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My husband is blind to what caring for his mother has done, and is doing, to our family. His mother has early onset dementia and, as an only child, he has made it is mission to provide for her. He wants to give her the best possible life and refuses to acknowledge that us in our 30's should not be responsible for this.
I have expressed while it is unfortunate but her care is going to bankrupt us both financially and emotionally. We have done therapy but it becomes a lot of the same talking points. He could not live with putting his mother who is in her 60's in MC. She would have to go on Medicaid but her cognitive ability is heavily impaired so MC is where she would end up.
I do not know how to convey what our family is going through. Our son is suffering the most. He went from having a full-time parents to parents who are walking a tight rope that of emotion. I do love my husband and I acknowledge he would not be the same person I force his hand via leaving him or telling him he has to choose.
Idk what to do though. I feel out of real options.

You have tried therapy.
That didn't work.
Your husband has made his decision and will bankrupt you both.

It's time to secretly/quietly see a divorce attorney and get the finances locked down so that your husband cannot take them all.
It's time to divorce or get legal separation to get your OWN FINANCES secured.

AFTER THAT make it clear (when the papers arrive) why you did it (which of course is to secure your own future).
Make it clear that you had no choice because all remedies have been tried.
Make it clear that your husband has made his choice to bankrupt himself on care of a woman who just may have about four decades left to live, and you simply cannot go that route.
Make it clear that you care for hubby and will attempt to emotionally support him but cannot be bankrupted by him.

I wish there was another choice, a better choice, but I just can't think of one; I would bow to anyone with a better solution for you. It takes a lifetime to save for our care in the future. I am 82 and know this. I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll update us.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I’m sorry for the situation, it’s heartbreaking for all. Please never look at it as asking your husband to choose between his marriage or his mother, acknowledge that he’s already chosen. He’s willing to jeopardize his marriage, family life, and relationship with his son in service to mom’s condition. I’m sure it’s out of noble and good intentions, he should be admired for his caring. But not at the high price it’s costing. The results, both happening now, and over time becoming far worse, will be a family filled with resentment and a son who grows distant and hates his upbringing. Meanwhile, a mom, if healthy and whole, would never want this for her family. Also, don’t immediately discount using Medicaid, my mother in different circumstances, lived in a nursing home for four years, going from private pay to using Medicaid in that time. Though it wasn’t what our family wanted for her, it was absolutely necessary. Her care was competent, compassionate, and kind throughout, no matter how she was paying. We became her advocates and cheerleaders instead of her resentful, burned out caregivers.
Consider taking your son for a short trip during the holidays. He deserves a break and it might help your husband see things with more clarity if mom is completely his to care for, at least for a few days. I wish you all peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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JeanLouise Dec 5, 2024
Excellent advice. A get away for Mom and son validates the boy and will show DH the gravity caregiver burden.
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What can you do - short of what you don't want to do? Your options are fairly limited. It's awful to be in that position. You love your husband and you want to help him. But at the same time, you need him to realize that he is hurting you and your son.

If you aren't willing to consider the most severe options - which I also understand, then you will have to ensure that you and your son are protected.

If you have talked to your DH and he is unwilling to budge, about the only recourse you still have is to ensure that you (and your son if that applies) do not lift a finger to help him take care of her. And I mean a single finger. Don't be available to give him respite, don't be available to help her to the bathroom or make her meals or anything at all.

If HE is choosing to care for her against what is best for his family and you aren't willing to leave (which again I totally get), then the only other option is to remove yourself as his backup, as his helper. Focus all of your energy on your son. Give him that one full time parent who is focused on him, your home and your family.

Your DH has put you between a rock and a hard place, with zero input into how he handles a situation that doesn't just impact him. You don't need his permission to stop being involved at all. You don't have to help him take care of her.

I know this is hard. It honestly sucks. I was very lucky in that the instant I told my DH I was done helping his father, he agreed and we were prepared to back off right before it became an immediate need to place him. But not everyone has that luxury and I recognize that.

I also knew that in giving him an ultimatum that I would no longer help, I was taking a risk. I took a number of them when trying to figure out FIL's care. They were calculated but still a risk. You never know how someone is going to react when backed into a corner.

But you are backed into a corner right now too. And your responsibility is to your DH and your son. And if your DH is putting your son in this spot over his mother, then your options are limited. Because it is your responsibility to protect your son.

Your Dh may not realize just how badly this is impacting his family. Or just how much you are involved in helping. You can and should take back your own autonomy and focus on your son. Maybe even the simple act of removing your assistance will be enough to open your DH's eyes, who knows.

Again, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's an awful spot to be in.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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Divorce is the only option when it comes to those who put their parents before their spouses or children. There is no creature in the world more pathetic than a mommy’s boy. Especially when they’re hurting their own children in the process.
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Stickinmud00 Dec 5, 2024
Overly harsh. It is a difficult situation that he and his mother are in. Divorce would not solve the issue either all it would do is further fragment out family. Thank you for the advice though.
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