New to care giving, and was asked to be a live in caregiver for my boyfriend's mom by her sister and by her. Very sweet, warm, generous, fair woman, just lost her husband of 38 years. Found out her sister was getting paid thru IHSS to be her caregiver, but she was not able to be there for her sister full time, so she asked us to come live here with her and help her. We provide our own food. But then sister was not paying us for the hours worked..only $5 a day, each. And being on-call 24/7 was hard on us both. Noticed a subtle decline in her moods and memory.. Sister passed away unexpectedly in auto accident and her moods began to shift violently. She hasnt informed IHSS of us working for her, she stopped paying us anything. She reported someone else is new caregiver, but we are the only ones here. Now, she's threatening eviction, then she is fine and doesn't act like she remembers conflict at all. She had her church friends come and throw away our bed and fan..and is trying to kick us out, when she really needs someone here in case she falls or needs laundry done, someone to help her bathe, as she can barely walk.. We are so confused and hurt by everything. And at a complete loss.
That's....unbelievable.
Mom is still 'physically' young but mentally, much older. She could easily live for 20-25 years more.
You two need to have your OWN lives, and not be catering to a sick, angry woman. If your BF doesn't have POA, then he really has zero say in her care. Find out who DOES have it, and plead your case.
This mom needs to be in 24/7 care and you two cannot provide that. You must REALLY love this guy--this dynamic wouldn't float with me for more than a couple of weeks. You need to be looking forward, and while his mom SHOULD be a part of your lives, she shouldn't be THE REASON you get up in the mornings.
I agree, you need to move out. Once you are out you call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult explaining she has kicked you out and everything else u said here.
After you leave call APS and they will evaluate her and her living areas. Let them take over.
This will never be right and you two need to get your life together, get your own place.
Go to the police because you have tenant rights even if you don't pay rent. Name the church members who got rid of your stuff and file charges against them. They had no right to dispose of your things. Then put in a claim to her homeowner's insurance for your stolen and destroyed furniture and personal effects.
Now, follow the money. If money was being collected from IHSS because for her live-in care, then there is documentation that she needs caregiving and has been approved for it. Contact IHSS directly yourself and tell them what's going on. If someone else is collecting the money for the caregiving sevices, that's fraud.
You're going to have to find a new place to live. In the meantime, don't do a **** thing for her. Do not bathe her. Do not make her meals. Do not wash her clothes.
Nothing.
You are not receiving payment for your caregiving service, so the caregiving service stops.
You and your BF squat there for free until you've found a new place, then walk away. Let the church members take care of her the way they took care of your personal stuff.
It is her home. She has rights of who lives there. She is legally able to make decisions for herself until proved otherwise (by medical professionals or the law).
Many families have been through this. The stepping in to help... But the step in was a giant drop... and often not actually requested or appreciated.
So go - but work behind the scenes towards improving her safety if you can;
1. Advise her church leader she is alone, at her request.
2. Call APS to advise of a vulnerable elder living alone.
3. Your boyfriend could consider welfare phone calls every few days.
What you think is needed doesn’t count until BF sorts this mess out. If he doesn’t want to do it, just leave, with or without him. We have many new posters who find themselves in a situation like this, where they are confused and exploited while having no powers – even to work out what is happening! Particularly Girl friends, who are doing most of the work.
I see from your profile that the mom is only 68, so I assume you and your boyfriend aren’t very old. Not to be nosy but don’t you guys want to be working and earning money for your future and your own old age, etc.?
I would hope there is some way for your boyfriend to keep a relationship with his mom without committing to possibly decades of low-paid 24/7 caregiving. I hate to see younger people getting trapped. . .
And since it’s her house, I think you need to leave if that’s what she wants. Then call APS about a vulnerable elder if you feel she can’t take care of herself or arrange for others to help her.