Mom has been in a very nice memory care facility just over a year, in Texas. I am the only caregiver, and I live with my family in Maryland. She was adamant about not moving up here; I cannot move down there. Even if living with me was an option, her care requires 24 hour professionals now, which I obviously cannot give. She is pretty mobile still, but her anger, which she has always had, is now "unleashed" with her advanced dementia. She has been on a number of medications, mood stabilizers, anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, none of which have a lasting effect (Risperdole previously and Depakote now). She spent 2 weeks last month in a psychiatric/senior behavior unit to see what they could do with her, which is why she is now on Depakote (she also had a dementia-related seizure while there - Depakote is a mood stabilizer and anti-seizure med)
Staff is concerned for the safety of the other residents at this point. I have no idea what kind of facility would take her, and if I have to move here, I don't want to do it again! She also has a dnr, and is currently admitted to Hospice/Palliative Care, because her quality of life is diminishing so quickly.
What kind of facility can I move her to without fear of her having to move again? She's not quite ready for the immobile life of a skilled nursing home. (this is the worst part of Alzheimers - the mind is gone, but the feet and fists still work). My dad was caring for her until his stroke last year, which is when I had to move her into the facility. Dad died in October. I have a brother, also living in a nursing home with brain damage in Texas. I am all mom has left. No other relatives to help.
I can appreciate perserverancs' perspective but she doesn't walk in your shoes. My mom is adamant that she wants to go to a care facility in her hometown if forced, but I prefer her to be near me. At this point, that will require a medical transport at considerable expense. I will do it for my convenience not because it is what she wants. Then what happens when you relocate a loved one and your job gets transferred another state? Or you decide to move near your children and grandchildren...
I say put yourself and your family first. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for your choices.
Sswaim – Considering all the practical concerns and your mom's current status, I think I'd leave her in Texas, too. With her behavior issues, it sounds like a skilled nursing facility is the best place. Don't worry about the sedentary lifestyle of the nursing home. The 'feisty' residents find each other and it will be the best thing for her to be in a place where behaviors like hers are something that's commonly dealt with, not cause for being kicked out. She just might make some real friends there, where she won't be the thought of as a cantankerous outcast.
I feel for you trying to manage all this on your own and at a distance. Remember to find something to laugh about every day.
I don't quite understand how she can be admitted to palliative care but not ready for a nursing home, but anyway, given that she must stay in Texas, the task is to hunt high & low for a suitable facility - whatever type or category it may be. Have a frank discussion with them about her needs (they will have heard it all before), including the part about this needing to be the last move, and then make the best choice you can given the circumstances. Good luck.
Your Mom could be medicated and you can travel with her on the plane. People do this all the time. I think what I am hearing is that you don't want to really be bothered on a day to day basis with your mom's growing needs.
A bit about me: I am the youngest sibling in my family and the one in the vicinity to care for my Mom. Other siblings, even if they call and visit are NOT caretakers for my Mom - how can you really be living in another state? It is a different ball game having your parent near you when you care for them.. Your mom needs you and you've left here in the care of strangers... Sorry, but it is true.
You sound like you a have much on your plate between your brother and your mom. Perhaps both can be moved to Maryland?