My mom was just diagnosed with 3 months to live and I don't know how to handle it without breaking down in front of her.

Jay, sending you a virtual hug during this heartbreaking time. Everyone ‘s journey is different but I would encourage you as others have mentioned to think of this as a period of renewed awareness that your time together is finite and not focus on it being a death sentence. Here’s our story. Following a hospitalization, the skilled nursing practitioners declared that my 87 year old mother would never again be able to live in her assisted living apartment but would rather require skilled nursing care the remainder of her life. A day or two later the hospice nurse declared that Mom had one - maybe two - weeks to live. Through just short of threats, we got Mom back in her apartment where she is under palliative care. This means she still gets Meds and is seen by hospice nurse but will never go to the hospital again should a serious situation arise — she has a DNR on file. It’s now been 14 months since the “experts” declared her soon to be dead. Two months ago we took a 400 mile road trip to visit her great grandchildren and yesterday she was on a field trip to a local winery, to give you an idea of how far off the estimate was. Again, everyone’s situation is different and I don’t know your Mother’s medical diagnosis. However, I believe at this point that the body gives up after the spirit does so I continue to do whatever I can to help Mom feel normal and involved and engaged in life and everytime I see her laugh I’m convinced she just got another shot of the best medicine ever. Not trying to be all Pollyanna-like; it’s been really, really hard after hearing the initial diagnosis which sort of catapults one into the mourning process before your loved one’s even gone, and I’ve had many moments when I’ve needed to turn away to hide my anquish. On bad days, I have to fight the feeling of being on a death watch and try not to feel guilty if I can’t be with her everyday. I’ve come to accept that we’ll have as many good moments together as possible and that when her time is done and she is ready, then she will go, whether or not I’m there holding her hand at that particular moment. So the three months stated for your mother may or may not be accurate. I’d have to agree and gently encourage you to embrace her devotion to God during this time as a way to smooth the transition for both of you. My Mom is exhibiting a renewed interest in reading the Bible and listening to spiritual CD’s and it seems to bring her peace. She also talks more frequently about dreaming of loved ones who’ve passed on, which also appears to bring her joy rather than fear. As others have said here, her relationship with God will go with her on this last journey on Earth and He will not forsake her. Ask Him also for the strength you need to cope with the imminent loss of your beloved mother and the courage to express your feelings. Pray together with her and feel the warmth of the Holy Spirit encompass both of you, and you’ll then understand that he hasn’t abandoned you either.

I apologize that this is so long. This is the first time I’ve posted on this sight although it’s frequently been a source of support for me Just reading what others have experienced. Guess I had a lot to say bottled up, with four main points.
1) it ain’t over ‘til it’s over no matter what anyone predicts.
2) it’s horrible to be given a timeframe in advance, like a ticking timebomb, and your difficulty dealing with that is completely normal.
3) disregard the death sentence and experience the moments you have with your mom in the here and now and to the extent possible find
something new to do, say, or laugh about. Let the focus be on remaining life rather than the impending death.
4) your Mom’s faith will carry her through this journey and can help you manage your loss too. My heart goes out to you and hope you can turn the anger into gratitude for a life well lived and appreciation that she’ll go with God in peace when it’s her time.

So much good advice and support on this Forum. SunnyGirl, your comments were especially important. Going through this alone without friends and family would be the worst.

One last comment, Jay, be sure to take care of yourself and try to find happy moments in your own life everyday, too. Easier said than done, but peace and acceptance will eventually come. Your mom is fortunate to have such a caring son.

I am so sorry that you or anyone must go thru this process of life. It breaks my heart when I hear this. I too, recently went through the loss of both my parents three weeks apart. I moved in with them and I spent every minute of their waking hours by their side. we talked of old times, good times and bad. we laughed, cried and loved each other till the very end. when the end was near I held each one of them in my arms and told them how much I loved them. they took their very last breath in my arms.
was it hard, you bet it was, but i found comfort in knowing both my parents
knew how much they were loved and how lucky I was to have them as my parents.
stay strong, give love and show love,and be thankful you were lucky enough to have this time with them before god opens his arms to them.

I’m so very sorry that you have so little time left with your mom. As a while ago, my mom was given a 3week life expectancy, facing end of life with someone as dear as a mother, is a heart wrenching experience. My advice to you is to first reach out to grief counselors or hospice workers. They are so valuable in helping you go through this. Also,try to spend as much time as possible with her and share good memories, hard as it may be, while you can. My mother passed in one week from her diagnosis. When she knew her time was limited, we spoke of so man things. Let her know that it is okay for her to leave you, give her a reason to pass without guilt of leaving you behind. Reminiscing can comfort both you and your mother as she prepares to cross over. As you said, she was a woman of faith. As she approaches the end of her life, respect her beliefs and her faith. All of us will reach a time when we have to leave this life. Life isn’t fair, no matter how long we have had our mothers, we always want them to be with us longer. To this day, I still miss my mother tremendously! Facing letting go of our mothers is devastating and your hurt must be so painful. Reach out to other family if there are others who you can lean on for support. Friends can also be a great physiological help. If she is able to express what her wishes are for when she passes, have her share them with you. When the time comes, you will feel comfort in fulfilling her final wishes. Whether you believe or not, your mothers love will be your comfort and her spirit will follow you long after she passes. Good luck

Hello Jay, I'm so sorry. My sister and I found out my dad had stage 4 pancreas cancer he only lasted 23 days from the time he went into the emergency room with stomach pain until the day he left us. This was the hardest thing we had to go thru. He passed away February 15, 2018 I stayed home for a few days and cried until I couldn't cry any more, then I went to visit him, it was so hard to stay strong and not let my emotions come out while I sat next to him. All I could think of was he will never go outside again, will never drive again and so on but mostly I thought what he must be thinking knowing he is dying and there is nothing any of us could do. I felt so bad for him, so helpless, so as I sat next to him trying my best to be so strong I put cowboy movies on and just held his hand and talked about the family. When you feel sad and think you will break down, say I have to go to bathroom or I need to get a drink then go somewhere and cry get it out wash your face then go back, it will be the hardest thing you will do but I never let my dad see me sad or cry. I didn't want him to see me sad or crying because I knew he was going thru a lot knowing he was going to pass away. I wish you the best and prey your mom won't be in any pain thru this hard time for you and your loved ones. We had my dad cremated and I have him for six months and my sister has him for six and that helps me to deal with him being gone, I can talk to him when I need to, and I'm going to have some of his ashes put into this very pretty glass with different colors. I wish you and your loved ones the best, as just reading your post made me break down and cry and I don't even know you all, guess I'm emotional for knowing what your going to go thru. 

#1 Cry with her, and let her know that you will be there every step of the way. Isolation is your mother's worse fear. #2 Guarantee her you will doing everything in your power, to keep her safe and comfortable. Pain and suffering add to feelings of fear and helplessness. Just be yourself. That's what your mother needs the most.

Jay I am so sorry! My heart goes out to you. My MIL was also recently given 3 months to live and the news hit us all like a ton a bricks. We thought we had more time with her. We didn’t realize how sick she really is (she is a strong, stoic woman. I think she did her best to hide it from us but after the lung transplant was denied, she stopped hiding it). For the first few weeks, I cried and cried. As soon as my husband went to work and I was alone in a quiet house, grief hit me hard. I couldn’t talk to him, he’s dealing with his own emotions and processing this in his own way. I didn’t feel right leaning on him for support. So for weeks I struggled to keep it together. This is a woman who until recently was happy and fully of life, she is the one that keeps us all together. I have few living family members and none live locally. So all I have are my in laws and my MIL is the backbone of the family. Without her, there is no family. Devastation doesn’t begin to describe what I And the rest of the family are feeling. When we would go to her house, I struggled to keep my composure. I didn’t want to show emotion in front of her, I don’t think she wants us to be sad right now. What helped me to finally process the situation and come to a place of peace is talking about it with friends. Letting it all out. I also found this forum and another one and both have helped. I urge to find someone, a friend or relative, to talk to. It’s not healthy to keep everything inside. It’s ok to scream and cry and be mad at the situation. You don’t have to be strong every minute of the day and crying & showing emotion is not a sign of weakness. Look to your mom, look for signs, if she wants to talk, talk about it with her. Follow her leads if you can. Again i am so very sorry ❤️

I wonder if there is a negative effect on dying people when family members try to conceal their grief. Is there any possibility the dying people get the impression their family members won't really miss them and aren't upset by their impending demise? Should the best approach be somewhere in between being "stoic" and breaking down in tears?

Jay- I am sorry for your situation.

I agree with all that Treeartist said,


EXCEPT although God is strong enough to withstand your anger. I would think again before laying blame at HIS feet. Jonah got mad at God and that didn't work out too well for him.