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You won't stop loving your father and giving him lots of practical support just because you don't live with him. Move out, and a) help him decide what sort of accommodation would best meet his needs and b) use his assets to pay for it. Is your mother still with us?
Your father's behaviour towards you may be his using you as a replacement for the wife he used to dominate, may be exacerbated by extreme aging and possible mental decline, may be all sorts of things - it doesn't matter. It isn't good for either of you and you need to remove yourself from it.
So - what are the options? Where might you move to? Because you'll need to find somewhere first, even if it's only temporary, and you don't need your father's permission to do it.
I don't see your partner sticking around for long. If they had written here for advice (some do, sometimes), many would advise that they move on to someone else.
So now your and your father's funds are commingled in a joint property. Ugh.
Did you give up a job when you moved in with your parents? Do you have siblings? How is your financial future? Do you have health insurance? Are you in the U.S. (wondering because you use the term "mum")?
Thank you to everyone for your responses. Some more Background: I sold my own home to move into Mum and Dads House when my mum had a massive stroke. I did this to help Dad with Mum during the night - as nurses only came during the day. At this stage Dad was perfectly fine - he was only diagnosed with Mild/Moderate Dementia about a year ago. I was at the family house when an earthquake wrecked the family home. We had to move out immediately - putting Mum into Residential Care and Dad and I moving to a rental property. I have been in this rental property for 10 years - I’m paying the rent from joint monies from Dads insurance settlement on the family home and proceeds from my sold house. We have just built a joint home - rather than rent - so who owns the house is basically half share. I have Power of Attorney on Dad and have had for several years now - I haven’t had to use it as yet. I feel like a caged animal - I can’t move without Dad wanting to know what I am doing every second of the day - he listens to my phone calls (and asks who I’m taking to) tells me to get off the phone, gets really angry if I am in a shop for more than 30 minutes. He insists on coming in the car with me everywhere - and sits and waits for me. it’s like he’s afraid of his own company?? If I’m talking to anyone for too long - in his opinion - he starts tooting the car horn like a kid. For over a year I have been seeing a lovely guy - and Dad flatly refuses to met him or have him in the house. Dad calls my partner dreadful names to me and Dad tells me he’s not remotely interested in me or what I do. This hurts terribly as I do everything for him. This is nothing new - Dad never really liked any of partners growing up - but this is next level nasty stuff - and refusing to even meet my partner is unbelievably hurtful. It’s like Dad is jealous - which I find very very weird! Dad was always controlling of Mum and was the head of the family - but this control he is portraying is fair worse than it’s ever been before. My partner has been very understanding - but won’t be forever. I see my partner once a week - on a Saturday from 6pm until 11pm If I get home to Dad any later he yells, screams and tells me I’m a mad bit.h! He also starts ranting about my partner. I dread these nights so much - it ruins the night before it even starts. I have told Dad if he doesn’t change his attitude I’m leaving - but I don’t even think he realises the impact that will have on him. His GP has tried to suggest he goes on Anti Anxiety Medication but has refused. He told me to call the Police as his GP is trying to kill him. I love my Dad very much - he has been an amazing Father - but I can’t live like this for much longer. Any advice will be much appreciated
Has your father assigned you (or anyone) as his PoA? If not, it may be time to try to help him do this. Without having any legal authority for him it will become very difficult to act on his behalf or transition him to a facility *if* the caregiving becomes overwhelming and he refuses to go voluntarily. If you aren't his PoA, then the county may need to be called and they will acquire guardianship for him in order to manage his affairs and make decisions in his best interests. I realize this is off topic from your question, but if you've not dealt this age-related decline, dementia and caregiving these are things you need to know now in order to help you in the near future.
There could be many explanations for his behavior unfortunately.
1. If he has dementia - this could be a form of "Shadowing" where he wants to know where you are at all times, what you are doing, when you will be back and needs to know where you are physically all the time. Does he follow you around the house and need to be in the same room all of of time? My grandmother does this with my mom. She feels like she can't breathe it's gotten so bad and mom says she feels like a teenager - my grandmother literally checks in on her every single time she leaves the house for even 5 minutes or she's out of her sight. 2. Has he always been a controlling person? If so, dementia exacerbates personality traits in a lot of cases and makes them worse. 3. A lot of the men in that generation unfortunately (not all, but a good number) just feel like women have a certain role - if your father has always felt like that - he may be casting you in that role now. I know my FIL went from my MIL in that role to my SIL when she became his caregiver. And they don't like to share them with anyone else. And unfortunately if it is incredibly embedded in their personality - they don't like or appreciate it when they don't play the role they are assigned. (read: when you behave perfectly naturally)
You have a perfect right to live your life. You are going to have to ascertain what is dementia and what is part of his normal personality. But you can't reason with dementia. You can't be held hostage. Is there a way to get a caregiver to stay with him at home while you go out? Or a friend to visit? What happens when you leave? You say he gets nasty but what does that mean? Does he do things to himself or does he just yell and act mean? Does he destroy the house or just act like a PITA and sulk? A lot depends on his behavior and whether it escalates. With dementia - if he is getting violent you are really going to have to consider what level of behavior you can manage and if you need to get the doctor involved and whether he might need medication interventions -and if he it escalates - how long you will be able to keep him home if "nasty" means more "bite" and less "bark" if you know what I mean.
Not unusual behavior for some, and keep in mind many men were the head of the household, their spouses let them rule the roost, especially prevalent with the preboomer generation. "Daddy Is King"!
If you have moved in with him and the home is in his name, that is where some of the problem may lie as technically it is his house and you are a guest.
With dementia one never knows what is around the corner, some bullies become docile and others that were docile become aggressive.
You have to set your boundaries and stick to them, there are some great books out there which will be of great help to you for doing this.
If he berates you stand your ground, tell him that if he doesn't stop you will leave and come back when you are ready, if he starts, tell him that you are leaving and leave, if you stick to this routine he should back off because you are not standing for his bad behavior.
I would also talk to his doctor about this there are meds that can help him. He may also get to the point that you will have no option except to place him in MC. If he becomes physically violent
You are entitled to a life, it is time for you to take back your power.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You won't stop loving your father and giving him lots of practical support just because you don't live with him. Move out, and a) help him decide what sort of accommodation would best meet his needs and b) use his assets to pay for it. Is your mother still with us?
Your father's behaviour towards you may be his using you as a replacement for the wife he used to dominate, may be exacerbated by extreme aging and possible mental decline, may be all sorts of things - it doesn't matter. It isn't good for either of you and you need to remove yourself from it.
So - what are the options? Where might you move to? Because you'll need to find somewhere first, even if it's only temporary, and you don't need your father's permission to do it.
So now your and your father's funds are commingled in a joint property. Ugh.
Did you give up a job when you moved in with your parents? Do you have siblings?
How is your financial future? Do you have health insurance? Are you in the U.S. (wondering because you use the term "mum")?
Some more Background:
I sold my own home to move into Mum and Dads House when my mum had a massive stroke. I did this to help Dad with Mum during the night - as nurses only came during the day.
At this stage Dad was perfectly fine - he was only diagnosed with Mild/Moderate Dementia about a year ago.
I was at the family house when an earthquake wrecked the family home.
We had to move out immediately - putting Mum into Residential Care and Dad and I moving to a rental property.
I have been in this rental property for 10 years - I’m paying the rent from joint monies from Dads insurance settlement on the family home and proceeds from my sold house.
We have just built a joint home - rather than rent - so who owns the house is basically half share.
I have Power of Attorney on Dad and have had for several years now - I haven’t had to use it as yet.
I feel like a caged animal - I can’t move without Dad wanting to know what I am doing every second of the day - he listens to my phone calls (and asks who I’m taking to) tells me to get off the phone, gets really angry if I am in a shop for more than 30 minutes.
He insists on coming in the car with me everywhere - and sits and waits for me.
it’s like he’s afraid of his own company??
If I’m talking to anyone for too long - in his opinion - he starts tooting the car horn like a kid.
For over a year I have been seeing a lovely guy - and Dad flatly refuses to met him or have him in the house.
Dad calls my partner dreadful names to me and Dad tells me he’s not remotely interested in me or what I do. This hurts terribly as I do everything for him.
This is nothing new - Dad never really liked any of partners growing up - but this is next level nasty stuff - and refusing to even meet my partner is unbelievably hurtful. It’s like Dad is jealous - which I find very very weird!
Dad was always controlling of Mum and was the head of the family - but this control he is portraying is fair worse than it’s ever been before.
My partner has been very understanding - but won’t be forever.
I see my partner once a week - on a Saturday from 6pm until 11pm
If I get home to Dad any later he yells, screams and tells me I’m a mad bit.h! He also starts ranting about my partner.
I dread these nights so much - it ruins the night before it even starts.
I have told Dad if he doesn’t change his attitude I’m leaving - but I don’t even think he realises the impact that will have on him.
His GP has tried to suggest he goes on Anti Anxiety Medication but has refused.
He told me to call the Police as his GP is trying to kill him.
I love my Dad very much - he has been an amazing Father - but I can’t live like this for much longer.
Any advice will be much appreciated
1. If he has dementia - this could be a form of "Shadowing" where he wants to know where you are at all times, what you are doing, when you will be back and needs to know where you are physically all the time. Does he follow you around the house and need to be in the same room all of of time? My grandmother does this with my mom. She feels like she can't breathe it's gotten so bad and mom says she feels like a teenager - my grandmother literally checks in on her every single time she leaves the house for even 5 minutes or she's out of her sight.
2. Has he always been a controlling person? If so, dementia exacerbates personality traits in a lot of cases and makes them worse.
3. A lot of the men in that generation unfortunately (not all, but a good number) just feel like women have a certain role - if your father has always felt like that - he may be casting you in that role now. I know my FIL went from my MIL in that role to my SIL when she became his caregiver. And they don't like to share them with anyone else. And unfortunately if it is incredibly embedded in their personality - they don't like or appreciate it when they don't play the role they are assigned. (read: when you behave perfectly naturally)
You have a perfect right to live your life. You are going to have to ascertain what is dementia and what is part of his normal personality. But you can't reason with dementia. You can't be held hostage. Is there a way to get a caregiver to stay with him at home while you go out? Or a friend to visit? What happens when you leave? You say he gets nasty but what does that mean? Does he do things to himself or does he just yell and act mean? Does he destroy the house or just act like a PITA and sulk? A lot depends on his behavior and whether it escalates. With dementia - if he is getting violent you are really going to have to consider what level of behavior you can manage and if you need to get the doctor involved and whether he might need medication interventions -and if he it escalates - how long you will be able to keep him home if "nasty" means more "bite" and less "bark" if you know what I mean.
Is he living with you? Or vice versa? How long have you been his caregiver? Do you work? How did you end up becoming his caregiver?
I hope you have not sacrificed your own financial future to take care of him.
If you have moved in with him and the home is in his name, that is where some of the problem may lie as technically it is his house and you are a guest.
With dementia one never knows what is around the corner, some bullies become docile and others that were docile become aggressive.
You have to set your boundaries and stick to them, there are some great books out there which will be of great help to you for doing this.
If he berates you stand your ground, tell him that if he doesn't stop you will leave and come back when you are ready, if he starts, tell him that you are leaving and leave, if you stick to this routine he should back off because you are not standing for his bad behavior.
I would also talk to his doctor about this there are meds that can help him. He may also get to the point that you will have no option except to place him in MC. If he becomes physically violent
You are entitled to a life, it is time for you to take back your power.