I recently moved back to Florida to be closer to my aging parents after 30 years of living in a different state. My older brother (51) who lived just a few miles away from my parents and helped them from time to time suddenly just passed away from a fatal heart attack. We were all so shocked and unprepared for this next phase of our lives without my brother. I am 49 and the ONLY child of 2 aging parents now.
I decided to buy a small house a few miles away from my parent’s house to be close to them especially now that they have no-one at all involved in their lives. They have lived in the same house and neighborhood for almost 30 years and somehow they have found a way to completely isolate themselves from the world. They have NO friends or family members AT ALL. Just me.
I was not aware of this when I decided to quit my job and dismantle my entire life to move closer to them.
My mother is 78, beginnings of dementia, OCD, agoraphobic and mental illness. My father is 76, bipolar, and has other mental issues but otherwise healthy and handles most everything for my mom and the household.
With my limited savings, I decided to take some time off from work and settle into my new lifestyle, try to make new friends and a new life. I am a single mom and my 16 year old daughter lives with me. (She too started a new life).
Here is my dilemma…..
My father comes over my house almost every day unannounced!!
He never calls to warn us he’s coming over. He just shows up!!
He shows up during all times of the day/night sometimes even 2x a day.
He popped in a dropped off a pizza yesterday, he thinks that a pizza makes his behavior ok.
Sometimes he stops by just to gossip about my mother and her deteriorating health.
He barges in the front door without knocking and expects me to stop what I’m doing to entertain him.
He will walk in my house, make himself a cup of coffee sit on the couch and start talking about my brother and how devastated he is and starts crying and moaning about how much he misses him.
Sometimes he stays for 3 hours
If the front door is locked, he will walk around the back yard and peek in the windows and knock on them until I stop what I’m doing and frantically open the front door.
He walked in on my daughter while she was getting out of the shower the other day and I think we have developed PTSD from all of this.
He is nosey and asks my daughter intrusive questions about how I am able to afford to live without a job and how much my bills are.
He pretends to come over to help fix a leaky faucet or fix a broken tile and carries a tool box but ends up just wanting to talk and ask intruding personal questions or cry about my dead brother or gossip about my deteriorating mother.
I am not accustom to having an open door policy and do not appreciate my father stopping by, dropping in, barging into my house unannounced and so frequently. I feel he is very inapropriate. I have gently asked him over 10 times if he could please stop coming over to my house everyday but he will take a break for 2 days and the same cycle starts over again. I feel guilty because they are alone but I can not fill the void they have and be depended upon to entertain my dad everyday!
This has been going on for 5 months now and I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I am about to sell my house and move back to where I came from and never come back again!
My daughter and I are so depressed with PTSD symptoms and feel like we can’t make a new life because of my dad and his demanding, intruding and obnoxious habits. My mother does not know about this and I doubt she would even fully understand. I know my father needs an outlet but I don't want to be it!!
I don’t know what else to do, he just won’t respect my boundaries.
Is his behavior part of the aging process?
It sounds as though your father has significant mental illness. He needs the help of professionals.
How much thought went into uprooting yourself and your daughter? It sounds like it was a very illadviswd move. Your first obligation is to your minor child. You need to make sure that she has a safe, secure and unambivalently accepting home base from which to launch.
You are being distracted from your primary jobs in life (to work, be productive, secure your own retirement and launch your child) by parents whose jobbit was to secure their future.
They have Social Security, a home and access to social services. Arrange for a visit from the Area Agency on Aging. Tell them that you are here temporarily to set up care. And get back to your life.
After all you wrote, what you said in the end is the only thing that makes any sense to me. You have a daughter who is at a crucial juncture in her life and now you are not working, are in fact perhaps going through savings you are going to need. I am fearful for you both.
My advice is something I don't even know whether is advice or just telling you what I would personally do. Hon, I would run like crazy. That's just me. I have always admitted here I am a bit of a coward, and not up for hands on this kind of care, but I could not do this. My only strong suit is I know my limitations, and I am very limited. I would be out like a shot. I am 77. You have parents both younger than me. In today's day and age they could live well into their 90s. Are you ready to sacrifice your life to this.
Without you they are alone and without anyone. I understand what I am saying. They would eventually be wards of the system.
I will tell you right now that the more inmeshed in this you become, say taking on POA or Guardianship, the more you will not be able to move away. And the more loss for you will literally risk your own sanity trying to give care in this manner.
If you suspect your parents are endangered then it has to be a call for wellness checks after you are gone.
I know how hard it will be--I imagine how difficult that is to say, to leave. But if you stay, this is your life. No. Worse. Your life will get worse. And no, your Dad won't respect your boundaries, and it will get worse.
I am so sorry. Wish you had visited before you made this move.
You really shouldn't "move back". Dad is going to need you as Mom progresses. I have a feeling you are going to have to be a little "mean". Sometimes that is the only way to be. Sit him down and look him in the eye. Tell him he CANNOT just come over when he wants. You are not comfortable with an "open door" policy. He needs to respect your privacy. If he can't do it, you will move back to your previous home. He needs to call if he wants to visit. Which will not be everyday. Tell him in this Day and Age people do not "drop in" anymore. When he does visit you can nicely say "Dad, its time to go home" after an hr or so. You don't have to sit and talk to him. Keep doing what you were doing. Go where you planned on going.
Maybe you should find a job. Even part-time. This way you have a good excuse, sorry Dad I have had a hard day. Sometimes being blunt is the only way to be. My MIL was an early riser, I wasn't. I upset her one time telling her that I really don't like company before 12 noon. I worked f/t at the time and the weekend was the only time I could sleep in.
And let me tell you, even with cooperation, it was a hard, hard road.
By contrast, I have watched relatives and close friends deal with parents suffering from mental illness, entitlement issues and life-long enmeshment. It's a destructive course. I wonder, parenthetically, if your brother's heart ailments might not have been exacerbated by frustration from caring for your parents.
The confounding factor here is your daughter. She is my primary concern (and should be yours). It is not fair to ask her to give up her life, her privacy, access to her friends and accustomed school in favor of your caregiving for your parents.
I would move away with your daughter, to keep her off his radar.
Your parents are not that old, they can take care of themselves now, you can always come back later, after your daughter is on her own.
Could you sell your father on moving into AL? There would be more company, and different things for him to do, as well better care for your mother. You could play up how difficult she will be for him as her health deteriorates, particularly as ‘you unfortunately have to move back home again’. You could take your father to see a few AL places, and get him to see it as positive for him, particularly socially. Your daughter might find it good for morale to know that you are working on a positive plan, and add her own support for the move.
If this worked, you could get well away but still feel that you have achieved something. It might also help you to cope with the extra pressures that are bound to come in the next 10 years, unless you leave and cut contact completely.
Or lock all of the doors, put your shades down and REFUSE to answer the door. He will only respect your boundaries if you enforce them. You may have to go to extreme measures to enforce them. Right now - he keeps pounding until you answer. Don't answer - put on headphones. You need to out last him.
I would not let him in my house but see them at their house. If they start intrusive questions - excuse yourself and leave.
Depending on your financial circumstances - you might have to move.
Invite him for set times and stick to them. If you can cope with 2 hrs then make some that long - others might be only an hour. If you have to, see him to the door and drive off in your car. If he arrives outside those times just tell him when you are expecting him and say it’s inconvenient now. Put a chain on your door and use it so he can’t barge in.
Put a big notice on the bathroom door called courtesy rules and a subheading to knock first if door shut and wait to see if occupied. Yell if he breaks that rule.
When he cries about your brother or gossips about your mum - that’s a toughie - though there may be help from their doctor since it sounds like they need more help than you can provide alone. And just maybe suggesting it might get him to stop since he might not want a doctor involved.
Re the intrusive questions - if he questions your daughter her reply to him is quite simple “I don’t know as it’s none of my business.” Repeat as nes. If he then starts questioning you just smile and say it’s “ok dad - no need for you to worry.” The next time “dad you’ve asked me that - it’s fine’ 3rd time and onwards “ dad - stop it - i don’t cross question you repeatedly”.
You moved for a new life and to help them. The new life includes going out with new friends or to hobbies - not being indoors for him to visit when he chooses.
He may be offended - tough. He will learn you mean it if you stick to it all during the first few tough times.
Good luck and stay firm so you get your new life and still feel happy to help them as you’d originally planned.
My life was somewhat normal and peaceful before, so how can 2 little aging people cause so much unhappiness and pain in ones life?? I haven't even begun discussing my mother's problems!!
You are right. Guilt is the only reason I would stay.
Thank you for the reply.
Do whatcha gotta do here, my friend. And all the best of luck
Moving a bit away so that you can do visits and checks but it's too inconvenient for them would be a good thing.
Also, even mentally ill people have grief and loneliness. Your dad needs someone to help work him through his grief as well as dealing w y our mom. Perhaps the best you can do is arrange for caregivers to go there regularly and make sure they are cared for, on any meds they need to have and getting adequate medical and counseling care.
But dad's behavior, to me, signals someone who is fixating on your young daughter. As a "survivor" my advice is GET HER AWAY FROM THERE.
Now, if they are truly willing to listen to advice (at least your father), then you can steer them toward AL, home help, senior center, etc. etc. - some actual solutions. And you can do this from a distance, perhaps more effectively than if you were right there and your sanity was being impacted by the immediate day to day issues. Be very careful about guilt - it is an emotion, BUT it is crucial to examine the situation and see if guilt is truly warranted. Reason, not emotion.
So far, you are not trapped - please get away before you are.
Tell Dad again "please call me first to make a time to visit that suits us BOTH. I expect that courtesy".
If he continues to drop by, tell him again & also say you will not open the door next time. Then keep to that.
I had to do that to a SIL. She lives very close & jusy kept on & on ignoring my request. She expected (as we were family) that she could pop round anytime she felt like it - said I could too but I pointed out she had previously asked all family to txt her (not phone) as being a shift worker she did not want to be disturbed by a phone ringing!! (Let alone visitors!) She still didn't see the double standard... so I just didn't open the door the next few times she visited. She then started calling my mobile from the porch instead. My husband & I realised she has no ability to plan ahead. All her holidays are *last minute deals*, she does everything (except work) spur of the moment. We can't change her but if I am home alone I keep quiet & just don't open the door (she assumes I've gone for a walk). My husband dislikes it but lets her in & bustles about her doing whatever he was doing, giving zero attention & ignoring her. He will often go outside & start mowing the lawn or turn on a power tool! I need to bet better at this!
Let your Dad bang & hollar. If it gets too scary though, you may need to call the Police.
I'm pretty sure (if in your shoes) I would move back. Wear the disruption & costs but chalk it up as life experience - a good investment towards creating a better guilt-free future for you: where Dad arranges his own life, or if he can't, a guardian is appointed (may be you if you choose) & your parents are moved to AL, Memory Care whatever their needs are & funds allow. Where you are still a caring daughter - who phones to say hello & arranges social workers/case manager or whatever by phone. Just not the hands-on maid, driver, all emotional support & entertainment.
Explain to your parents you have been greatly saddened by the loss of your brother, but it's time to return to your life now.
Good luck & keep posting if it helps you.
Do you like living there? Does your daughter? The two of you have to decide for yourselves where you choose to live.
It’s sweet of you to be concerned. You can still call and talk to him. You can visit when you are able to make a trip to see him.
Sorry that you have been so stressed.
I think I would return to my home if I were miserable. Guilt isn’t a good reason to stay.
Take care.