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Ba8 it's okay. I am fine now :)
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My MIL was always haveing clothes and stuffed animals disappear while she was in rehab, even though FIL did her laundry. I think some of went with her sheets to the laundry. However, she also accused all the black/foreign staff of stealing things, like her free shampoo, etc. Like who whould take the free stuff? It;s crap. I know.. I work in a hospital! My mom, while in rehab had no problems. Different places... So they may be stealing her stuff. or she may just think they are. They come up with very creative hiding places... Don;t hate us, we really are trying to help
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my story remains unchanged . sometimes lowlife employees steal , sometimes elders do strange things with their stuff . we learn at a pretty young age tho that false accusations are really embarrassing for all parties . my aunt likes to give people things so whatever i take to her i can count on it disappearing quickly -- but its for her enjoyment and giving is what she enjoys ..
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I don't hate you guys. I really do appreciate the comments. I know everyone has different experiences and I know that it is unpredictable what people with dementia will do. It is such a stressful and heart breaking thing to go through which you all know. We decided to ask for a refund on her trust account so she can't access the money herself. I will have to give her money when she needs it. It makes me mad that she can't leave money in her room without it disappearing,but I guess that's how it is for now. I will just have to hear her cry and whine about not having any money because she can't hold on to the reasoning for our decisions.
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My dad hit money inside his pillow case so no one could steal it But they did. "They stole my money!" All was fine until one night he had an accident in his bed and when they removed the money they pulled off the pillow case without him thinking to say anything. Later, he realized his money was gone and didn't connect the two. "They stole my money".... I suspected that hadn't happened and told him "its got to be here someplace. lets look". We "looked" and "looked" until he got tired of looking and started talking about something else. Little while later they brought back his linen and handed him a pile of ones and fives. "This was in your pillowcase, Jim. Now you have laundered money". oops.

Since then, someone took valuable rings out of the room next to his. The staff acknowledged and called the police and even told me about it so that I had the ability to take any valuables out of his room (there were none except the small amount of money I was ready to lose if it happened). The facility did their investigation and one of their new employees was questionable so they began asking her for specific detail on her visits. She quit. There hasn't been an issue since.
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There is no way to tell if the money was really stolen, or hidden somewhere by your mother in a moment of anxiety. Every time my Mom had money missing we always searched, and always found it. I think the first assumption should be "misplaced" and not "stolen". Agreeing with the "stolen" assumption and calling the police would seem to me to only validate and encourage a dementia patient's paranoia and fear of being surrounded by evil doers. It could be your mom wants her $50 cash a week. Since she is now forbidden from getting it out of the bank on her own, she is hoarding it so she can purchase shampoo without first getting clearance from the trust. Did you scold her for getting the money out before she even posed that it was stolen?
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Put a nanny cam in your moms room, see what happens when shes not there.
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My mom is living in an AL facility for 2 months now & is having a hard time adjusting. My mom is now blind & we know that adds to her anxiety. She complains to my brother, who lives nearby & has been doing so much for her. She even complains to me during our long-distance phone calls. She has not been diagnosed with dementia, but after reading the above comments, I think she may be headed that way. She constantly complains that the staff come in when she's not there or when she's sleeping & adjusts her air conditioner. She also says that they have helped themselves to her coffee; she has a small Keurig. My brother has asked several times for a psych evaluation; even before when she was in rehab. Mom said she met with the psychologist last week & told him what he wanted to hear because "he's not fooling me, I still know what's going on; I'm not senile." My brother asked to meet with him next week. He wants to see both my mom & my brother.
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In my aunt's case, both were true. She did actually have money missing, but we think that a lady she hired to 'tidy up' the room took advantage and asked her for more money than she was supposed to get. The staff also admitted that a teen who visited another room was prowling around and may have stolen her social security card. On the other hand, she would give us a little money for taking her places and then would forget that she had done it. We tried a locked box, but then she would get upset and forget where the key was or think that her account had been wiped out.
It got even uglier - we were the only ones nearby and had to get her things like underwear, toiletries, and would buy her little snacks that she liked. She had another friend who would also do similar things. Her family, living across the country conveyed to the director that we were 'taking advantage of her' by getting money for things that they felt like she didn't need ( like underwear?) so her funeral was a very dicey situation. I had to deal with a terribly rude and angry administrator. No one spoke to each other at the funeral. We were caught in the middle.
YOU will have to look after her money, and if she only feels secure with some money in her room, give her just ten dollars. Money is not safe in a nursing home ,and not safe with someone who cannot remember from day to day.
Even if the staff IS stealing, most families and residents are afraid to bring it up for fear of retaliation.
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It happens, even in the best of facilities. But it isn't always theft. I talked to a nursing home administrator, and there was hoopla about theft, and goods were found in strange drawers, under beds, in other residents rooms. They have a name for residents who appropriate other residents things: "shoppers". So you see it is common. Someone once went to a local TV news channel and they did a report. Turns out the item was stolen by a resident's family member. It was a necklace, and the family member thought Granny wouldn't miss it.
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I am thinking Sweetpeas knows her mom better than anyone of us and knows what she is capable of doing... thus the suspicion with the caregivers. Give this woman a break. She honestly thinks the money was stolen. She took the right path. Now she needs to not allow money to be present. My mom has home/health aides in a senior living apartment. There was $10 missing from her laundry money this week. If I want the aides to do the laundry, I have to leave some money but not as much as I had in the kitty. I am learning.
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I am getting to the point where I also forget where I stashed stuff, and I am the care giver. In my head I go to "some one took it". (Embarrassing confession) Then a day later I find it. And I am the care giver. I chalk it up to being overloaded. Thank goodness I don't say out loud what I first think.

If you really want to know what goes on, put one of those nanny cams in your mom's room. They have ones that can be viewed on your phone. That may give you peace of mind. It gets confusing when part of the time you hear don't disregard what your parent (or child) is telling you, and they are demented, do trust what they say. I am one of those seeing is believing people.

I also wonder if there is a way to set it up so you can pay mom's bill once a week for example.
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My mother has moderate dementia. She complains the housekeeper stole her "good clothes", her coffee pot and "some other things". She heard someone had something stolen and she won't let it go because of the dementia. They don't remember what they did five minutes ago, think people are stealing, and see everything in an odd way. We just shake our heads and say "uh huh" and don't argue or pursue it further.
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My mom has been in AL for 5 yrs. When they listen to another resident saying their stuff was stolen, then others believe it happens to them also. My mom hides everything now, I spend hrs looking for stuff. She fell recently and 1st day in rehab after hospital, she claimed someonne took the cookies I brought her! I told her I did not leave any cookies. I am clearing out her apt in AL while she is gone to eliminate lots of stuff, have finally found the missing scissors(found my accident in the bottom of a wipes container that did not contain wipes, but seterile gauze pkgs.
been looking these for months. she even claims people come in a steal stuff, then when she finds it days or weeks later claims they brought the stuff back!! she mainly has short term memory loss--hate to see when it gets worse
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What about a debit card or a gift card? No cash to hide or lose, (or be stolen) plus there'd be a record of all purchases. Elders do forget, etc., there are those who prey on them as well. I know of one case, where the worker confessed. Dementia is the perfect alibi for a theif.
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You are right on "dementia is the perfect alibi for a thief" and that is what is happening. Someone in this facility is guilty I am sure of it. We have not found the money yet. I just can't believe how almost everyone on this question are patronizing me for what I think is the problem. I didn't write it so everyone could say you are wrong and we are right. I know that people with dementia get paranoid about things and that they stash money away absentmindedly. I am aware of what dementia does to a person. My mother has it remember! She has had it for 5 years now and is getting worse all the time.
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Pullupyourpants had a good suggestion to use a debit card. She does have one and yesterday I found a security box for us to to put it in with other valuables. I found it at a yard sale for $5. Now I just need to get a few extra keys made and she can use it.
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Sweetpeas, I'm glad that you've found a lockbox! Have the police investigated and we're you able to find out if there have been other complaints? Most facilities have family council meetings each month or so, you should voice your concerns there and see if there have been other reports of theft. You could also contact the ombudsman if you feel the facility isn't taking your complaint seriously enough.
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I actually "lost" my fathers American express with a $15,000 limit (its safely in his financial files) and it replaced it for him with one with his name on it. it is really off my am ex.. a 2nd name..i set his limit at $100 and get alerted when it goes over. so far, its never gone over. having one makes him feel very much in control and he wants to "pay" when I take him to get dinner. then after he pays and I turn on the computer, I get an alert that it has been used. he takes very good care of remembering it because he knows that its all hes got to keep up with and its control for him. but in a supervised manner that he is unaware of. I also bought him a money clip and gave him 20... he folds the 20 over the card and makes sure he has it in his pocket at all times. the girl who gets him up pulls it out and hands it to him after she helps him get his compression socks on.

he forgets constantly where he keeps his hearing aid batteries and pens, but he knows where the American express is!
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DaughterLinda, what a clever thing to do. And sooo respectful of dad. You rock!
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That's a good idea daughterlinda. She does get upset that she doesn't have control of her money and that makes me feel bad. I don't know how I would keep track of her balance. What if she tries to use it and there isn't enough money on her card? How do you keep track? Do you check it on the computer and then tell him how much money he has less? We used his her lock box today and I put in her debit card, and some other things, made two extra keys. I hope she doesn't open it and take the stuff out.
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Ba8lou I haven't done anything else as far as checking for other complaints. I probably will, but right now I am just trying to take care of her. She has two doctor appts. coming up, and this morning she called me and said she had lost her bottom denture. Well, I was over there last night until 8:00 p.m. so I figured it hadn't gone too 12 hours later. I went over there and we searched everywhere and I finally found it in a glass of water in her cabinet! I think I am going to start calling her before she goes to bed every night and make sure she has put her dentures in her case. I was so afraid she had thrown it out in the trash which she has already done once by wrapping it in a napkin. The staff picks up the trash quite frequently so I was a little worried. Thank God we found it. We ended up missing church but it was worth it to find it. It amazes me how things can get lost so much in such a small place :(
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Sweatpeas, you just get online banking and check it on the computer, as you said. Plus you can transfer money from your account, to your mother's as needed online or with a phone call, where you can do the same.
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The Al could set up a PNA account which is a personal needs account and if your mother is spending the money at the AL for example getting her nail or hair done they would subtract that money from that account . Is she going out with people or staff from the AL?
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Sweatpeas, actually what I do is set Dad's limit at high enough so that he wont go over it, but low enough so that if he lost it, the damage is limited and I can cancel it very easily, because its really my account -- he just has another card in his name--and I pay it. He doesn't go out with anyone but me, or with the ALF if they have an outing, but that would not be something I was not aware of. I don't have to transfer money; I don't have to check the account everyday because they send any alert to my email box (since its my account and I set it up to alert me when used). I give him about 20-30 and yes, he's lost it but hey, its only 20-30. a lot, but worth his self esteem. Once it was 28 and it did get stolen (probably) but I chalk that up to the universe. My father can now keep track of his wallet (I took a copy of his drivers license and all non-critical ID cards and laminated them; he cant tell the difference) he is very proud of having money and a wallet. it has been such a long year, but I have been understudying him and have become his cheerleader. Usually if its important to him, I can find a symbol that represents it. He is still in charge (except when hes not). it is a real fine line. And it pays to be able to trust those that surround him. At least mostly.
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--oops. ps...the above 20-30 references $20-$30 in addition to the credit card. he really feels vulnerable without any cash money.
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Sometimes she goes out with a group of other people in the AL like a field trip to a restaurant or a store, or play. I give her cash for that and it has been okay.
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Sweetpeas:

My mother has Alzheimer's, and she would carry her purse around with her 24/7 and leave nothing in her room. We never gave her money put 3 or 4 dollars. She loses that all the time,and states that someone stole it.

For some people with alzheimer's and Dementia, it is a common thing that they go through and I am not sure of the chemical reasons why, they become extremely paranoid.

I know that having a loved one with Dementia is very stressful, and I am not saying to not believe your mother, I really don't want to minimize the issue, but my mother has lost so many things, and states that they are stolen, and she has been where she is for two years, that it just takes time to work things out with your loved one.

I don't know of any patients that get that much money. Typically it is locked and recorded in a safe deposit for the time that they do go tot he store.

I wish you the best, and remember everyone here is just doing there best, just as you are.

Have a great night, and day.

D.
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Well it may be that someone is actually stealing her money. My mom recently had jewelry stolen from her room at her facility. We pursued it and the housekeeper was arrested however the jewelry ended up in a pwn shop and we have to pay to get it back. There's a real problem with Florida law.
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There is stealing in many assisted living facilities. It's easy to blame the patient who has dementia. Well my mother does not suffer from any dementia and someone is repeatedly stealing from her. It's a shame I cant place a camera in her room. Assisted living facilities are truly a great place for a thief.
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