It’s becoming extremely frustrating for me and my brothers to have a conversation with him or anyone for that matter. He has the financial means to afford better quality hearing aids, but he refuses to and he is stubborn. He mentioned to me that his hearing loss is at 80% and according to his doctor, he is only hearing at 20% even with hearing aids.
When face to face having a conversation with him, I can see him reading my lips to figure out what I’m trying to say. I don’t feel comfortable with him driving because he has crashed his car a few times how do I convince my dad that he shouldn’t be driving anymore? He is very stubborn and independent. I fear for his safety and others. Well, he is driving with such impaired hearing and his right leg is starting to not function correctly. He tells me that he had a recent driving test. And that he “passed with flying colors” , but my family and I are skeptical about that conclusion.
Would the idea of him learning sign language be helpful? Any input would be helpful. Our family is at wits end what to do to help him hear better and convince him that he no longer should be driving due to extreme hearing loss and many car accidents.
With the DMV you pass or fail. there is no box that is checked with "passed with flying colors"
If the examiner had any qualms about his ability he would have been asked to return and he would have "failed" that attempt.
there are many hearing impaired people that drive. The difference is they use their other abilities to make them safe(r) drivers.
I think at this point communication is best by notes, white board and maybe a tablet.
When having a conversation speak in lower tones, higher pitched voices will be lost. I am sure you know speak slowly and enunciate your words. When a group of you are together 1 person should be talking at a time not a bunch of you.
There are phones that are available for the hearing impaired.
I also suggest that you have other safety measures put in place.
A strobe light for the Smoke and Carbon Monoxide alarms.
There are also flashing lights for doorbells and the phone if he has a landline.
Confabulation and making up stories is another symptom of dementia. Telling you stories of how he's passed a recent driving test with flying colors is a likely example.
Get dad to the doctor for a cognitive evaluation if possible, as unlikely as that may be. But be there WITH him or he'll likely tell you he passed the MoCA or SLUMS test with flying colors too 😑
Unfortunately, in cases like this, we often have to take matters into our own hands. I was very lucky that my father willingly gave up his license after having 3 very small fender benders involving no other vehicles. He also had no dementia going on, just neuropathy in his legs and feet which led to his foot falling off the gas or brake pedal. I got them moved to my state and set up in a senior living apartment with a mini bus to take them around. I also helped out as needed.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I went to a Disabilities dinner with a friend. The speaker talked about hearing loss. The first thing she said was "Just because someone wears a hearing aid, does not mean they hear". Take Dad back to his audiologist. He should be going every year. Not for new hearing aides but just for a check up. (My husband is allowed a new hearing aid every 3 yrs. He just went, hearing aid still fine so he did not get a new one) In the check up the audiologist can check for ear wax and remove it. The hearing aid will be checked for old tubing and wax. Wax in the tube will effect hearing.
Signing...not sure if at 90 he could grasp it. Most people who sign have done it since they were children and their children learned it at a very young age. My DH already talked so he did not learn to sign and we are talking about the 50s. As said, his accidents are not because he does not hear, the deaf drive. It may be his age and reflects. He can be tested at DMV. Maybe you could drive with him to see what his problems are before reporting.
She has been deaf in one ear sence child hood. So she only needs aids for one year.
Anyways she finally got them. In the office she said they were great. She was very excited about them. Now 2 weeks later, I see no difference in her. My conclusion is what I was expecting, that her brain is dieing and it's taking what we say longer to get in there. So I'm wondering if that's a little of what's going on with dad
Something like, when you eat to fast and it takes your brain a longer time to realize your full, then your way to uncomfortably full.
It's taking time, when I talk to her for her to think, react and answer.
Also moms been a lip reader my whole life. When my dads ears got bad , I couldn't understand why mom, could understand better, when her ears where much worse, and it dawned on me that she reads lips. That's why I didn't think the aids where going to help.
Many older adults may not consider being hard of hearing to be much of a problem, but more of a natural result of aging. It may be thought of more as Your problem, than their own.
You may have to involve a Third Party over cutting out the driving. Or, in managing it , yourselves, maybe hide the car keys, disable the car, or whatever else you can do, but coming onto him over All the issues you have with him may only cause him to become more stubborn, and more defensive.
We live in a Noisy World. Tuning the "noise" out can start with Home. I've known hard of hearing people who also had implants, and wear hearing aides, but would often remove them, and were not all that happy, having the implants done. They had grown used to the Peace and Quiet so much that their first reaction to hearing, at last, was shock and disbelief at how Shrill it all sounds. Hearing birds sing was a treat, but forget it if our elders will follow orders to reinsert hearing aides everyday , so to hear YOU continuously repeating orders for them to follow.
Learning Sign Language may also be something only important to You, and may not appeal to him at His Age. I'm sure he has his Own sign language, and hope, for Your sake, it's not all Negative.
He's 90. Give him a break. We had very similar complaints about my FIL until he suddenly died. It was Convenient for US to complain about all the similar complaints and how stubborn he was. Why don't you offer to take him to a favorite activity he enjoys and where you can shut the World around you OUT. Literally-Take Him Out to the Ball Game, or similar. Or live with regret.
Do not concern yourself that he's not "listening" to YOU . Why should he?
My hubby (78) was almost deaf in one ear, so I convinced him to see an ENT doctor. Turned out hubby wasn't deaf, that over the years the wax in his ear became as hard as concrete. It was so far down in the ear canal that a regular doctor wouldn't have seen it. It took many different tries to break up that wax and using different solutions, finally one did the trick, so the ENT was able to break apart the wax and vacuum out. Hubby can hear again :)
Please note that deaf people drive every day without having any accidents, their other senses become more acute, but these people are much younger. It's your Dad's age that is one problem as our judgement with driving slows down with each new year. Note that Sign Language isn't easy to learn, especially if one isn't a good speller, plus you need to think quickly. Better to use a white-board to write down what to say, Dad can erase it and write his answer.
The driving may be due to early dementia, etc, not his hearing. Should that be the case, remove the car, but still retain ways you can keep him happy and entertained, and social, and enjoying this narrowing window of opportunity in his Life whilst you may! Be thankful he's not totally mentally gone, disabled, or bedridden . Try not to confuse his stubbornness with what becomes his Will to Live a Fuller Life and try to help him out over that.
Extreme stubbornness is usually the first indications of dementia (and lying -- or a delusion -- about passing a recent driving test).
This past spring, here is how I got my 95-yr old Mom to stop driving:
As her assigned PoA I needed a letter of sufficient incapacity from her primary doctor. I went into her medical portal and requested she get discretely tested, then I made up an excuse for her to go to that appointment. You can tell your Dad that he will be assessed for "free" hearing aids, or that he will get some sort of big discount on something if he goes in for a free Medicare annual wellness test. THis is called a therapeutic fib. If you don't have access to his online portal you can call his primary's nurse to explain what you need them to do. They will cooperate, I've done this twice already (once with my MIL and now with my Mom).
Make sure to tell them that he has become a dangerous driver. His primary may write up an order to have him virtually assessed through Occupational therapy (this is what happened to my Mom). At this assessment she failed totally. The OT then writes up the result and it went into my Mom's medical record, where her primary saw it. As mandated reporters, the primary sent the failure on to the Dept of Public Safety, who cancelled her license.
You can also report him as an unsafe driver online to the Dept of Public Safety, or the DMV. You will need all the info off his driver's license and give them specific incidents or reasons. They will likely send out a letter telling him to come in for a test (usually an eye exam). Don't let him see the letter, make sure no one takes him to the test. They will not renew his license.
Before doing all this, disable his vehicle in a way that makes him think it is broken (so that he doesn't report it as stolen). Then offer to have it "towed" to the repair shop. Take the keys. Tell him it's a very expensive repair and will take some time. Tell him whatever fib you think he will accept.
It's not hearing loss that is the most dangerous problem with his driving, it is his executive functioning (judgment).
I hope someone is his PoA... if not you may need to pursue guardianship for him in the courts. I wish you success in helping him and keeping others on the road safe.
I had given my. mother an iPad a few years ago. We texted back and forth for important conversations using that. That worked very well for us.
I would definitely take the car keys away, It sounds like time.
Good luck navigating this.