Hi everyone
Here's the situation in a nutshell. My mum lives alone but only around the corner from me. She lost her husband, my dad, 10 years ago. She's now 74. She doesn't have dementia, is getting a little unfit and not walking places, but otherwise relatively ok. I say relatively for reasons I will explain.
But firstly if I add context. When dad died, mum's family thought it was a good idea to have mum look after their elderly mother. So, my mum witnessed my dad's sudden death, and within about 3 months she was in the process of moving house, caring for her elderly mother and putting up with the 'invasion' of her siblings, coming to 'help' with nan (but one in particular moaning and sulking for most of the couple of days a fortnight that she visited)
When Nan died 3 years ago, all the family that were visiting on a kind of rota to help out, they just all disappeared. They live in another town but it's not far and in fact that drive past here on their way to holidays nearby, yet rarely want to visit or holiday here, despite mum having a lovely house with spare room and living in a lovely area with access to everywhere.
The only time people visit is when they have problems. So one of mum's sisters will visit if her own children are going away and she's got no one nearby (well she has, she has her brothers but she avoids them, another story).
Mum's brothers visited during the lockdown, one of them was going through an extreme mental health crisis, the first he's had. The rest of the family did nothing despite him being in my mother's house very unwell. They seemed to be happy he was there.
Essentially my mum is seen as the dumping ground for the family's problems, but otherwise they get on with their own lives and never phone her, never visit, etc. They've all seen themselves as a 'close' family, yet mum is just left now, now she's not caring for their mother.
Which leaves the situation with me and her. I go around to her most days, especially while working from home, but that's set to change in a couple of weeks and I need some time to myself. I've tried visiting her and working, etc, in combination, but the truth is, to focus on my own life, I do need a week or two to myself from time to time. My mum agrees, but always seems like she's not coping when I leave.
What I mean is, all her communication is non - verbal, but it clearly works. And partly I am visiting because if I don't I know she won't have had any phone calls with the family at all and certainly no visits.
Every so often, around once a year, her 2 brothers will visit and stay for months. Usually when they are having problems of their own. Long story, they live together now and generally it seems they've relied on the sisters over the years and are struggling a bit more now that their parents have died.
I mentioned to one of the brothers that if I didn't visit mum she'd have been alone for a whole year without even a phone call. His response was 'she's your mother.' Yet, during lockdown, he stayed with her, so I couldn't 'bubble' with her, and I have no one else in my hometown. I spent the whole of 2020 pretty much living in my flat on my own. Mum can abandon people quite easily as long as her needs are met!
Anyway, I guess my whole point is that the family treat her badly, they are supposed to be 'close' yet they have abandoned her now nan has died. She gets no calls or visits. If you brought that up in conversation you would be shouted down, with them saying people should be able to do what they want. None of this helps me set boundaries and stay away from her, knowing she has nothing else (and she would have kept connections with her friends if Nan hadn't been dumped on her straight after my Dad died). I told her the family would disappear when Nan died and she didn't seem to believe it.
They have.
She won't join anything. How to set boundaries without her mental health deteriorating? I need weeks away.
If she could disregard you for the duration of the lockdown because she had her brother to meet her needs and now she is guilt tripping you and arguing with you that she is fine but putting on the sad dog act if you don't run yourself ragged dancing to her tune, she is really good at manipulating you. Maybe her siblings see this and stay clear because they are tired of being disregarded when someone more interesting comes along.
I have no patience for someone that shoots down every solution to their problems. It is a game of manipulation, in my experience, and I would not be filling in for her lack of effort to change the situation. So what she is alone at times, even for days, she could change that and chooses not to. It is up to you to change it for yourself, she won't and has proven that by using every trick to get you coming around at her will, regardless of how adversly it is effecting you. If you continue to be her solo everything, she will continue to expect it.
Best of luck cutting the apron strings and getting on with your life.
I think we might be related.
You and your mother need to put your foot down with these people.
You need to put down with kindness, some rules for your mother too.
If she's of sound mind that's good. Tell her you're going away for a couple of weeks. Then get her a hired companion. Tell her she has to try it out because when you go on vacation she will be alone if she refuses.
The companion will take her out where she wants to go, and if she doesn't want to go out, they will just stay with her at home.
I need to give her a date when I'm away. She won't mix with anyone else other than family or a friend (but thanks to family she hasn't seen those friends in a long time so she won't initiate it). She will just say she's fine while I go away. She will be as well, but I can see its affecting her mental health even though she's very strong. She's getting depressed that her family won't call.
It seems like you and your mom have always been close, but I am happy to see that you know your limitations.
I was the child in my family that was closest to my parents. I looked after my parents too. Mom missed my dad terribly. Her sister had died years earlier and her only sibling, lived many states away on the east coast. Mom spoke to her brother on the phone quite often.
My mom wanted to remain in her house after my father died and I respected that. I did everything for her because she no longer drove due to seizures and Parkinson’s disease. So, I understand how time consuming it is for you to check on her continually.
A few years after my father died, my mom’s home was completely destroyed by hurricane Katrina. I invited her to live with us. She was here for 15 years. Before her health declined horribly, I tried to get her involved in activities outside of the house, she wasn’t interested in going to our community senior center. She did do crochet and knitting until her Parkinson’s disease worsened. My brothers rarely visited her, so like you, everything fell on my shoulders. It’s emotionally and physically draining. I understand that you need to focus on your life. I missed out on a lot by being the primary caregiver.
After my 15 years of caregiving, my brother did step in and brought mom to his home for 14 months. Only then, did he appreciate what I had done and he sincerely apologized to me for not understanding how hard it is to be a caregiver and for not helping me with caring for our mom. I accepted his apology. My brother placed mom in a hospice house for the last month of her life, and we are grateful that she received excellent care.
Is your mom happy living alone? Would she be happier living in a community with other seniors? We have ‘independent living’ facilities here. There are also age 55 and up apartments available for seniors here too. Do you have that in your area?
Does she attend any churches? What about hobbies? Knitting or crochet? We have groups that meet that do all sorts of activities. Reading clubs? Etc.
Wishing you and your mom all the best.
And how does she feel when family visits? Does she complain or enjoys the company? The only time I may worry is if one of them decides to move in. Then it would be does Mom want it. If she doesn't mind a contract should be written up stating what that person pays towards rent, utilities, food, etc. That Mom is not their Caretaker. She is not their servant.
I helped my mom get an older dog this spring and it has really added some dimension to her life. I live 9 hours away and can not be her support system, so I am really grateful that she has her new little buddy.
Hopefully you find something that shifts her total attention from you.
She says she won't have a dog because of the worry about it getting ill, that's what happened with our last dog. She's very stubborn. She won't do anything to help this situation, she's quite happy with it the way it is (apart from she misses her family, and I understand that when they spent years in her house while she was caring for nan).
Can she start calling her friends one at a time and renew those ties?
Is there a local senior center you can take her initially and then she goes herself? Will the senior center pick her up/drop her off if she sees people her own age there?
Does she garden? Any other hobbies that can be encouraged?
I'm in the UK, hiring companions isn't a thing here, though I know what you mean and in theory it could be done, but she doesn't want anyone only me or her family.
Have you told your mom that you are worried about her wellbeing and that you need to get on with your daily living?
Sometimes we just need to be blunt with our loved ones. She is probably feeling a bit at odds and ends because of how her life took sudden, traumatic turns. Maybe, she would benefit from some grief counseling that focuses on what is next for her?
I am so sorry that her siblings use her as their dumping grounds, it sounds like it is a life long habit that she has allowed. Only she can change her roll in the family. Is she willing?
Remember that your wellbeing matters in this situation as much as anyone else's, so take care of you and only do what you want to for the others, including mom. They are adults and do have the ability to live without you hovering. Stepping back will force her to face some realities and that is a good thing, even though it is tremendously difficult.
Last night when I left she said she'd come with me for a drive as she knows I go for a walk to see the sunset at the moment before going home. I explained she can't get out and walk, she won't feel comfortable being left in the car late, etc. and she insisted she'd like it. So she's starting to do stuff like that, just to not be alone.
All through the journey she just kept staring at the keyring with our dog picture on it (he passed away 2 years ago), so getting depressed. So, she says one thing, but her behaviour suggests another.
So I asked her what else she could do to structure not just her day but her week. It took a bit of work but she decided she would walk into town for the market day, but after that didn't want to talk about it anymore.
The fact that I live just around the corner, it should be a great set up, with mum calling occasionally to ask if I want to join her at the tea rooms that I can see from my window, etc.. But there's no 'input' from her in anyway, it's like I just have to 'orbit' her. I don't even think she does this on purpose. As I'm typing right now I feel the gravitational 'pull' that she is ten mins away, sitting there...