in front of me. Gee, isn't anybody broken up over this? Don't spend the next three months wringing your hands and using your limited time with your mother being miserable. But I don't think you have to totally hide your feelings.

GardenArtist has given you some good advice on focusing on what is pleasant and meaningful.

Jay, great, caring and comforting advice above.

Your profile says your mom had a stroke/heart issues. Is her life-limiting diagnosis based on those issues, or is something else going on?

Have mom's doctor's talked to her about her diagnosis? Is she willing to talk about palliative care or hospice? Those services can be of great comfort to both the patient and their loved ones.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain with your mom. Be gentle with yourself and let us know how things are going with your mom, and with you.

Jeanne, you made good points about acknowledging the situation. And Barb, you also raised an issue I missed - discussing the situation with his mother. Both of your suggestions are very insightful.

I know that a lot of people think that THEY are the ones who have to deliver "the bad news" to their loved ones. I'm hoping JayC doesn't think that it's his job, and that's he's distraught over the general discussion of EOL with his mom.

Doctors are the folks who should be doing this; they have the training and can answer the hard questions that inevitably arise during discussions of end of life issues.

      Jay, I am sorry that your mother has been given this diagnosis. I would definitely not look at the time as written in stone. I have known many people to live far beyond what the doctor predicted. You have been given some wonderful advice in the previous posts. Being strong for her means that you are honest about your feelings without burdening your mother with them and making sure that her days have as much meaning as possible and as much comfort as you can give her.
      With that said, I will address your references to God. My first thought was to let someone else do this, but I decided to respond in the hope that I could help.
      I can only speak from a Christian perspective. First of all, it is OK to be angry at God. He is big enough. He can take it. Rail away. Shake your fist if you want to. The God of the universe understands our human emotions and frailties.
      I am going to look at this through the eyes of your mother since you said “her God”. If she is a Christian, whether she followed Jesus all her life or just in the last few moments, she is looking at eternal life with God after death. We were never promised eternal life on earth, or for that matter, a life free from turmoil. We don’t serve God to be rewarded in this life or even the next, so God didn’t renege on a deal though your mother served Him all her life. She served God out of joy and gratitude for the forgiveness of sins, grace and mercy found in this life and eternal life to come. Her serving God was not a bargain, it was a natural response to being born of the Spirit.
      Again, through your mother’s eyes. She will be sad to leave you, she will worry about leaving you, she might be afraid of the physical act of dying, but rest assured that your mother’s eternal life with God began the moment she believed and put her trust in Jesus. 
     Be with your mother one day at a time. Take your eyes off the timetable. For today, comfort her, laugh with her, brush her hair, talk to her, pray with her, (or if you can’t, ask her to pray for you out loud if possible). For today, let her tell you stories of her past, or you can play “Remember when?”. Let her know by your actions and words that you are going to be OK - for today. For today, your mother is alive. I pray that these final days with her be a time of growing peace for you.

I'm so sorry to hear the news about your mother. I can understand why you feel the way you do. It seems so unfair when wonderful people are taken too soon. It's just heartbreaking. I can only hope that the doctors are wrong and you have your mom here for much longer and she is comfortable and not in any pain.

No one can truly predict tomorrow. But, if not, I hope you have family or friends to help you through this. Your mother certainly knows you are feeling the pain, so, I'm not sure that I would hide that from her. If her faith provides her comfort, then, I'd try to support her in that, even though you are so disappointed.

Do you have other family members or friends to help support you, as you support your mother through this time? Please post as to how things are going, if you feel like it.

Jay, I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this. You’ve received some wonderful advice already. My mom passed away after a horrible turn of rotten health events, it was the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed. She was a faithful Christian woman and I have certainly spent a lot of time wondering why she had such a hard road in the final years and sad death. Ultimately I just have to believe that God had a plan in it all that I’m not capable of understanding, I do know that many people were positively influenced by my mother’s last years, and awful as it was it did serve a purpose. I cried many a tear after leaving my mom’s side, but tried to make the time with her positive and enjoyable to us both. I told her a new joke every time I visited. She enjoyed a good laugh even through horrible circumstances. I held her hand, I took her outdoors to see flowers, I talked to her about everything and nothing. I hope you can find your way to not spend this valuable time not being angry, but focus on your mom and what will help you both. I wish you peace and blessing, it’s so hard, but I so want you to have memories of time well spent

I am sorry for your grief. I truly can identify and when this happened with my loving Mother and myself it was an amazing time. She said things to me only a dying person could know. A distant old friend arrived in a "wheelchair" for a visit (she came a long way to see my Mom) when all others thought she would come through yet another hard call by the Doctor's. My Mother left us with the most loving hospice nurse only 10 days later. Others had wished they had come to see her. You are so blessed to be so close to her, and she knows this I am certain. Waste not a moment - listen to her words, they will "pop-up" in situations later in your life. Be in the now, with her. Most important - tell her how much you love her and don't forget to say thank you. I screamed so loud as my Mom passed at home with me it echoed down the canal...but I shall never forget those last few weeks of listening to her stories. You are blessed, the chosen one here. TY for sharing this with us all...stay strong. God Bless.

I suggest you take photos of old times and go through them with her. I respect you for not wanting to break down in her presence, but will say I consider crying to not be a sign of weakness. God can handle your anger.

I will add a comment about my experience. I do not do so to suggest you should do or feel likewise, but just to share....My wife was profoundly handicapped from a massive stroke and in many ways from 2005 until she died in 2017. A month in to her illness I realized she would never get better....I felt lost. I asked God to give me a servant's heart. He did. Life was not easy for me; it was full of suffering for her. She was also full of joy at all times. I can't explain why. I look back upon those 12 years ass the most satisfying of my life.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Jay, I am sorry for what you are going through. There is so much wonderful advice here from other caregivers that I don't know how much more I can add. The best thing I did for my mom during the months before she passed on while she was bedridden in my home, was to just be there for her. I framed some old photos and put them on her dresser where she could see them, and I played the music she enjoyed daily. I made sure to let her know I was taking care of everything. The first time I was told, 13 years before she died, that my mom had 6 months to live. I don't always completely believe doctors because of this. Now that my dear mom is gone I feel that God needed her elsewhere and while I miss her very much, at least she is safe now from this uncaring World we live in today. I try to remember the advice and lessons she taught me. Please also remember to be good to yourself and take care. Even when you do little things for yourself they add up. I am wishing strength for you at this time.

On a practical level, if you feel that crying in front of her would upset her: you could write her a letter you might or might not read parts to her later, to get some of it on paper so you don't feel as overwhelmed. It will release some of it; trust the many who say this helps.
I also went to the grief section of my local library. Others are helped greatly by a caregiver's group.

But letting her know you're sad (and appreciate all she has done and meant to you) *is* appropriate.
Otherwise the stiff upper lip can be more depressing to both of you because it may not give her the freedom to acknowledge what is really happening.
When my mother was fading I remember reading a comforting book advising that it can help to say a sincere version of:

1.Thank you (I elaborated on things she'd provided and acknowledged struggles she'd had worked to overcome to give us what we needed, etc.)

2.I'm sorry (in my case that I was a difficult teenager or didn't stay in touch with you as often as I could have)

3.We'll be okay (grandchild, family situation she worried about etc.)

And then *much* later in the process something like
it's okay to go

Please give us an update and take care of yourself!

Jay....
If your Mom is not on Hospice I strongly suggest that you call a Hospice in your area.
Not only will they help your Mom they will help you and the rest of the family.
I, and every one on this site will agree that this is not an easy thing to go through, watching a loved one die.
All I can tell you from what I learned caring for my Husband is this. I developed an insight that I never had. There was a bond between us that seemed deeper than it was when he was well. (He had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I think he had Vascular Dementia as well) The fact that he was non verbal for probably the last 3 years of his life did not seem to matter to either of us, we communicated pretty well I think.
All you can do is do what we should all do every day.
Appreciate those around you.
Forgive quickly. And this also includes forgiving your self. (You make the best decisions you can at the time don't spend time with regrets)
Accept help when it is offered.  And do not hesitate to ask for help. (friends want to help they just don't know what to do so give them a task)
Give hugs, hold hands.
Learn to love life to the fullest.
When you go to bed at night and you put your head on the pillow and close your eyes if you can honestly say that you did the best that you could that day...that is all that anyone can do.

Prayer!!! That is the greatest gift you can give her at this difficult time.

Dear Jay,

When I got the results of my mom’s biopsy, when the doctor talked to us afterwards, when later he thought I hadn’t fully understood that my mom would go soon and felt the need to spell it out for me when we were alone, when I saw my mother go through horrible, horrifying things....I felt like walking on a cloud, a bad cloud though. Don’t know how else to describe it. It literally felt like I was walking, I was doing and I was moving but I was numb. Yet inside? hurt to death.

BUT there is a bottom that always seems to activate itself when a loved one is in need or danger, and it is called: Protection.

That, although I was falling apart inside, automatically prevailed. Protection. I wanted to make sure she’d be helped, loved, given..protected.

I never cried in front of my mom..but I cried a river every time I prayed, because I, as your mom, believe with all my heart in God and that He is my only source and light to go through life...and death. And I also believe He helped us so much, and keeps doing it. Because it’s been eight years since that horror and that diagnosis. Her doctor is still amazed!

So Jay, can you cry a river when you are alone? Please use your right to be human, a desperate son, a broken heart. BUT, like a mother and father would do with a sick child in need, be the protector of your mom. That means, don’t let her feel that you’re destroyed, show her courage, comforting smiles, and make her feel how strong and deep your love is and will always be for her.

If a tear or more escape in front of her, so be it. Maybe she’ll feel better consoling you as well..but like many have mentioned here, don’t let the time you’ve left with your mother be all sadness. You know it’s important to make everyday count! Now more than ever.

And find comfort in that although for you her life will end much too soon, maybe she is ok with that. She might be afraid of the moment, that moment of letting go of life as we know it or the process to get there, she will be broken hearted about leaving you, but she believes in a God that is Almighty, all love, all forgiveness...and she KNOWS all will be ok.

About being mad at God, who isn’t at some point in life? No matter a person’s religion, whatever divine entity they believe in, it feels like “it” has failed when we feel we’ve reached bottom and life is beyond unjust to us. He knows, he understands, really. He came to this earth as a man to understand our trials and how frail we are. And I know your mom and Him would hope you were able to ask Him to help you carry your sorrows and burden, I know if you tried, in solitude, talking to Him and telling Him you are mad! and why, and give yourself the chance to cry, to let go...I’m pretty sure dear Jay you’d feel a little..or a lot..relieved afterwards.

I don’t know what you believe in, but I know that in moments like this is when we need to hold on to something or someone that won’t disappoint us...And your mom spent her life believing and trusting -and entrusting you I’m sure- to a God from whom you could also seek consolation from!

I’m by no means trying to incline you to do or believe anything, but I just KNOW that if you did try to give Him your anger, He would give you in return some peace!

Like someone said, live one day at a time with your mother, which at the end of the day is really all each of us have in life: the day we are living.

Much love, strength and wisdom..and a hug!

There is some wonderful advice here that I'll keep in mind when the "inevitable" happens to my mother.

I have a question--how do we know the gender of the OP? One comment refers to "being the best daughter you can be" while others refer to the OP using masculine pronouns. Unless the OP specifically reveals this information in the request, do people simply guess based on the name the OP gives (which may or may not make gender obvious) or is there somewhere in the profile that gives this information? Or is it assumed that most OPs (and commenters) are female? I'm just curious as to whether I'm overlooking something!

Grandma1954, brilliant advice!

Jacobsonbob, the OP is male; you can click on his screenname and see his photo.

I can only imagine the blow news like this delivers especially right then and there. It hadn't occurred to me that your mom might not have received the news yet but I'm going to go with the premise that she is fully cognoscente of her diagnosis. First off the urge to scream at the universe (God, whatever) and bawl until there are no tears left seems perfectly natural to me and probably does to your mom too. Whatever her emotional reaction, you are still her child and a child hearing that he's loosing his mother. While I might put the screaming in check a little I wouldn't suppress the tears and or sobbing, whatever you feel, whatever comes while talking to her about it or just while with her. The comfort to let the tears flow in front of someone is a sign of trust and love, it's also why we are able to do that with a given person and who else if not your mom? She has seen it before, she wiped your butt and kissed away your boo boo's and disappointments this is just another time in your adult life that you need mom's comfort and as a mom I can say she will lovingly welcome. It makes this mom anyway feel like she has done something right over the years when my adult son opens up with me, especially when it comes to something like this.

When it comes to everyone's relationship with God, you are perfectly justified in your anger and no doubt your mom will understand that but don't be surprised or frustrated if her relationship with God grows stronger. Truth is she can be angry with God as well but still have her bond grow stronger. I'm sure you have been angry with your mom and she with you at times, very angry even but your bond, your love isn't minimized and might even grow stronger as you work your way through it. Similar thing. But we each have our own bond, beliefs and way of "worshiping" if you will be it a religion, a Higher Power or simply the bond amongst all living things in the universe. You have yours and your mom has hers, I'm sure you have discussed it over the years and the one thing I might encourage you to exercise caution or restraint on in particular at this time if your mom is that devout and or has been throughout her life your relationship with her God might be important to her. I don't mean go overboard pretending to believe something you don't or anything but try to think about it from her perspective, agree or not, fully understand or not and allow the room for her to be secure in the belief that she will be with God, attaining the ultimate state at rest when she passes and even looking forward to it. Give her the space for that piece of mind and recognise it doesn't mean she is any less sad about leaving you and her loved ones so when and if she talks about her beliefs, "her God" around you you can simply accept whatever she is saying and allow her to feel you are a part of it, accepting of it I mean. I may not be explaining this well but I know that for people who have a strong bond to God and many Christian based religions it is stressful to fear their loved ones wont meet them in heaven or be saved the same way because they "don't believe" or haven't accepted Jesus as their savior so allowing them to believe what they need to by not arguing the facts or resisting their beliefs is a gift that can be hard to understand but a huge gift just the same. The last thing you want is your mom leaving this earth consumed by fear and worry about you. At least I think that's the case, I also might be projecting...

Lastly I would like to suggest that after the initial shock and anger has subsided a bit that you think about this diagnosis, this news a bit differently. While it's important to remember as someone pointed out that it could be far more than the 3 months and of course it could be less no one actually knows for sure. That said in some ways having the doctor tell you she has 3 months is a blessing, it gives you the opportunity to create quality time to spend with her, do the things you have been wanting to but keep putting off like get the family stories on tape, have a family reunion make sure you get those photo's with all of the generations or Grandma with that newest grandchild. So often a loved one's passing takes us by surprise, even when they are elderly and we hear people expressing regrets about the things they didn't do or not having said "I love you" enough. While I'm not sure we ever feel we have covered everything with a loved one who passes there is a big difference between the comfort of knowing there was closure, knowing the person you love was at piece, felt loved, ready for the next life and realizing you hadn't seen them in too long and cut your last phone conversation short because you had a meeting or worse have to think about when you last made contact with them and thought you had years to catch up with them...regrets. The doctor has given you the opportunity to eliminate regrets and make sure your mom has the most peaceful, loving passing on her own terms you and the family can provide.

It's not going to be easy for any of you, no way around that but you have been given the gift of forewarning, the ability to create and be present for quality time with your mom at the end of her life (here on Earth) like the quality time you had with her at the beginning of your life (here on Earth), this time you need to share with the rest of your family though which adds bonus quality time and bonding of course. Positive energy to you and your family, don't forget to come back to this forum with any questions or venting, just the need for distraction or support even over the course of this, there are always people here willing and able to help, listen and commiserate.

Thanks, Garden Artist; in this case I could have checked it out, but I believe in a lot of cases one can't. I guess this also got by you when you made your first comment (which was an excellent one).

Lots of good thoughts and suggestions here. My heart goes out to you. Being strong may be being genuine with her about your feelings, which includes gratitude for the strength she taught you. Surround yourself with loved ones who can offer solace and compassion. Their strength can help fill the emptiness you now feel.

Just try to realize that you will never get over the pain of losing a loved one, but you will get used to having  the pain over time.

About ten years ago my mother was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer. She was only given a year to live but went very quickly and peacefully three weeks after being diagnosed. I had a megadose of talk therapy and counseling when I made the transition from living in that nice house I lived in to my own apartment, and I had a nice place there. I am not religious, but God helped me get through the ordeal

Please listen carefully to treeartist. Read and re read what treeartist wrote.
Thank you, treeartist.

Share the love AND TRUTH of G-d of Israel with her! Yeshua, Jesus came to release His Holy Spirit (Ruach hakodesh) to live IN HER by faith. Do this in love and respect. That is what I did for my mom. Shalom

Sharing grief is a good thing, Jaycruznj, not a bad thing. Crying with Mom is fine. And it's okay to be angry with God -- God can handle it and is used to it. But God has not abandoned her. Welcoming her to join Him is not abandonment. Life is always meant to be temporary. What would the point of our time on earth be if all went smoothly? What would we learn? That is the purpose of life -- to learn from the struggles we experience. Perhaps you are the one who really feels abandoned? That is how many of us feel when we lose a loved one. Talking to her and letting her talk are essential at this time. We are so bad in many cultures about open discussion of the key reality of life -- the end of life. You can let her know that you are angry because you will miss her terribly. That's okay.

Don't be angry at God. It is not his fault. Do you know your Bible? This is how God communicates with us. God is a God of Love. He does not want anyone of us to suffer. All of this is not his fault. I understand this is not a place where we tell what our religious beliefs are but I know much about the Bible and if you would like to talk privately about this, I would be happy to talk to anyone about what the Bible has to say about death or suffering.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I too just found out couple of weeks ago I only have about 6 months left with my Mom. My Mom is very introverted and does not want to talk about this. When I started breaking down in front of her she told me not too. I think that would have only hurt her more. So, I wait until I'm alone and break down or talk with close friends. I did ask her the other day if she was scared. She hesitated for quite a awhile then said no she wasn't, only sad that her time was so short. So, right now we are spending as much time as we can together, trying to find some things to laugh about (which isn't easy) . Do everything you can without hovering, to let your Mom know she is and always has been a special person, a good Mother, wife and daughter and that you will be OK when she leaves for her journey to heaven.

Starting off with a Great Big HUG to you and your mom.

My mom went into hospital over a month ago. I believed she would be returning home after her stay. One thing led to another, and another, and sadly she passed away during her stay. It happened all so fast and I was not fully prepared for that outcome. The emotions were overwhelming. I had the exact same feeling you do about being unable to hold it together, not knowing how to juggle my emotions, her emotions, doing the right thing, being strong, allowing myself to feel grief.....but in the moment, during hospital visits, I just did. It's amazing the strength we have within when put to the test. I'm sure other posters have given you much more useful suggestions here already. Thinking back to that time I found that there was really no right way of how to act. I went with the flow of the moment. I tried to remain upbeat but I would also shed a tear with her when she felt sad.
I put my focus on making her smile and that we would go thru whatever she was feeling together. If she was sad, we were sad together. Angry? Angry together. Happy? Laughing together. I did not want to discount or ignore any emotion she was feeling by only being strong. If we had a little cry together it seemed far easier to get back to smiling. I did however leave the room when I found myself truly breaking down. I did not want to to worry about me....bit I didn't hide my sadness. She found my comments about how "this sucks" to be quite funny. I think she felt validated and that eased her.
Somedays I would just give her a manicure and pedicure and we would just chat or say nothing at all. If I couldn't make a visit I made sure someone else did. At the end, which was harder than I thought, she felt safe and loved. She knew how much I would miss her but that I would be ok. My greatest memory of that time is her face lighting up with a huge grin whenever I walked in the room.

Give yourself a break too. Both of you are human. Feel what you need to feel, say what you need to say, express yourselves together with love.
It can be a comfort.
And....another Big HUG for you.
Let me know if you need any hugs down the road...

My Mom suffered from Dementia. Over 3 years that I was actually hands on Caregiver, she declined a little more every month. She also believed in Jesus and a better place. She passed last Sept at the age of 89. She outlived her siblings, a husband and a daughter. She was loved by many. Our friends became her kids. I felt she had a good life and never complained about what she didn't have. I look at her passing as a good thing. She is now whole and in the arms of Jesus.

3.5 yrs ago my hubster was told he was terminally ill; 7-10 yrs. I have longer with him. I found a small caregivers support group through county social services; I join them monthly. My local medical center has grief counselors. Even when the going gets tough, I enjoy all time with him. PLEASE take care of yourself!!