Won't listen to me, screams and rants while I try to speak to her. Help! Mom has been in the hospital for a month, came home 3 days ago . mom is a hoarder with a filthy home i had to live in for the month she was hospitalized. i have never been able to understand this behavior, how she can live in this awful place, it was not like this when i was growing up. i did not realize the extant of the problem until i began to clean it up and trying to make it livable and safe for her. i now know how big of mistake this was until 3 days ago. when she walked into the house the screaming,ranting and accusations began and have not stopped for a minute i soon realized had made a gigantic mistake in trying to clean or alter the muck and mess in any way. why i did not see the blatant problems this would cause is beyond me. they problems are so obvious. i took control of her house without her permission and changed things or as she puts it "destroyed her home" this was not my intention. i thought i was helping her by trying to clean and organize the place.i have sincerely apologized for my mistakes and i have been trying to have a conversation with her and it has proved to be utterly impossible.she will not engage in any .civil discussion with me about any subject. it is if i am invisible. . she is refusing any type of help, saying she does not need it and does not want strangers in the house. her language towards me is painful and abusive I am exhausted. any suggestions ? i can;t get through to her --neither can anyone else.
A huge key to this is that it was not like this when you were growing up and when your mom was more able.
My dad had gotten a medical alert system when mom had passed away but he had not used it when he wound up in the hospital but he was found by somebody he had living there, so I'm saying even though he had that they hospital still got that involved so if they thought she was that bad I believe they would so if not, agree with jean, you may just have to leave, with first, hopefully, being able to put some of those things in place - between the time mom first passed and dad got the medical alert and his hospital stay where they did get all this involved he did have an incident of his own where he fell and was found to have fractured his neck and put in a neck brace, where after a time of being in it but not yet time to be out of it, he'd had enough of me and told me to get out so after making some notifications; didn't have to quite go to the point of APS; don't remember if she has other family around; thankfully, we did; or anybody else you could let know that you're leaving - but anyway I left and left him with it and everything was as fine as could be - for a while, till the next emergency. He wasn't ready then but the next one he was.
I would take this woman to a neurologist visit to understand if there is cognitive decline and a geriatric psychiatrist to weigh in on any underlying OCD that has caused the hoarding. There may be medication to help tone it down. Mental disorders do not get better with dementia, and can accelerate certain dementia behaviors (like paranoia and combativeness). I say this because my mother is a hoarder with bi-polar & OCD long before her dementia set in.
A social worker is going to be a huge help in creating a plan for her care.
I got by with a durable power of attorney for everything except working with Wells Fargo. This includes setting up her move, getting her into a care facility, working with insurance, tax people, everything but the bank. We are spending thousands of dollars to get access to retirement funds that need to go to mom's memory care expenses and to sell a property in another state where I don't have POA. I hope it comes out as a wash instead of in the red, but mom wouldn't setup her accounts in a way that anybody (namely me) could have stepped in to help her when the time came. Wells Fargo just has notoriously horrible customer service in this area, even though my POA is a legal notarized document.
So I understand why some posters are encouraging you to have her declared incompetent. How feasible does that seem? Are her doctors prepared to declare her incompetent? Are there other examples of her being a danger to herself or other, besides the hoarding? Is the dementia diagnosis been made by a medical professional? Can you afford the legal proceedings that would make you her guardian? I'd start exploring this topic with her doctors and the social worker at the hospital.
If that route is not going to work for you, and she continues to be allowed to make her own decisions, for your own sanity you may have to detach from the situation. Notify APS of the situation. If possible, get your mom a medical alert system, so she can at least call someone if she falls.
There may not be anything more you can do until there is an emergency. Sad, but that often applies to people who need more help than they are ready to accept.
A month is a long time to spend in a hospital for a a broken hip. Was it replaced? Did this hospital have "swing beds" -- that is was your mother classified as a "transition care" patient and getting some rehab?
There is a great source of help for Children of Hoarders on the internet and I am a member. It is a relief to know there are other children of people who put things ahead of their family.
You may have to step back and call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Her "reason" is gone and trying to use logic is no longer going to work.
So, is your mother cognizant to live there on her own? I went through several years of filthy clothes, refusing to wash hands or bath, horrible hygiene habits, etc. before this. Did you take any pictures of her house before you cleaned? Can you get her Dr. or local social services involved?
I am sharing this with you because by the time my father got to this same frame of mind, there was no way at all he should be allowed to be left alone at home AND no way at all that any normal human being could tolerate being in his angry presence 24/7. Be strong, this will be hard, but you cannot subject yourself to the abuse.