Good morning all! My father (abusive, toxic all my life) (sometimes nice) blames me for causing his Parkinson’s.
I’m a good son. I’ve worked hard all my life. Successful. I’m an only-child. Divorced parents. I help him any way I can (he asks me for my help).
My father picks on me (my whole life; also before Parkinson’s started).
My father is now 80.
Parkinson’s started at 60.
He’s been tested many times for dementia (recently last week). Sound mind.
From the beginning (age 60), he said I caused it. He told me Parkinson’s can be caused by stress/psychological factors. He repeatedly, over many years, told me I caused it. (And that I’m causing it to get worse).
The problem is, that I believed him.
I know he’s abusive. But I guess a part of you tends to believe what your parents say.
(I have done nothing stressful towards my father). But still, I believed it.
I researched causes of Parkinson’s and tried to stop believing my father. I know it’s false. But it’s still in my mind.
Anyone else been falsely blamed for their LO’s illness, by their LO? How do you stop believing the accusation? Thanks in advance!
The next time he says it, say 'dad, maybe you're right. And since I feel so bad about it, maybe I should just make myself scarce and not come around anymore. I certainly don't want to make it any worse." And then follow through. Limit your communication with him since it doesn't seem to be doing anybody any good.
"He's using them to guilt and control you."
I see that now.
I said it to my father many times, over the years:
"no I didn't cause your Parkinson's"
He screams then that I did.
Thanks to many replies here, I now see clearly what he's doing:
-venting
-projection
-control tactic
"The doctor needs to set this man straight."
My father already spoke to many doctors. It doesn't matter. My father blames me.
Why?
Because abusers prefer to blame the scapegoat.
Why?
Because it makes them feel good.
Can more information help change my father's mind?
No. Because it's "more fun", "feels better" to blame someone else (me). My father has plenty of information.
Thanks for your nice intentions.
I don't need professional help.
I already feel a lot better. Already changed some things, thanks to many nice replies here.
Already stopped believing what he says.
I now see that what he's doing is:
-venting
-projection
-control tactic
THANK YOU.
You see, the trouble is, that physical illnesses sometimes, possibly, can indeed be caused by deep stress/psychological factors ---- I mean like psychosomatic symptoms (our minds deeply affect our bodies, and vice versa).
So it wasn't totally impossible, his theory.
(I have done nothing wrong against my father).
But the theory --- that Parkinson's can be caused by stress? Well, it's not totally, totally impossible as an idea.
And you know -- no matter what we read about medicine -- doctors change opinions all the time -- 50 years later they say the cause is Z and not X.
So you can't totally trust what the general opinion is, either, on causes of certain illnesses.
Anyway, the point is, I've done nothing wrong against my father.
He has had stress in his life (before Parkinson's), totally unconnected to me. But as I wrote, he blamed me for causing his illness.
"Please, please try not to let that craziness inhabit your mind for even a second."
THANK YOU. YES.
I now see the illness-blaming as just part of all the other blaming.
He just prefers to blame me for everything, and Parkinson's is just another thing on the list.
"Unhealthy people often try to blame others for their problems"
YES.
Thank you for re-affirming it's not my fault (his illness).
As you wrote:
"The description of him as abusive and toxic all his life says it all."
So, all this blaming, is all part of the same package.
The same strategy. As BarbBrooklyn wrote: my father's venting.
(against me).
Thanks!!
When I was a child my father had a stroke. My mother blamed me and, from that day on, if I disagreed with my parents or did anything “bad”, she insisted I would kill him with stress. At 18 I moved away. He died a few years later anyway.
l learned, after he died, that he’d had very high blood pressure for years before I was even born. Incidentally, he never alluded to any link between me and his health.
Now my mother has dementia. For years she blamed me. Her wildest accusation involved raging at me, demanding to know who was paying me to make her think she was losing her mind. Because she wasn’t. Her memory was fine. It was obviously my doing.
I remained calm, spoke softly, and acknowledged her anger, frustration and fear of losing control of her life. When I really wanted to yell back “Think you can match what they offered me to kill you?!?”
AWFUL, AWFUL.
And in some ways, similar to me.
I hope you didn't believe it at all (as you know, I believed it a bit --- that according to my father, stress caused his Parkinson's --- and that according to him, I had caused him stress --- but actually I was a super, sweet kid. And a kind adult).
Thanks for your message. Really.
try this, in your mind:
:) “Sorry. Yesterday was the deadline for complaints.”
this way, you simply don't accept complaints anymore (your father will continue, but you mentally block it; the deadline passed already, yesterday).
"help him"
"and learn how to ignore his insults"
Thanks for your message!
I am relieved to read on in this thread and see progress made in how you perceive and process these behaviors! As I'm sure you well know, perception is often reality to those around us.
Just wanted to point out the key difference that I see between you and your father. If too assumptive in nature, please forgive me.
- You are openly and actively seeking channels and advice on ways to manage and navigate a stress-related situation. (Yes, I'm assuming this is stressful for you!)
- Your father took little or no responsibility in managing his *perceived stress-related situation over the years.
Stress isn't all bad. It's much more critical or detrimental to health in how one is able to manage it, decompress in healthy ways and maintain levels that are sustainable.
This level of stress will continue to impact his PD among other health areas. Has he ever been open to stress-management therapies? (Would not recommend you suggesting it, but rather having a Doctor or other trusted party recommend)
I think you have never dealt with abusive parents.
Their therapy is lashing out.
They feel good when they do it, so of course they don't want to change their "therapy".
"Your father took little or no responsibility in managing his *perceived stress-related situation over the years."
He did in the sense that - lashing out against me, is what makes him feel good. Reduces his stress.
I'm doing all I can to protect myself.
Thanks!!
Two things to remember about old age and chronic illness.
Sometimes, there is no "fix".
And sometimes, there is no "best solution". There is only the least bad one.
It sounds like your dad is venting. Responding with "I love you" is an awesome and sweet reply to his negativity.
I just saw an excellent post by Janine5432, where she talks about that.
Old is old. You can't fix old.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/im-constantly-nervous-worried-how-does-everyone-else-manage-473796.htm
"It sounds like your dad is venting."
YES. And only against me.
I'll protect myself.
"Responding with "I love you" is an awesome and sweet reply to his negativity."
I do it all the time: various nice sentences. I always speak nicely.
But for the 1st time today, I see what he's doing.
So it affected me much less.
Thanks!!
I hope your day's going great!
You suggested to me:
"stop all contact with him."
I'll continue contact. I will help my father. I love him very deeply.
Again, thanks for your warning:
"If you can't separate yourself from his abuse then you need to go no contact. He will destroy you long before he is 6 feet under."
I promise, I won't let anyone destroy me.
Update on my progress:
Really, it's the 1st time I see what's happening:
-control tactic
-projection
Until now (of course I know many of the things I hear are untrue), the pattern was kind of like this:
-My father says some negative thing X (which sometimes sounds valid) (let's say X doesn't concern me, it's just a complaint about something unrelated to me)
-I used to try to deal with X then; fix; think of solutions
(Over and over, same pattern)
Today I saw:
...that the complaint/negative things...have really (there are a few exceptions) NOTHING to do with a REAL thing...
...I mean it is REAL. But it' just an opportunity to say something NEGATIVE.
For the 1st time today, I didn't deal with X:
I just told myself (control tactic, projection), just wants to talk about negative things. Ignore.
I kindly said, "I love you", and that I had to go (which is true).
Thanks! I'm making progress.
He is lucky to have you.
Your father has used you as his scapegoat all your life to blame his problems. That's abuse and there's no two ways about it.
I too was a family scapegoat. My mother blamed all the world's evils on me since I was a little kid. She was so expert at her blame game that she even found a way to convince herself that I was in part responsible for my sibling's drug-related death. I didn't speak to her for almost six years after that one. I have zero tolerance and zero patience for this kind of nonsense. The child scapegoat/abusive parent relationship gets worse the older and needier the parent gets. That's why you have to be strong for yourself and out yourself first. Not your father. If you still want to help him, it has to be on your terms, not his.
When he starts up with the asinine nonsense that you caused his Parkinson's disease, I want you to tell that if he really believes that nonsense that you will have zero contact with him. That you will think of him as dead, then he can be thankful to you for curing his Parkinson's disease. Then have nothing to do with him but leave the door open. If he wants to reach out to you, he will. I had had enough of her crap and cut her out of my life. When I did this, she talked about me something terrible to my whole family but they took her words with a grain of salt because they knew how it was. She even made attempts at contacting my then husband and his family as well to establish a connection with me. They didn't bother with her because they knew too. I left a door open if she wanted to communicate with me directly, but it would be on my terms not hers. When she started getting needy she reached out to me and I helped her. I'm her caregiver now. I don't tolerate a moment of stubbornness, instigating, scapegoating, complaining, or guilt tripping attempts. Not one moment. She knows that if dementia shows up to the party I will not care for her. This is hard for her to understand because I've been an in-home caregiver as employment for almost 25 years. I explained that the all the scapegoating, gaslighting, and abuse put on me since I was a little kid is the reason why I would have zero patience with dementia-related abuse if it came from her now or in the future. We get along well enough and have for some time.
I think this is how you will have to be with your father if you want to have any kind of relationship for him.
"Your father has used you as his scapegoat all your life to blame his problems. That's abuse and there's no two ways about it."
Yes, now I see that ALL of the blaming belongs to the same package.
It's all the same thing.
It's not just "blaming for the illness", and "blaming for other things". They all belong together:
-control tactic
-venting
-projection
"The child scapegoat/abusive parent relationship gets worse the older and needier the parent gets."
I see that clearly now. I wouldn't have guessed several years ago. He had become nicer. But now that he's having a lot of trouble, he's getting very mean.
"If you still want to help him, it has to be on your terms, not his."
YES.
"She was so expert at her blame game that she even found a way to convince herself that I was in part responsible for my sibling's drug-related death."
AWFUL.
"My mother blamed all the world's evils on me since I was a little kid."
Similar to me.
"I'm her caregiver now. I don't tolerate a moment of stubbornness, instigating, scapegoating, complaining, or guilt tripping attempts. Not one moment."
GOOD.
"We get along well enough and have for some time."
Good!!
"I think this is how you will have to be with your father if you want to have any kind of relationship for him."
THANK YOU. I'll be very careful!!
Now getting a life limiting disease is not something your Dad needs to feel responsible for getting. It's just bad luck. But to blame it on someone? Weird & wrong. Blame it on your adult child? Extra weird & wrong. Blame it on your adult child-carer? Head shakingly weird & wrong.
I'd be very tempted to tell him to grow up. That he sounds like a 2 year old.
THANKS SO MUCH.
Hello Margaret McKen,
Thanks! Now I see what you mean (Christian reference).
My father is a very good man.
BUT: towards me ----- he's very kind, and very mean. BOTH.
Throughout his life (now too), he lives his life, with true honor and goodness.
It's just how he behaves towards ME.
Many people on this forum are the scapegoats, picked on.
Like me.
What I'm saying is, there is nothing evil/devil, or anything like that.
Yes, it's very wrong what he does towards me.
BUT, he's in reality, a very good man.
Other issue:
If I say anything like you said (‘Yes, of course Dad, I did it deliberately’. ) --- he will quote me forever.
I won't do that.
However, I'm already putting into practice many solutions suggested here.
And the 1st thing I saw today, on my kitchen table was my piece of paper that says:
-he'll destroy you
-control tactic
-projection
Have a great Monday, all!
:)
So then I think you have a good plan to put reminders out for yourself, so when your dad says hurtful things or ticks you off then you can channel that differently instead of internalizing it. You can work on ignoring those triggers, too, by being more aware of when your own emotional wires have tripped and then do a competing behavior instead of saying anything back to him or letting him continue to verbally attack you. (You could go to another room, or some other behavior that is incompatible with being verbally accused.)
It has been exceptionally difficult for me to ignore verbal triggers from my own family because they're always poking in that same old place from childhood and the past 40 years, and the patterns of dysfunctional interaction are long set. It's a habit: both on their part and on mine in how I receive the verbal messages. I'm a bit better now at ignoring but it's been a process of learning the tools and implementing them consistently.
*The behavior of ignoring is different from using visual prompts to remind yourself that your dad is projecting, that he is controlling, or that his ire goes up towards you when he's unhappy in himself. All of this might be true, but finding a reason for your dad's behavior isn't the point imo. I added this to clarify.*
I think habit reversal awareness training, which you can teach to yourself, would be helpful. I think the visual prompts you referred to in another reply are good but also you can work towards having those internal prompts, too. And if you ignore your father and he doesn't get the reaction he was expecting, hopefully he'll stop verbally poking at you. This is known as Extinction in ABA, which I'm currently studying. The gist is: If you do not reinforce the behavior in any way, then it stops serving a purpose/function and will no longer be used.
I think this new behavior on your part -- ignoring -- will help your dad, too, if indeed you are causing him stress by arguing with him or anything else you're doing.
***And you didn't cause your dad's Parkinson's, and I didn't cause my dad's cancer, but I don't know how to begin to speak to "how does one stop believing" these things. Which was your only question to begin with and then I wrote a whole spiel here based on your replies haha. I hope something in my comment is helpful to you and if not, discard. Hugs.
I appreciate your kind message.
There are many degrees of toxic/abuse.
Some people will NEVER stop.
It doesn't matter what techniques you use.
Every contact (almost) can result in abuse. They don't want to stop.
You can grey rock. You can look unaffected.
Some people NEVER stop.
My father will never stop.
The reminders help me. Because:
I see what's going on behind the scenes.
I see better why/how he's doing it.
So it's much easier for me not to be affected.
He blames me?
Ah. He's projecting. (Don't listen, don't believe what he says).
He's trying to control me.
Etc.
I hope we both solve things well, AliBoBali! :)
My mother used to blame everyone on earth for everything that went wrong in her life. Never herself, ever, under any circumstances. Everything was my dad's fault, my fault, her mother's fault, God's fault, the weather's fault, the car's fault, whatever, as long as SHE didn't have to take the blame or the responsibility for her OWN actions, she was happy. That nonsense got really old really fast, and caused me to back AWAY from her rather than to do MORE for her so I could be the target of all her blame.
If you continue to 'do' for your dad, you will continue to believe you're the bad guy here, and poor dad is the victim of your bad intentions toward him. How do you stop believing the accusation? You stop taking care of the accuser and you stop dealing with him for the vast majority of the time, that's how. Then you don't hear anything he has to say, blessedly! You allow him to spend his own money on caregivers and let him blame THEM for whatever ails him. Then you go about living your own life and letting dad live his. Have dinner together once in a while and vamoose on OUT of there at the first mention of how you're causing him 'symptoms' of any kind. That's my advice.
Good luck to you.
I appreciate an OP who responds to our suggestions and queries. We often find that people pose a question and it's the last we hear of him or her.
I have read your responses one and all. It leads me to think that you are quite intelligent and even savvy.
You describe your Dad as "abusive all my life". But you seem exceptionally able to advocate for yourself. You are very agreeable and appreciative of those here who agree with you, but seem also more than capable of defending yourself when someone suggests any other way of looking at things.
You tell us that you Dad doesn't really blame you for his Parkinson's itself, but that he DOES blame you for an increase in his tremors.
Your quick responses to us makes me think that perhaps you and Dad have developed a somewhat habitual way of acting and reacting to one another. You feel he has been abusive, but you stay and I think perhaps even argue with him? Perhaps???
This would increase tremors of Parkinson's or almost any other chronic illness that has tremoring, or increase in symptoms due to an increase in adrenaline, cortisol levels, all hormonal surges in activities of that type.
So ultimately, much as I hate to think it of an abusive Dad, he may be right. Argument and dissension may increase his symptoms.
It's just possible that your being in the life of an abusive man overmuch is not only not good for YOU, but not good--just perhaps--for him.
Consider seeing Dad a whole lot less. There are many people without children in their lives at all, and they are handling Parkinson's and a whole plethora of other ills on their own.
It's worth thinking about, in any case.
You need to stand firm with you Dad. As long as he dishes it out and you take it, he will continue. My Dad was a stubborn person. Even though he knew his legs were giving out, he would not use a walker. A cane does no good when both legs are giving out. I took him out of State to a vascular doctor. By the time we got him out of the car and into the building he had to sit down. Got him in the elevator, just about had to hold him up. TG the doctor's office was right there. Next time I told him I was not taking him if he did not use a walker. He agreed, but as soon as he got home he said "take it". I learned then when u put your foot down they may comply.
Your Dad needs you more than you need him. Put on ur big boy pants and tell him firmly that you are tired of him blaming you for an illness you did not cause. If he doesn't stop, he will need to find someone else to help him. Just because he is your father, you don't have to put up with this stupid accusation. There are resources to help him. He can also go into a facility.
You have been a good son and I was a good daughter but we need to set boundries. You set the boundary for you. When Dad crosses it you stay firm. You actually have control here. Who else is going to do for him. If he keeps saying it, stop whatever you are doing and walk out or hang up. My Dad used to push my buttons and I would get up set. My DH would say he will keep doing it as long as it upsets u. They get satisfaction from upsetting you.
"Just because he is your father, you don't have to put up with this stupid accusation."
Yes.
"My DH would say he will keep doing it as long as it upsets u. They get satisfaction from upsetting you."
Absolutely true.
Thanks!!
By your logic, I should have accepted the blame when my (now ex) husband said "what you said made me hit you. It's your fault".
I DID accept them blame For a long time. Therapy helped.
"By your logic"
Not my logic.
By the way, my father doesn't blame me for what he says or does.
He blames me (this is an example) for suddenly trembling.
As I said:
I'm putting into action the various solutions. Realizing it's:
--a control tactic (my father sometimes trembles on purpose)
--projection, etc.
My mind will be refreshed. Like hitting the "refresh" button.
Mind cleared from false accusations.
Continue to have a nice Sunday! And thanks!
I'm not sure the specifics on why you are required to do things that caregivers can't handle? They can take care of all his health needs. If not, he needs to be in a facility. You don't need to be around the abusive man. I see what he's done to you. Please don't allow him to continue his absurd abuse.
The neurologist is very up-to-date. We are very much in contact.
My father is of sound mind. He's always been like this.
"I'm not sure the specifics on why you are required to do things that caregivers can't handle?"
Just some examples:
Access to bank details, handling taxes, other administrative things.
It's not very easy for my father to do that (for example, his hands tremble sometimes, pushing the right buttons for online banking isn't easy).
"I see what he's done to you. Please don't allow him to continue his absurd abuse."
Thanks!!
I wish you a good Sunday!
I would seek counseling with a professional to work on the reasoning here so you can free and clear your mind. Abusive parents cause us to form habitual habits in our thinking, roads we by habit traverse over and over. It takes great courage to explore alternative ways of thinking, breaking old habits, but it is very freeing, and once you begin to break this pattern you will understand your power as a human being, and you will be so proud of yourself.
Seek help. You are already on your way because you have researched, and on some level you already know the truth. You won't need a lot of help to form new habits of thinking, and great relief in your life. I still remember the exact day I felt the relief of breaking old habits of responding! What I felt was JOY, pure and simple. And it never even required me being angry at the person involved. It only involved my SPEAKING and at the same time BELIEVING the absolute truth, and doing it certainly, and gently. After that, no one ever had the power to make me question myself again. But, yup, it required a good counselor's guidance and help. Consider it an option.
Best of luck.
It's not as simple as you think, as in:
"Of course, I would never fall into the trap of believing such an accusation."
It's not that simple.
Let me show you.
Example:
My father trembles suddenly more.
Blames it on me.
IT IS indeed TRUE that psychological agitation can make you tremble more (with Parkinson's)!
The reality is that I said nothing bad, I just mentioned anything (could be any topic). And for whatever reason he's agitated (this is an example; it doesn't happen every time). Then -- (Ghostbusters! Who you gonna call?) ...! Similarly, Who you gonna blame? ME.
It is exactly as Graygrammie said below:
"If his bp goes up because he doesn't like something I've said to him, that's on him, not me. It is totallly a control tactic and I don't buy it any more."
In my situation:
the reality is also that my father can actually intentionally tremble more.
Again, who's he going to blame?
I thank everyone who gave me good advice below. It really helps to hear from someone else, it's not my fault:
--control tactic
--projection, etc., etc.
Wishing you a good Sunday!
I wouldn't say it to him, you'll just start an argument. Say it several times a day to a mirror.
I've actually literally, as mentioned, already started taking action, thanks to various replies to my post:
--I indeed already started repeating to myself "not my fault".
--I also have, on my kitchen table, a warning note that says:
--he'll destroy you (by the way BarbBrooklyn, he won't; I promise I'll never let that happen; I wrote 'he'll destroy you' just to warn myself)
--control tactic
--projection
--the more stressed/unhappy = the more he'll abuse = directly proportional
Dad, or caregivers can call 911 in an emergency. If dad utters one word of blame or abuse, hang up, saying "we'll speak when you you're feeling more yourself."
Hang up. His needs in no way outweigh your need for respect and kindness.
Remember that he needs you more than you need him.
Thanks for the message.
Talk therapy? No.
But I'll try the various solutions everyone mentioned. IT really helped me to hear others say: Parkinson's is not my fault. (Of course, intellectually you already know that. But it helps to hear someone else say it.)
I really think I can make good steps forward:
...with my mind (thanks to everyone's advice)
...and delegating even more; minimal, minimal contact.
Thanks!!
He deserves more than Parkinson's for all abuse he caused you as a defenseless child.
I think you need to tell your dad to go to hell and stop all contact with him. He is trying to make you feel guilty so you will take care if him, I am sure of it. Don't. Do it
I'll be careful!
Wishing you a good Sunday!!
I am - seriously - already putting into action your solutions.
(In particular, the actions that concern my mind, how to look at the situation differently).
(My major problem is the blame/abuse lingering in my mind).
I've literally taken notes of your advice.
THANK YOU.
It's his way of denying that he is causing YOU stress.
Might I ask why you need to have anything at all to do with this monster?
Your father would be better served by being in the care of dispassionate folks who can't be manipulated.
"What dad is doing is called "projection".
It's his way of denying that he is causing YOU stress."
Again -- another way of looking at it, I hadn't thought of.
Thank you!!
"Your father would be better served by being in the care of dispassionate folks"
My father is extremely kind to the caregivers.
And my father is kind to me too. He's not 100% awful to me all the time. But he's also not 100% kind to me all the time.
Why do I still help?
Because there are tasks, which caregivers can't do. I'm delegating as much as I can to the caregivers (they are awesome!!).
But there are some tasks, which can't be delegated.
I'm indeed trying to have minimal contact.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to get the blame out of my head.
Thanks everyone!!! Your words, and new ways of looking at it, help me!!