Her husband passed away a few years back. She asked us to live with us because she was lonely. She is only 74. Nothing wrong physically or mentally. Now time has gone by and been living with us for about 2 1/2 years. We have no privacy. She has a tv in her room, but chooses to sit in another room (close to the one we watch TV in) and watches TV in that room. The tv goes on by 9 am until later at night. She really makes no meals. Does not help clean up dishes, maybe she might wipe a pan or two. My husband and I have full time jobs. Me and my husband agree, we made a mistake. I am depressed most of the time, if it weren't for my job. She doesn't pay for a whole lot. She maybe once in a while pays for a few groceries. You know, I tell you this stuff and it doesn't really matter. I don't like living with her. I feel my husbands and I relationship has suffered. There is more to this story, but it doesn't matter anymore. I am depressed and down most of the time. My husband agrees but there's nothing we can do. She has more then my husband for a child, she has a 3 others. I feel stuck.
My mom moved in with us for a year and a half after my dad died. She was waiting for a spot in independent living. At my age she was retired in a golf community and traveling. She never took care of her own mother who was alone in senior living as she lived hours away.
My mom was very dependent on us. My dad had done everything for her and she expected us to do the same.We had no privacy. She expected us to cook and clean for her and entertain her. She had a large room with a TV but preferred to be in our family room watching her old TV shows all day. It effected the relationship I had with my husband and my high school son. They preferred to be somewhere else. I grew very resentful. I was angry at my siblings who lived far away for their lack of support. I was angry with my mom who wouldn't change and become more independent. But most of all I felt guilty because I felt so much resentment towards her. I woke up every day wanting to be nicer and more compassionate. I was a hospice volunteer so surely I had it in me. Every night I went to bed frustrated.
I soon began to have health problems. In the mornings my hands were in such pain I couldn't open them. They would be painfully cramped. The doctor thought I had carpal tunnel causing pain in my wrists,forearms and elbows. I wore braces on my wrists whenever I used my computer. I was constantly sick with sinus infections. The list goes on.
Miraculously soon after my mom moved out I was cured of all my health problems:)
My mom has been in independent living for two years now. She is in a very nice continuing care facility with hundreds of activities and trips. She still sits and watches TV all day and her only activity is dressing up to go down for dinner. I've resigned myself to the fact that she isn't going to get involved in activities and that's her choice. I visit her once or twice a week and take her to lunch and the grocery store. I take her to doctors appointments and am available whenever she needs me. She is getting more and more forgetful and repeating herself so I know we probably have a new journey ahead of us. I will be there for her, advocate for her and make sure she is well taken care of. But I will not move her back into my home.
Now remember, Guilt and Sorrow, when my mom lived with me she was capable of caring for herself. My stress was nowhere near what you must have with your mom. It's so important that you take care of yourself. The feelings of resentment will not go away. The stress will cause multiple problems to your health. Do not feel guilty if you can not care for her at home. She'd be better off in a memory care facility with a healthy daughter advocating for her and visiting her because she wants to, not because she feels obligated. I always ask myself "what would I want my kids to do if I get like this?" The answer is always "do not move me in with you, even if when the time comes I put a guilt trip on you. It's not me talking it's the dementia."
I've made this clear to all my kids and I've even put it in writing.
It's time to take care of yourself and live your life. You worked and now it's time to enjoy retirement. You can do that and still be a good daughter!
Your husband is going to have to be straight with his sibs (how many are there, and what are their situations?) that your mil cannot continue to live with you and your husband.
Time to find things for mother-in-law to do... such a volunteer work. Is there something special she likes to do? Maybe there could be a need for her help or guidance. When my Dad retired, when they were in their late 60's they started doing volunteer work at the local hospital, and did that for 25 years. It got them out of the house, away from the TV, meeting other people, and they would treat themselves to Wendy's for lunch.
Does Mom have any close friends who are also widows? Maybe they could form a "Golden Girl" type of living arrangement.
I don't blame you, it's very difficult to know where to begin it.
But you have given this arrangement a fair trial. And it is only going to get worse. And although your MIL is still comparatively young, her needs are going to increase - or at least, they're not going to become less.
So if you already recognise that you're close to the end of your rope, you don't have any option: you have to create a change.
Have you and your husband ever had a talk with your MIL's other children about their mother's future?
Have you looked around at what alternatives might be practical?
Finally, switch this around and look at it from the perspective of what's best for MIL. How good is it for *her* to be living in a home where, truth be told, and no blame attached, she's the third person of a crowd and it's only going to get worse?
Not that you or your husband need anybody's permission to decide what's best for your marriage, and to put that first. But the point is that there may be other options that would be better for *everybody*, not least MIL, both now and in the future.
Don't despair! Well begun is half done, and the first step is to find out what else might be possible. Good luck, please keep posting.