My father was diagnosed with vascular alzheimers dementia and mixed dementia 5 years ago. Though, I think his symptoms started at least 15 years ago. He has been declared indecisional. He's in his mid-80s and lives in memory care. I am his guardian. He has lived in MC for 1.5 years.
He has been stealing things. Lots of things... Things that mean nothing to him but may mean something to the other residents and probably mean a lot to their families. He takes silverware from the dining room (large amounts... service for at least 15-20 people); clothes and accessories (socks, shirts, pants, shoes, jewelry, sweaters, jackets, scarves, hats, bags); toiletries (tooth brushes, deoderant, perfumes, colognes, lotions, soaps, combs, etc.); sun glasses; reading glasses; blankets; decorative pillows; picture frames; stuffed animals; decorative plants; etc., anything not bolted down. I visit him once every week. Each time I visit, I deveop anxiety as he goes into his closet because he "wants to give me some things". He will fill up bags of the items he's stolen to give me. He will show me these items, proud to have given them to me. This really upsets, frustrates and confuses me.
As I am leaving, I drop the bags off at the nurses station for them to redistribute the items to their correct locations and owners.
I am disturbed and embarrassed by his behavior. I feel taking things from others is wrong. He sees nothing wrong with his stealing, isn't sorry about it, and thinks having these items is just fine.
Many times I have gently explained to him that these items don't belong to him and I can give them back to the correct owners. He gets upset with me and tells me the items are "his", he "bought them", his "friend gave them" to him, or I "don't appreciate anything he gives me". He has no money in the facility, by the way - and thank goodness for that because I am certain he would give people his money. They also do not go out shopping and there is nothing for purchase inside MC.
The staff is aware he takes things; I have given them permission to go into his room when he's participating in an activity to reclaim items. They never seem to get everything, though. Unfortunately, he keeps re-stealing the same items and taking more. It's a cycle that never seems to end.
Is this a normal behavior for someone with his type of dementia? Does anyone have experience with their loved one doing this? If so, how do you handle it, get it to stop?
For you to feel embarrassed or talk with your father admonishing it is futile unfortunately. It is very common in AL MC facilities and the staff is aware and many facilities inform the family to place their LO name on garments and possessions as to facilitate returning it to the original owner.
unfortunately it happens, it is just about impossible to stop it, so we learn to live with it.
Remember that this behavior is the beginning of a long journey we have been chosen to take.
Beat wishes
This type of behavior comes with the disease and the MC professionals are aware and are trained (at least they should be) to work with it. It’s good that the possessions are not being taken off the property and they can be returned.
Smart move on your part Lora to take the bags of goods to the nurses stations.
Also, the workers should be aware by now that dad is shop-stealing and should perhaps put some measures in place to keep an eye on him.
Dads actions seem to be driven by his heart to please you.❤️ 😊
It is not going to stop until he stops doing it, which he most likely will eventually.
Until then, you have to understand that you can't reason with someone whose brain isn't working properly. Stop being embarrassed by his behavior and just try to observe and understand it. All of this seems perfectly normal to him, and that is why you have to JOIN HIS JOURNEY. He is no longer on your journey. His brain is now different.
Yes, this is 'normal' behavior in Memory Care. The shoes go missing, the clothes, the personal effects. Just humor him.