My MIL can be very sweet at times, but is very much a Queen bee. She is controlling, and very verbally abusive. We live in another state now. My husband is thinking he may be the only person who can care for her. A relative that lived with her had to move because she couldn't take it anymore. I'm in my early seventies, my husband had a heart attack 6 years ago, and I think it's crazy to even consider it. I'd be leaving my adult daughters here & moving to a new state. MIL has a very difficult time with a caregiver sent to her home to help her with showering. She absolutely threw a fit and refused. She has refused to see doctors. We've had to find ways around that with mobile doctors coming to her home. I think finding a part-time home health caregiver would be a help to her. It will just have to be the right person. She dresses herself, can give herself a shower now, can use a microwave and converses well. She is refusing to take walks. Assisted living would be another choice. Ideas?
Why does your husband feel that it is his obligation to take care of her?
If he feels compelled to do this, (as many people do with their parents), why not let him go move in with her in her current home? You remain in your current home.
Make a plan to re-assess the situation and all the options in say, 6 months.
I guarantee you he will be ready to find an assisted living facility for her!
It's not even wise for him to attempt this, given his own health condition.
You can;
1) Do nothing, let her stay at home on her own, as long as she thinks she can live independently. When she fails, it will be time for her to move to assisted living or skilled nursing.
2) Hire (with her money) a part time home health aid, as you suggested. It will be nearly impossible to find "the right person".
3) Have her help to pick out an assisted living facility. You may not be able to convince her to make such a move, and unless she is declared mentally incompetent, and you have POA to make decisions for her, she doesn't have to.
If your husband feels that he "needs to be there for her", suggest moving her to an independent apartment nearby, or an assisted living near to you.
But, talk to him. Do Not Move her in with you!
Not to say it was a great arrangement, but we did it. It is possible. Hiker could visit for a weekend a few times a year if she chooses.
I am 93 years old and worry about when I will no longer be able to prepare all meals(coffee cakes informing, sandwich at lunch, salad and TV dinner). We hire help to take care of our dogs. Clean the kitchen, and fix things in the house and yard.
I try not to react when she gets aggressive and nasty. She does not remember anything for more than minutes
Maybe you c ould just have a thick skin tolerate the problems, and hire help for daily living, not to take care of her.
I would recommend seriously considering moving to an AL sooner rather than later - you can move with your wife and help her adjust. Then you can have peace of mind that when needed, your wife will be well cared for.
She needs assisted living.
She sounds like a narcissistic personality (never enough and me, me, and me).
If I were you, I'd put my foot down with hubby.
Pouring your $ into her ... buying a SUITE is a huge red flag to me (a flag that could cover an entire house). DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.
From my point of view:
- your husband needs to understand what is motiviating him ... decades of an abusive mother (w a narcissistic personality disorder - or worse/ other? Guilt ... whatever is 'running him,' he needs help in figuring it all out - before he makes a decision to buy his queen bee mother a suite.
HE isn't considering that no matter what he buys her, she won't be happy. She'll find something WRONG with it ... with anything and everything.
And then what?
Let her throw her fits ...
Let her refuse.
Let her make her own decisions.
As I see this situation, the person(s) that will suffer are YOU and YOUR husband. Not his 'entitled' mother who'll never be content - and/or appreciative of anything. Your husband needs to understand that SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY to change or 'be' any different.'
Sure, she'll have difficulty with a caregiver. No one will be 'good enough' for her and she wants what she wants when she wants it. Mostly, she wants to rule the roost and perhaps continue to have her son 'wrapped around' her finger' ... and causing him continual grief. He may not know the severity of how his brain has been 'altered' by having a mother interact with him as she has - perhaps all of his life.
Yes, perhaps I am jumping to major conclusions here (i.e., narcissistic personality disorder - or GOD forbid ... worse and other) although until he is open to understanding the situation - her responses / feelings (and why) and his own, he will / may continue to be manipulated by her.
And you are the one who suffers, too. These are your financial resources.
He needs to consider his health - and yours.
And strongly consider the quality of life he wants FOR THE BOTH OF YOU... he needs to put you/r life together first.
Mother will b-tch and scream and so be it. She'll never be content with anything. Period. He needs to understand this.
Gena / Touch Matters
It's been okay. We're one year in, and he is mostly independent, like having a roommate that eats meals with us, and I shop for. What we did NOT take into account, mostly because of the dire situation at the time of our move, was that he may not be happy here. He was uprooted from his routine back "home" and now lives in a state where he doesn't know anyone but his family, and doesn't care for the weather or people here. This has lead to feelings of depression and angst on his end, and we're now feeling like he is giving up on wanting to live.
This is a HUGE decision, and I will be the first to admit, we made the decision in haste, feeling like there were no other options, and although he has had another year of life because of our intervention, I'm not sure he is any better off mentally than he was before.
Anything otherwise would only be a prelude to going down a rabbit-hole of continuous and endless responsibilities, angst and aggregation - and you'll never satisfy her - Save yourself!
Besides, Assisted Living would open up a new life for your MIL in a good way - she'll meet people, have access to doctors and care - activities, dining room meals, etc.
It would probably be better to move MIL closer to you. Think carefully before you move her into an in-law suite on your property. She is difficult and will most likely require a team of providers so nobody gets burnt out. Another option is ALF or SNF depending on the level of care she needs daily. Research assisted living facilities and skilled nursing facilities near you to get a better idea of what she qualifies for and the cost.
In the meantime, she is probably experiencing anxiety and agitation whenever she has to deal with helpers and tasks. She probably would benefit from medication to help her relax and allow others to help her. The tricky part will be getting somebody making her take her medications consistently. A caregiver that is kind but firm with thick skin is your best bet for assistance right now.