First off, please know my dad is amazing and the sweetest most selfless person Ive ever known. He’s always been quiet, calm, passive with a twist of witty and humor. I’ve never heard him curse or say anything vulgar. He’s also a very modest man. I am struggling with his actions lately. He has been fixated on me, his youngest daughter. He’s 80 and I am 48. He lives next door (50 ft) from my house. My mom passed away just a couple of years ago. No one else visits unless they want or need something from him (it seems). Anyway. He’s started making comments like (molest, orgie, sexual thoughts he’s imagining) I just responded with “that’s not very nice daddy”. He tells me he loves me a million times in a day over the phone or when I take him supper. And he wants to hug me constantly and pats me in a flirtatious way. He’s never been much of a hugger. I’ve tried to distance myself and have decided not to go over alone. Am I being overly cautious and how do I respond to him? My heart is breaking because while I know that is not him I don’t want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him.
Because this is a "sexual" issue everyone gets bent out of shape, yet we can easily chalk off a demented elder saying horribly ugly things to us! Oh it's just the disease. So is THIS! That's not to say any inappropriate sexual behavior should be tolerated, or that dad should go out on his own to touch strangers or children. No. But it should be treated immediately and his doctor should be notified, as they would with any other abnormal behavior.
OP, steer clear of dad until he's been treated and the meds are working. Nobody wants to see such behavior from their father, NOBODY. Nor do we want to see ANY dementia take over an elders life and completely morph them into a stranger we no longer know.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I get bent out of shape over any kind of abuse. Dementia or not no one has to put up with a pervert j**king off to porn night and day in their house. That's abuse.
When the "disease" gets to the point where abusive behaviors are ruining lives and wrecking families it's time for memory care or a nursing home.
Whether with or without a husband at your side it is time for a sitdown with dad. You will tell him that you are made very uncomfortable by any "sex talk" from him. That it is inappropriate and very hurtful to you. That if he cannot control doing this, then you cannot visit with him any more, nor be a support to him, and this will mean he will need to enter nursing home care sooner rather than later.
That there will not now or in future be any hugging or touching from him EVER.
You are going to have to lay down rules now. You will be surprised to know that it IS IN HIS ABILITY to obey them. If he cannot, then indeed he needs to enter care.
You are going to have to stop being tentative and weak on this. That doesn't work. You have to be positive and strong and stop even a hint of this AT ONCE and with outrage.
This is a very unpredictable desease. Things just flit threw their minds. And sometimes they act on it with no understanding of whats going on. No, its not Dads fault but you need to protect yourself. You need to tell him his feelings are wrong. I am glad you realize its time for Dad to be placed. Good Luck.
How do you "respond to him." You say "NO. That's not ok." Be verbally aversive and stand up for yourself.
It's hard for me to believe, sorry, that anyone is this calm, flowery, and descriptive about being sexually targeted by their father, "early dementia" or not. Forgive me if I'm wrong.
If you want attention, here it is. If you want advice, here it is.
Your father needs to be told very plainly indeed by you that his behavior is inappropriate, disgusting, wrong in every way, and will not be tolerated by you. Even people with dementia many times still possess some level of self-awareness.
How is it that you worry about hurting and embarrassing him because he has dementia and can't help it, yet he's still allowed to live alone in his house?
If your father's dementia is at the point where he engages in sexualized behavior towards his own daughter, then his condition is more advanced than you think it is.
He belongs in a memory care facility or needs a 24-hour caregiver. He should not have a waking moment that isn't supervised.
His hyper sexual behvaior may not stay restricted to you. He may decide to go for a walk some day and attempt to molest and sexually assault a girl or woman that he finds attractive and end up getting hurt himself or worse.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years. I've had many old and young men on my service who had dementia or were mentally ill and therefore not responsible for their behaviors and actions.
There have been more than a couple who were hyper sexual and who got handsy.
Believe me when I tell you this, I was never above physically defending myself. A couple times the pepper spray came out. There have been men shoved to the ground by me, and one crowned in the face with a skillet. No means no and stop means stop. If that point has to be made with violence by a female like myself, it will not trouble us.
A sexual predator is a sexual predator dementia or not and will be treated like one by everyone else. He needs constant supervision now either at home or in a memory care facility.
Please take your father to his doctor for an assessment of his needs. He needs supervision at this time of life and if it cannot be provided at home it can be at a memory care facility.
So u don't feel alone, I found the other post similar to ur problem.
People put parental disablers on computers as well as on tv's.
The constant masturbation is something no one has to put up with.
I had a client years ago that had to go to a nursing home for a while. He had to have his room changed because his roommate abused himself night and day. No one has to put up with that or with porn in their home.
First of all, it honestly breaks my heart when people are making cruel and judgmental comments towards you, eph, when you are already in such a vulnerable place emotionally. And I want to mention, in solidarity, that the people doing so appear to have made a habit of it, since I too have received similar comments of sheer disbelief and condemnation from them in the past. Perhaps reporting their comments will get the mods involved, idk.
Secondly, the people who mentioned that medication is the best way to manage hypersexual behavior were being the most compassionate. It's not even difficult to carefully reduce or eliminate someone's sexual impulses with certain medications. So you don't need to shout at your dad or whisk him off to a care home and never visit him again, at all. Just check in with his doctor, they'll be able to help you.
Finally, the fact he's experienced such a drastic change within a few short weeks is very concerning in itself. It could be a brain tumor or lesion or mini-stroke or who knows what. But since you're already doing all you can to sort that out with medical tests, I won't harp any more on that.
"It's not even difficult to carefully reduce or eliminate someone's sexual impulses with certain medication." I hope all these myriad missing citations there have wonderful clinical outcomes. It's not practical for the layperson to trust in yet-proven medication intervention for the single-subject whose daily care they are in charge of.
Get the treatment, yes, of course. In the meantime...
It remains to be seen if this works for their dad.
Parent. Child. Sexual aggression behaviors. Thems the facts.
And the caregiver in this situation matters much more than someone who is in cognitive decline.
You're a doll. I disagree, respectfully.
I wouldn't advise anything except to remove oneself from the situation and wait for improvement.