I’m 52. My mother divorced my father who adored her 40 years ago. She has anxiety and depression but coped through living in nice hotels around the world. We fund but she has done it reasonably and gets best deals. I haven’t lived with her for 40 years and only seen her about 10 times since age 19, when she called me daily at college to tell me she was lost. I developed severe ocd about her and thought about her 5 hours a day. I moved away and it got better. Then it happened again and she would call me all the time about her horrors, no place to live. Around my age 35 we started funding her fully. Things got better (by better I mean I never wanted to call her but was able to call her once a week and only obsess about an hour a day. Now over the past few months, things have gotten worse and my ocd is skyrocketing. Writing posts like this, talking to anyone who will listen. She is impossible to talk to. She won’t budge an inch. We asked for one hour of help a week from her to help us and she said no during the pandemic. Not one hour. We asked for a planning phone call or we weren’t going to send her funds and she just threatened to kill herself so finally we sent to stop the torture. Now at 77, I have limited contact and trying various treatments but she still slams on me about her misery. She doesn’t have a home and cries about that. Then we offer to buy her a home in Florida, Phoenix and she says she doesn’t want a dumpy home. Then we offer to buy her a nice home and she says she doesn’t want to be alone. The issue is she has no family that cares about her. My sister and dad don’t care if she is dead. Neither do her brothers. We care and I feel devastated for her, but I can’t have her in my unit because I don’t have space (2 bedroom for 3 people already). I don’t want her here because I am
obsessjng hours a day as it is and she will continue to manipulate me (I didn’t find her a husband, I have a husband, she doesn’t want to live and just wants to be hugged, I didn’t give her a solution to live overseas and have a home base in the United States, her life didn’t meet her dreams). As background, she sounds insane saying that 35 years ago she stayed with me when my father had a brain tumor and was in life threatening surgery. She tells me she missed a meeting and got in trouble. She was never there for me - didn’t come to wedding, graduations or when I got I’ll. But she gets into my head. Now I can’t make her go anywhere. She won’t call a suicide line, she won’t pick a place to live but will just email me until I break. Yes, the problem is with me, sf is very expensive and I can’t fund her here but moreover this is not a retirement community. She need to make friends but won’t. Only daily emails that she has no hope. Everyone tells me to not read her emails. I am so scared. By the way, I have an amazing husband and son…can’t even focus on them. Can you help me? Small part of me wonders if I need to open my arms and just love this shell of a human. I can’t solve it. Do you have resources?
MOM NEEDS TO BE HOSPITALIZED AND EVALUATED BY A GERIATRIC DOCTOR. PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY EXAMINED.. where is she on dementia and ALZ OR other
geriatric issues? Memory, etc..
keep repeating suicide.. you want to make sure you have no GUILT..
get her help NOW..
stay away from:: gosh I should have taken her seriously.. that really is no fun.. my friends family is dealing with that..
PLEASE CALL 911 and let them take over… msybe she is Plsying games… but you don’t want to find out the hard way..
Are you currently seeing a psychiatrist?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-gave-up-today-or-maybe-i-saved-myself-481569.htm?orderby=recent
This path is not without pain, but it will result in your mother getting the help she needs. Tell your sister and uncle to call police and or APS in your mother's current locale. Report her as a vulnerable adult. STOP sending money.
Why?
Stop. Look. Listen to yourself.
Are you encouraging more family to hashover the drama? To just gossip & handwring - doing nothing different?
Answer other family once.
Mom is ill. It is beyond me or her family to help her. She needs professional mental health treatment.
Anyone with concerns can all APS & report her.
This is a pretty good article on the different types of narcissism.
https://markmanson.net/narcissism
Now the question is why not just move her in and let her complete the process like the invasion of the body snatchers? She can become you and you can become invisible.
Empathy for this hungry soul is destroying you.
I can guarantee that in real life (not internet), real people are telling you to see a doctor, too.
Instead of going to a doctor, you try to find more people (like the forum) you can talk to, about your obsession. When they get tired, you’ll move onto other people.
You need a doctor.
An old flatmate of mine's sister travelled the world, living in hotels, being funded by her "boyfriends'. She had trauma in her background, couldn’t stick at education, liked the finer things, so it was a good fit mostly. She kept in contact with her brother - he was like her anchor in life.
You mention that you went to a movie theater with your husband and son and saw many older women there. You say, “I could have taken her there in a different world.”
You end your post to venting by saying that you are seeing your therapist today. Great, share all of this with your therapist.
Do you think that deep down that you long for a loving mom in your life?
Everyone would love to have a wonderful mom. No one wants a mom who has mental illness. I understand this. It is extremely difficult for people who have mothers that fall short of being a loving, nurturing and supportive parent.
Life isn’t fair. Most of us found this out at a very young age.
I’m confused by some of your comments. You acknowledge that your mother has mental health issues, but do you really think that you are protecting yourself from her wrath, pleading for more and more and her never ending breakdowns by continuing to pacify her with money?
You’re not helping her. Let her butt hit rock bottom, so she has to reach out for help or her behavior becomes so erratic that she won’t have a choice in receiving help because no one else would ever put up with what you have!
You’re not protecting yourself by doling out money either. I’m sure that you can’t deny that you have trained her to keep coming back for more!
Mourn the loss that you will never, ever have a loving mom.
Start new dreams. Dreams that involve your husband and son, your friends, in other words, people who truly care about you. Your mom doesn’t give a rat’s a** about anyone but herself!
After you grieve, celebrate your freedom from living in misery all of these years.
You never really blocked your mother - you claimed you did for a year - but your husband has been the puppet - talking thru you. You justify this by saying you're a "team", but you're your own person. You need to deal with your mother directly. You're presenting half stories because it works in your favor - such as you claim you've only seen your mother 10 times in decades - but that's your doing, right? You've refused to see her. She wasn't at your wedding, graduation, ect - was she invited? Because you claimed that she's been calling you since college and said she feels lost - so it's not like she hasn't tried to be in your life.
And now learning her mother (your grandmother) had shock treatment when your mother was being raised, I'm sure there's a whole lot you don't know about her upbringing and the dysfunction. You claim your mother won't make up her mind where to live, etc...I don't think she can. She sounds extremely STUCK - maybe she has some form of ptsd and literally cannot make decisions right now - and really, you refuse to place her in the entire state of California - it's not all expensive - not all parts. Living in a hotel room - all alone - isolated - and having no roots anywhere can really drive a person into deeper depression. Just stop having your husband ask her questions - you won't accept her answers of living near you - if that's even what she wants, because if it was, why didn't she fly out to you instead of choosing Florida from St Louis? She asked you to reach out to her brother and you refused. That to me is further keeping her alienated from family.
And by the way, she's not the first neurotic, needy, drama-queen - her mantras and wording she uses of others killing her, being a murderer, etc.- she's in her own head-loop - all alone in a hotel room...and she's filling her own head with that to the point of probably believing it. You need to speak to her directly - firmly - have a script prepared prior...it's not a two-way conversation - you will strongly and firmly tell her that you are not responsible for her life - if you hear any negative words, then you'll cease any contact - you refuse to hear complaints - she has made it impossible for you to have a relationship with her because of her constant complaining and negativity. It's too much for you and it's not your role to carry her. If she ever wants a relationship with you, then you can only hear positive words. You need to be blunt, tough - and maybe if you showed her that, she wouldn't even feel you were that desirable to be around.
Then make decisions for her - get her out of a hotel already - if you totally refuse to have her anywhere in the state of California, then don't expect for her to give you other options - it's gotten you nowhere. Get her a place in Florida - you chose it - you wanted to put her in a 55+ community, so do it - find a place where she'll meet people and have social activities - give her a chance to put down roots. She can't refuse it if you stop paying for her hotels - she'll have nowhere else to go. Furnish it yourself - consider it a property investment. Once she settles, she'll meet people and things will take their own course. Just take measures already - this isn't getting you anywhere. It doesn't matter what she refuses - take control of the situation - plant roots for her and see where things go from there. Just give her a start.
Have you read Never Simple by Liz Scheier? It might help you to see why you have to stop.
I've said this many times before to you and it's the truth once again.
If and when you decide to stop playing your mother's games she will stop with all the nonsense and drama.
You don't stop playing her games because you don't want to.
You have said in past posts that you only saw your mother about ten times over the last 40 years. So really I fail to see how walking away from this person and having zero contact with her would be such a hard thing to do.
For your family's sake as well as your own, this is exactly what you should be doing.
In the spirit of friendship everything I'm saying to you is true. You have a husband and a child to think about.
Continuing to be a martyr will not ruin just your life. It will ruin their lives as well. Keep that in mind.
Nice hotels.
Anyway, even “cheap” hotels are very expensive after living there - every day - for years. It’s extremely rare to be able to afford to live in hotels for years, NON-STOP.
If OP has that kind of money, she also has money to get a great doctor who helps her with her OCD. As others posted, OP is obsessed with her mom.
Only a doctor can help OP.
"she doesn’t want a dumpy home. Then we offer to buy her a nice home and she says she doesn’t want to be alone".
The woman actually WANTS to be looked after - to be IN CARE.
maybe she would like assisted living .
OP has been funding her mother at hotels for years. It’s extremely costly.
After covid the prices went up. Now, you can tell me I'm drinking the kool-aid, but she could live in hotels cheaper than a house and that was a built-in social system for someone who was unable to make friends. Yes, sounds like I'm defending her. It was a brilliant life for her to choose. Some people live on cruise ships. Something happened a year ago and she panicked and now has done this. What she has done is unacceptable and horrific. It's partial mental illness, partial narcissism.
I think we’re being played, for many reasons.
First, no one in the world (not millionaires; not anyone) lives in a small, cramped place, while voluntarily funding their mother in a hotel.
Second, it costs A LOT of money to live every day in a hotel. A HUGE amount of money. OP has the money to fund that? Those types of people don’t normally hang out on caregiver forums, because if you’re that wealthy, you have plenty of money to hire advisors for various aspects of life’s troubles.
Etc., other reasons.
Nothing more to be considered for me, I am out of this loop.
One thing that I have learned here is that many just can't stop trying to fix a situation, so they just continue to respond, whether they are being punked or not, it is a codependency thing.
OP can’t be reasoned with. Many of you feel OP’s mom can’t be reasoned with.
Well, OP can’t be reasoned with either.
You can’t talk someone out of OCD. OP should call 911 for her mother’s suicidal threats, but she won’t because that would start stopping the whole drama.
In the same way that OP is anxious about her mom’s emails and calls, we on the forum are anxious about OP, but we can’t reason with OP, just like OP can’t reason with her mom. IT’S IDENTICAL.
OP needs to see a doctor. That’s it. Therapist is not enough. A doctor.
You have got to stop allowing yourself to become upset by your mother’s suicide threats.
Your reaction has been totally inappropriate for this situation. The only appropriate response is to call 911 and be done with it!
Your first thought should not be to send more money to her. Nor should you become so emotionally invested in how she is feeling. Did she ever genuinely care about how you, your husband, your child, your sister, your father or your stepmom ever felt? No! She hasn’t!
I suspect that you either have a rotten therapist and it’s high time to find a new therapist. Or, that you aren’t listening to a word of advice being offered to you as a solution.
I cannot imagine that your therapist is backing up your actions of how you are handling this situation with your mother.
Stop focusing on your mother and start focusing on your own mental health. Your mother is most likely beyond help. You are not a miracle worker! Why aren’t you convinced that you will never be able to convince her of anything? Has she ever once been satisfied with your generosity? Nope! She hasn’t!
Your mother (in name only) will not change! At this point, who cares?
You don’t want her in your life anyway.
You say that you don’t love her. So, what exactly is your motivation behind this insanity? Please explain this to us. There is absolutely no logic in this situation.
Let her hit rock bottom! That’s what I did with my oldest brother when he tried to pull crazy stunts on me!
As long as she has you as a lifeline, actually a crutch, she will have no incentive to reach out for ‘real’ help. Your bandaids aren’t doing the trick! She needs professional help!
I still feel like I am watching a soap opera, pure fantasy, I am really not sure if we are being played or not.
In either case, some serious professional help is needed for both of them.
You write "The issue is she has no family that cares about her." No. The issue is that your mother is mentally ill and needs professional care.
((((hugs))) I know this isn't easy, but it is doable.
Love your mother by getting her the care she needs by reporting her to people who can help her where you can't. Funding her and supporting her as in the past is just enabling her illness.
In my humble opinion threats of suicide take the entire situation out of our hands. Neither any of us, nor OCD is qualified to deal with someone suicidal.
Therefore OCD's response to that from her mother should be :
"You have just set the stage for my calling the suicide hotline and the police to report your suicidal ideation".
The she should DO JUST THAT and let those trained deal with her mother.
It isn't up to us to label Mom's intentions.
It isn't up to OCD to deal with threats of suicide.
It is up to those trained to do it.
If, as in the past, her mother presents as "fine" to the authorities, she doesn't really want help. She wants to manipulate her daughter into becoming a hostage to her mood/personality disorder.
And OCD should feel free to tell this sham of a "mother" to bugger off.
CALL HER BLUFF!
CALL 911
GET HER THE HELP SHE JUST KEEPS TELLING YOU
my friend’s daughter decided she wants a divorce after 3 years of marriage.. the hubby started getting suicidal thoughts. My friends ex wife is in the medical field.
Jill said she would take Bill into her home and take care of him and watch him..
I suggested actual doctor evaluation in a hospital..
long story short, the daughter called her dad saying that the hone security shows Bill is in their condo.. daughter wasn’t home..
Bill’s parents are questioning as to why he wasn’t taken to a hospital..
GET YOUR MOM PROFESSIONAL HELP AND talk with her doctor.
CALL HER BLUFF!
CALL 911
GET HER THE HELP SHE JUST KEEPS TELLING YOU
my friend’s daughter decided she wants a divorce after 3 years of marriage.. the hubby started getting suicidal thoughts. My friends ex wife is a nurse or something in medical field.. social worker(?)
Jill said she would take Bill into her home and take care of him and watch him..
I told them that’s a bad idea. Call 5150.. no, Jill knows how to handle Bill. If we call 5150, he will kill him self..
long story short, the daughter called her dad saying that the hone security shows Bill is in their condo.. daughter wasn’t home..
Bills fsmily is now trying to sue Jill and daughter for not getting him professional help..
GET YOUR MOM PROFESSIONAL HELP AND talk with her doctor.
the paramedics, and police will show up, and take her to ER or 5150.. maybe they can tweak out her meds a bit, get her in a program ; get her in assisted living.. she won’t be alone.. and it won’t be your fault anymore..
Ocd, are you saying that your mom emailed or called you and left this message?
If that is the case you do the following:
1. You call 911 and give them the address where your mom is staying and say that your mom has may a credible threat of self harm with a plan, and that she immediate psychiatric help.
2. You call the manager of the hotel and tell her that mom has made a threat of suicide and that she needs to call 911 immediately.
Ocd, do you see how mom has worded her message so as to shift all blame and responsibility onto you?
Do not communicate with her any longer. Do NOT listen to her messages. She is getting off on your pain.
Why on earth do you believe her lies?
This is the term the workplace councellor used to describe a co-worker's behaviour. I had said it felt like harrassment or bullying: constant delegations, constant requests, ignores refusals.
The staff member was new. I had been nice. I had been taken advantage of.
I wound back on *nice*. Not enough. Strong boundaries were needed - but this was beginning to exhaust me. The next advice was to reduce contact.
OCDs Mother seems to have a top level extreme version of this.
There ARE people that are 'takers'.
People that have less empathy for others, are in survival mode, have delusions or alternative/unusual thinking etc. Are self-focused.
OCD, are you beginning to see that providing accomodation will not be a cure?
That by you being nice & so very generous it can unfortunately bring opportunity to being taken advantage of?
Your self-image as a nice & generous person. Can this be separated from funding Mother?
So much smaller problem.. but I can be BOTH a helpful person AND someone not taken advantage of by a bossy needy co-worker.
It’s crazy that she wants you to pay for her plastic surgery.
There are people who are literally dying, unlike her hoaxes about dying. Her description of “dying” is laughable!
I rolled my eyes with your reply to bundle about your mother feeling as if you, your husband and her rabbi being a murderer! That is crazy!
Her rabbi is extremely wise to be avoiding her like the plague. I have said this before and I will say it again. Follow the rabbi’s example and completely ignore your mother.
The person who gave birth to you is very damaged and very destructive. She is beyond your help. She may be beyond anyone’s help.
Perhaps, if/when she hits the bottom, she may be open to accepting (mental) help. She can’t hit bottom if she keeps getting rescued.
I totally agree with you about not bringing her to live with or near you. She will destroy you and your family.