This would be a joyous celebration for many families but my mother has been mentally and verbally abusing me for years. She is constantly misplacing things and then accuses me of stealing them. When I look for her things and find them she says that I took them in the first place. I am not allowed to get anyone to come in to help out a bit. My husband says I need a day away to get away from her but if we go overnight she will make my life miserable when I come home. Back to the birthday I am so discouraged I don't feel like doing anything for her. She refers to me as the devil. I have a brother in Chicago but it is like being alone. Can someone help?
I am already an ocean away to protect myself. Family that stayed in her orbit are either dead, or have been burned so many times they have no contact with her. She refuses to have herself assessed. So she lives alone. She still drives. No one will turn her in, as she lives where reporting someone's driving cannot be done anonymously, and everyone fears her retaliation. She has dozens of guns and would have no problem either rationalizing shooting her family members, or making up a boo-hoo lie about thinking someone was an intruder, or that she acted in self defense. If she lives to be 90, I will be a shell of a person unless I fight to survive with every bit of strength I have.
My hat is off to those of you who can care for these dreadful people. My "mother" just happens to be the female who gave birth to me, but she was far too concerned with herself ever to have been a proper parent to me. For the past 20 years, I have spent many hundreds of hours and tens of thousands of dollars trying to undo the damage she has done to me. I owe her nothing--she has taken too much of my life already.
I know you said something about verbal and mental abuse, this is just as damaging though it's different. I know abuse affects people differently, but in the end, there's still some level of damage that's already been done regardless of the abuse type. Remaining in an abusive situation will eventually have you finding yourself doing the exact same thing to others if you're not careful. This is why you really need to get out of the situation. If you know what you're capable of doing because it trips something in the brain, you really need to avoid those types of situations so you can avoid any triggers
It sounds like your mother may have “dementia”, which is caused simply by old-age in some individuals and by Alzheimer's in others. Dementia is caused by damage to the brain cells, and causes many of the behaviors you describe. It's hard getting old. But you should try to get help to care for your mother. Do not let her decide what is best, she doesn't know at this time. And do not let her abusive words hurt you (even though they do), she doesn't even know what she is doing or saying, at this point in time. But you do need to take care of yourself first, otherwise, everything becomes harder. As far as a birthday celebration goes, don't worry about it. She probably doesn't even know it's her birthday. Perhaps, just have a small cake to celebrate the fact you have great genes!
I was running myself ragged for a couple of years trying to plan the perfect Thanksgiving and Christmas for my mom (who didn't even know it was a holiday...) and then one day I said, "Hey, what am I doing? Let's just have lunch in her AL and call it a visit."
If it were me, I would get your mom a present online and and card, and a cake--let the grocery store make it. Done, and done.
My oppologies for ranting of my own problems. You should not feel guilty about not wanting to give her a party. Nor should you have to defend your choice to your family until they are willing to do what you do for one week. Don't let her kill all your happiness. Get some outside help or get her out of your house. I refuse to have my mom live with me for ever it's not healthy , the world has changed and we have far more stress to deal with. I love my mother and would take her in again but she knows at some point she will have to go into some sort of home.