Mom is 94 and has a bad hip, copd, and now dental issues. She lost my Dad three years ago, her 13 year old dog passed away within months also. She was living alone until last fall when my sister and I convinced her to move to a senior apartment within five minutes of us. It’s a wonderful place with activities and caring residents. I’ve tried to get her to interact with the other residents, but she doesn’t hear well so shuts down. She is older than most others there, but insists that she can take care of herself and doesn’t want assisted living. She has been getting along okay except for her overwhelming unhappiness. She wants her old life back. Every visit or phone call always ends up with a laundry list of everything she has given up. Her health is failing and she’s becoming frail, so needs more help than she’s willing to get. She is angry and resentful over the smallest things we do to help her. Any offer of help is met with objections and a fight. When we moved her near us, I envisioned taking care of her. Getting her groceries, taking her places, having lunch or dinner together, or just doing my best to take care of her. She has fought us all the way, never saying thank you for anything we do. My sister and I are doing everything we can to help her enjoy herself. I totally see how difficult it is for her to let go of the past, but it is killing part of me too. Her depression is becoming my depression. I took her to my doctor, but the doctor didn’t say anything other than it’s perfectly normal to grieve the loss of your independence. I can’t just stop visiting her, she’s been my best friend my whole life. I want to help her, but don’t know how. Sorry this is so long, any advice?
You, however, may benefit from a few sessions with a talk therapist, and possibly even a medication. Have you ever suffered from depression before? Even if this is "just the blues" and not clinical depression, talking about it with a trained third party can be very supportive.
Your mother has been your best friend your whole life. But she is no longer the mother you know and love. She is not quite herself. And, given her age, she will eventually leave you completely. I think you may be experiencing some anticipatory grief. Nothing "crazy" about that, but you deserve whatever support you can arrange. Another possible source of support is a caregiver support group. And this site!
(BTW I am not qualified in any way to give medical or psychiatric advice, in person or at a distance! I'm just sharing my opinion based on experience.)
We don't have the power to make our parents young or healthy or bring back their loved ones who have passed. We can be there for them in the best way we can, but it's their choice whether to be happy or not. Like others have said, acknowledge her unhappiness and then redirect her. If that doesn't work, cut the visit short. And get some counseling if it's still depressing you too much. Your mom is safe and much loved and cared for and that's pretty good compared to a lot of seniors.
I learned with my mom that there is nothing you can do to change how they feel. My mom was always negative and paranoid. As I’ve aged, I’ve come to understand a little about how she feels. It’s not fun to get old. I guess some people take it out on whoever is closest. Mom did. She didn’t really blame me, but vented to me every time I talked to her. As her dementia increased, her venting got worse only now it was about impossible happenings. I didn’t try to make her happy other than bringing her candy and snacks, pictures of her great grandson (she had no idea who they were but liked the photos anyway) I did what I could. It had to be enough.
Mom-"I can't get around like I used to."
You-"I've noticed that. It must frustrate you."
Then let her vent for a few sentences. Nip it with "That's why sis and I wanted you closer to us so we can help you. Fortunately there are others here who can help you too. That makes us feel so much better. We love you."
By letting her know that you hear what she's saying and sympathize with her, she'll feel more comfortable. But stopping the whine and pointing out the positives hopefully will put her on a more positive (and thankful) track.
Maybe she's in pain also. That gives anybody a grumpy and complaining attitude. Has a doctor assessed her for pain?
"Why, I don't need the doctor right now". Then, a few minutes later says" I think Im out of medicine." When I offer to call in for refills....etc. she refuses.
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