My father was diagnosed with vascular alzheimers dementia and mixed dementia 5 years ago. Though, I think his symptoms started at least 15 years ago. He has been declared indecisional. He's in his mid-80s and lives in memory care. I am his guardian. He has lived in MC for 1.5 years.
He has been stealing things. Lots of things... Things that mean nothing to him but may mean something to the other residents and probably mean a lot to their families. He takes silverware from the dining room (large amounts... service for at least 15-20 people); clothes and accessories (socks, shirts, pants, shoes, jewelry, sweaters, jackets, scarves, hats, bags); toiletries (tooth brushes, deoderant, perfumes, colognes, lotions, soaps, combs, etc.); sun glasses; reading glasses; blankets; decorative pillows; picture frames; stuffed animals; decorative plants; etc., anything not bolted down. I visit him once every week. Each time I visit, I deveop anxiety as he goes into his closet because he "wants to give me some things". He will fill up bags of the items he's stolen to give me. He will show me these items, proud to have given them to me. This really upsets, frustrates and confuses me.
As I am leaving, I drop the bags off at the nurses station for them to redistribute the items to their correct locations and owners.
I am disturbed and embarrassed by his behavior. I feel taking things from others is wrong. He sees nothing wrong with his stealing, isn't sorry about it, and thinks having these items is just fine.
Many times I have gently explained to him that these items don't belong to him and I can give them back to the correct owners. He gets upset with me and tells me the items are "his", he "bought them", his "friend gave them" to him, or I "don't appreciate anything he gives me". He has no money in the facility, by the way - and thank goodness for that because I am certain he would give people his money. They also do not go out shopping and there is nothing for purchase inside MC.
The staff is aware he takes things; I have given them permission to go into his room when he's participating in an activity to reclaim items. They never seem to get everything, though. Unfortunately, he keeps re-stealing the same items and taking more. It's a cycle that never seems to end.
Is this a normal behavior for someone with his type of dementia? Does anyone have experience with their loved one doing this? If so, how do you handle it, get it to stop?
Although I doubt you can stop it, you might try modifying the behaviour by requesting certain items and rejecting others in order to maintain the interest without the impact on hapless residents...
By all means show your displeasure with his flotsam, and then say what you really want him to get: tea towels, pens, business cards, or whatever expendable items you can substitute to make you 'truly happy'.
Reward compliance as if you won Lotto and sneer at any 'worthless' diamond rings!
In his way, your father is expressing appreciation for your support - perhaps you will come to see the real value in the gesture and not the social norms.
When you visit thank dad very much and when you leave drop the items off at the desk.
I have a very funny story about this type of thing, I love cooking and baking. I suppose deep down in his brain my Husband remembered that. I went to pick him up where I had him for Day Care. My Husband ALWAYS wore a hat. I noticed as we were going to the car it was sitting slightly askew on his head. But I straightened it out and we got to the car, I got him in and he buckled in, I pulled onto the street he took off his hat and under the hat was the Food Section from that days paper. My Husband would shoplift at stores. It got to the point that when we got to the exit I would stop him by the security stationed at the door and I would frisk him. I would then hand over all the items I found in his pocket.
MC staff is well aware of the "shopping" that goes on. The important thing is they track down expensive and difficult to replace items like hearing aids, dentures, glasses and the like.
There are far more important things to stress about let this one go.
The staff does know what Dad is doing. They tell me he is not the only resident who does this. They never seem upset and they know I will return whatever he gives me or I find each week.
I find I am taken back by this particular behavior. Perhaps because it's the most recent. It's also very different from whom he was and how he was. Additionally, his dementia shows greater progression.
I need to stop reacting to it by accepting the items he gives me so I can ensure I give them to the staff and they can sort out who the items belong to. Thankfully, his facility is small, less than 40 residents and most family members have written their names on their items such as shoes, clothing, glasses and their cases. Dad doesn't like wearing his own dentures, so I hope it's safe to think he won't take anyone elses. He also refuses to wear a hearing aid, so that seems like a safe bet he won't take those, either. Well, at least for now.
Cordially accept what he gives you, express your appreciation, and return it to the staff. If you can be in his room when he is napping, go thru his “possessions” and return them to the staff. It's difficult for the staff to determine who actually belongs to what. Eventually, he will grow out of this behavior.
Diagnosis of dementia means that his brain has begun to physically change in ways that disrupt his ability to think clearly and rationally, remember, and use mental tools to manage his behavior.
YOU feel that it is “wrong” to “steal” because the parts of your brain that make decisions about right and wrong are working. HIS brain no longer works in those areas.
It is VERY TYPICAL for patients in MC units to say they want to “go home”, but if taken to another place they used to live in, will not recognize it or be content with being there.
This is normal behavior, and it is NOT your job to counsel or criticize him or “get him to stop”, especially since nothing you say will be likely to have any impact on his actions.
The MC STAFF KNOWS what he is doing, and are trained to deal with it. Enjoy the time you spend with him, and stop concerning yourself about something that he is. OT responsible for and can’t change.
Remember too, whether you “gently explain” or scream or write him a letter he WILL NOT understand or respond to your communications as you want him to, because the “tools” in his brain are no longer working.
Continue to be his attentive and loving child. It is the very best thing you can do for him.
The employees do know what Dad is doing. They tell me many residents do it as well, to a degree. They never seem upset and they know I will return whatever he gives me or I find each week.
I find I am so taken back by this particular behavior, perhaps because it's the most recent. It's also very different from whom snd how he was. Additionally, it's his dementia showing greater progression.
I agree I need to stop reacting to it by accepting the items he gives me so I can ensure I give them to the staff and they can sort out who the items belong to. Thankfully, his facility is small, less than 40 residents and most family members have written their names on their items such as shoes, clothing, glasses and their cases. Dad doesn't like wearing his own dentures, so I hope it's safe to think he won't take anyone elses. He also refuses to wear a hearing aid, so that seems like a safe bet he won't take those, at least for now.