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Hello all. Both my parents are in their mid 80s and live independently. My dad is starting to show signs of early dementia. My siblings and I rotate checking in on them. I am sure that soon we will have to start thinking about alternative care.

Had to say all of that just so you know where I stand. I come to this site to learn from the experience of others. I must say I am surprised at the lack of empathy and humanity that I see from many on this site. Our parents may not be perfect but for many of us took care of us and spent many a sleepless nights cleaning up our pooh and vomit so IMHO one good turn deserves another. I’m not saying that the OP has to bring her MIL to the home I just think that the planning for her care should be done with love and kindness.

We will all be old and dependent on others one day. I hope you all are putting enough money away to pay for your care or senior living one day. This way you won’t be a burden on anyone.

Hope you all have a wonderful day.
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DeckApe Apr 2022
Nsconti, you said, “I must say I am surprised at the lack of empathy and humanity that I see from many on this site.” Could it be that many of us think keeping a senior in a house with no outside contact is cruel? That condemning one person to be a stressed out 24/7/365 caregiver is cruel to the caregiver and to the patient whose level of care will be minimal? That a parent may want their child to thrive and grow both socially and professionally and not become a poop cleaning babysitter?

I believe it is because of empathy and love that many of us advocate not keeping our seniors in our homes. Love for the senior, love for the spouse, love for the children, and love for ourselves.
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Vjg6727,

No, I don't even think so, You have no clue what you're talking about. Throwing around all the nasty language you like does not change that fact.
There's no law saying people have to take in their elderly family members and become caregivers to them.
I challenge you to find such a law and post it here so we can all see it.
Im pretty sure no such thing exists.
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Vjg6727 Apr 2022
You throw out some seriously nasty language too. How dare you try to shut me down. You are rude. Also IF you read what I said no where in my statement did I say anything about the law. Or there being a law that says you have to take in your in-laws. You should also educate yourself fully on Medicare and Medicaid as not every person qualifies.
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Vjg6727,

I received an excellent education on Medicare because my cousin is a licensed Medicare agent (she does insurance). So she knows the ins and outs of Medicare and helped me when my father went into care.
Seniors in America over the age of 65 qualify for Medicare. True, there are some who don't like the ones who never paid into it. Those people are on Medicaid. Or their insurance coverage is from their job and part of their retirement.
Please, don't embarrass yourself further by telling me I need to get educated about Medicaid. I worked for my state's Department of Social Serices (DSS) for some time, so I know how Medicaid works.
Every senior can get care if they need it. Granted, it might not be great care or done on their terms but they can get it. There is something called a Medicaid Spend-Down. This means the senior needing care cannot hold onto assets and properties and preserve potential inheritances for their families while Medicaid picks up their tabs.
Medicaid doesn't usually pay for live-in homecare either. They do pay for care facility placement. Yes, a senior's monthly income gets taken if they go into a care facility. Yes, their assets have to be spent-down on their care before Medicaid kicks in, but Medicaid will kick in. I need to mention I'm referring to elderly American citizens. Not people illegally in the U.S. or people who have brought their elderly family members to this country then try to get them on Medicaid. I believe such people have to live here five years or around that long, I'm not certain.
YOU specifically told the OP that there would be no choice and she'd have to take her MIL in.
I'm challenging you to show some proof of that being a fact. Obviously, you're unable to produce such a thing so you go on the defensive.
Look, you are mistaken, Own it without resorting to bullying.
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 2022
Burnt, not everyone can qualify for Medicaid, not every state allows Miller trusts/qualified income trusts. Some people can't afford the thousands of dollars to set them up when they are 5.00 over the allowed income level.

There is a donut hole in some states and just because you worked for your states DSS doesn't mean you know how every state works. Sorry, not trying to be rude but, each state runs it's programs differently, so taking a stand on that doesn't help anyone because it varies and it changes.

Everyone should check for their own situation with the proper programs in their state.

So, if you have some inside information to share it would be very appreciated.
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the hate and confusion on this thread has been duly reported
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Isthisrealyreal,

Medicaid is a federal program. It is administered by each state's social services programs.
My point was a senior does not have to go without care in any state. When a senior goes into facility care, their income gets taken for their care as you know. What it doesn't cover gets picked up by Medicaid after their assets have been spent down on care.
There are seniors who are over-incomed and do not qualify for Medicaid to pay for homecare service. It happens. That doesn't mean the elder is just left to die in the street. Sometimes they have to go to facility care. You'll never hear me say that's the best option, but sometimes it's the only one and it's better than nothing.
I don't appreciate people getting told over here (not by you) in a support group that they will have no other choice than to take an elder in and provide care if the elder can't pay for themselves. This is simply not true and not helpful to anyone.
People join a group like this to benefit and learn from the experiences of others not to be told they have no choices.
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 2022
Medicaid is a federal program but, it is administered by the state and varies widely because of that.
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Oh my goodness you could be describing my Mother. I have been married 30 years to a wonderful supportive man. I would NEVER move my mother in with us. As strong as our bond is, I do believe her living with us would totally destroy it. I made the difficult decision to put my mother in a nursing home pending Medicaid approval which we just received after a 5month wait. I am in Texas if that makes any difference. Best of luck and I do hope he changes his mind.
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Seems you have stated your case very clearly in this post. Show it to him. If that doesn't "work," I suggest meeting with a counsellor to discuss her housing options and create a plan to deal with her negative behavior when you are with her - wherever you live. Please read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They outline a good method to create a plan to deal with difficult behavior. They also suggest making sure to have supportive people in your life to encourage you while implementing your plans.
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You have only been married for four years and some of these responses are treating this like a business decision. Who gives a crap whether adding an addition to your home increases the resale value. This is your everyday life we are talking about here, not a house appraisal. The issue is that you are newly married and don't really care to spend long periods of time with this woman let alone become her care giver and it sounds like she truly needs care and socialization. Neither is your responsibility, but if she moves onto the premises, it will fall back on you. Do not let anyone guilt you into taking this on...not even your husband. Help your husband find a well suited facility, help your husband get her moved, help your husband deal with the emotional fall out of having an aging parent. Do not agree to move her in, because he will not be the one managing her and her care....it will be you.
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It's a terrible idea. I moved dad in 8 years ago, he has his own living room (My old office I really wanted and I'm in the basement for work). He has a nice bright bedroom and a hall bath. We have to drive him everywhere, eat with him and we really get no privacy.
I thought it would be a good idea but now I'm not too happy nor is my wife. If you have other options take them.
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Scarlett - where are you?
My mother was in facilities and they were quite nice to very nice. Why not tour some with your hub so he can see for himself? Hands down "No" to having her live with you in an addition or otherwise. She will need more and more care. Ask him how he will provide that. It's not on you to look after her.
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If you want to be divorced in 6 months, go for it. You think you have a lot to deal with now, just wait. You, and I mean you, will have to be there for her 24/7. Making 3 meals a day, laundry, transportation, eventually bathing, changing diapers. You will lose your life. Get her in AL and get a nest camera so you can check in on her throughtout the day and night. She will have a minimum of ten people coming thru her room throughtout the day, way more than she will see at your house. They have activities and make a real effort to get them out of their room. If she choses to sit all day, so be it. It's not your responsibility to keep her entertained. That is what my MIL does all day even thought she is perfectly able to get up and do things. I couldn't take looking at a depressed, complaining person all day. She is with others like herself. An added bonus of our particular AL, which was totally unexpected, is that all the caretakers, and I mean ALL, treat her so nice and lovingly. They even help her with getting PJ's on, tuck her in bed and hug and kiss her goodnight. Some even tell her they love her. Not sure she would get that at our home. Stand your ground on this one.
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Why do you need to convince him of ANYTHING?? He can’t move anyone into the marital home without your consent. This isn’t 1930. If you file for divorce and can’t agree on handling assets, a judge will order the house sold. Reminding him of these truths should straighten him out, unless of course a divorce is what he’s really after.
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