My mom is only 65 years old. The doctors say she has “dementia” but won’t give an answer as to anything specific. She’s gotten a lot worse over the last two years. Her constant nagging, negative comments and shadowing is taking a toll on my poor father (and me). My mom can still dress herself (but she wears the same clothes most days) and she can still use the toilet by herself (but she doesn’t flush). Within the last 3 months she has accused my poor dad of the most horrible things ... mostly sexual crimes against her and other people. I know none of it is true, obviously. But I’m tired of hearing it, I love my father and don’t want anyone to even have to hear such ridiculous claims.
I know I’m supposed to “play along” with whatever she says or change the subject, but I refuse to agree with her on that! Changing the subject doesn’t help, she will get screaming mad and demand that I agree with her. What do I do? My dad refuses to put her in a long term care facility and because of her constant shadowing of him, he is forced to cart her around with him (every moment he’s not at work - she has a caretaker during the day).
Last week, she jumped into the car with a complete stranger who stopped by her house looking for my father; she demanded he drive her to my house (a few miles away) promising him that my father would be there. Two days ago, I stopped by, she answered the door completely naked. I tried to calmly talk her into putting on her clothes but she started screaming/crying telling me to leave her alone and stop treating her like a child. She eventually put on just a pair of pants, but refused to put anything else on.
By the time her caretaker (a woman) arrived she had her bra on. After speaking to her caretaker, I found out that it’s not unusual for my mother to be completely naked when she arrives every morning. It seems to me that she must enjoy the “thrill” of people seeing her naked. She even flirts with any man who will pay any attention to her and has walked out naked in front of her own grandson. Everything she says is either sexual charged or negative, no matter who she’s talking to ... and she talks constantly!
She takes Serequil (not sure how to spell it) and it took over a year of her irrational behavior before my father to even agree to start treating her with meds. I’m sorry to be so bitter but it seems to me that she’s slowly killing my father with stress. Any advice would help me greatly!!!
The thing you need to learn and remember is that your mother's BRAIN IS BROKEN. (Sorry didn't mean to shout.)
She isn't doing any of this on purpose. Her behavior is irratic because she has a disease called dementia that doesn't LET her think clearly.
I'm sure, before she got this, she would have never acted in this manner.
They don't WANT to be like this but they can't help it. You wouldn't punish a 2 year old for doing something wrong because they don't know any better. Well, it's the same with your mom now. She has lost the ability to reason and act rationally. It's not her fault.
I know you're hurt. I was too when my mother accused me of stealing from her, lying to her, wanting to do incestious acts with her and physically beating her....of course all were untrue. I ran out of the room sobbing. BUT, I knew WHY she said those things-because she has Alzheimer's.
You are going to need to educate yourself on dementia/Alzheimer's and then have a consultation with her doctor. Is she on meds for dementia? Read about the stages of Alzheimer's and familiarize yourself with what stage she's in. The more you read about her disease the better you will understand her and not hold this upsetting behavior against her. It really takes superhuman strength and fortitude NOT to take this personally. She is NOT doing it to hurt you or your dad, nor is she doing it of her own free will. Think of your mother's brain being taken over by the disease. She is no longer who she once was, I'm sorry to say.
Alzheimer's/dementia is a long, hard road for the patient, their families and caregivers. This is one level with a specific type of behavior. Next year it will be something different.
Give your dad some time to accept that he has lost his wife. He may not be fully accepting of her condition yet.
In the later stages it is practically impossible to keep them at home and he will be forced, by circumstances, to place her in a memory care facility.
My heart goes out to you all. I remember being where you are (but it seems so long ago).
You will come to accept her unusual behavior and disrespectful things she says as part of her disease. It will do you NO good to try to "set her straight ", because she is no longer able to tell right from wrong. You can try to pull her back into reality but she isn't able to make the trip.
I'm sorry. 😢
We recently lost our Mom to an 8 year bout of Dementia, it was the hardest thing we have ever had to witness. Each of us finally understood about 2 years into the disease, Mom was gone and that did help some with "grief relief" but her husband (they were only married one year before she was diagnosed) stood by her, what a saint, and kept her home until the end.
What I am saying is your Mom, Dad, you, and family members are experiencing the symptoms of the disease as it progresses individually on different levels. As the child you want to Mom to be as you remember her, Dad wants her back, and Mom is is at the mercy of the disease and the best that can happen is you keep her safe, comfortable, and continue to love her.
Often times as the disease progresses she will become despondent almost docile, but you have a bit to go to get there (so it sounds). Our Mom would pull down her pants in public places asking people if they "Want some" and oh my we were mortified the first time it happened - we put loops on all her pants and added a snug belt so she could not.
As far as hygiene that was a little tricky, but got her to come and get us when she was done so we could flush for her - she never was able to connect the dots on the need for flushing. We also learned to limit her choices to a couple of mix 'n match outfits and placed them everyday in one particular dresser drawer the night before so she felt she had some control/choice over what she wore.
The road to taking care of a loved one is not easy, no matter the circumstances. I compare it to taking care of a regressing 2 year old, there is no reasoning with them or a loved one in the throes of Dementia.
Have heart - we are all here for you and send you love, support and hope you realize you are an amazing person for supporting your family when they need you most.
Warmest wishes and prayers!
Just another vote to do whatever it takes to get her to the doctor right away for a urinalysis and exam. After she’s treated for the likely UTI, an evaluation for a meds change.
The conditions you describe, to me, are fairly critical. Please be willing to upset your dad by insisting this all needs to be done, not asking. You can run her to one of those little clinics for a urinalysis *today.* Tell her the doctor needs to collect a tinkle test for all his patients who enjoy ice cream, I don’t think you have to be sensical.
I have a similar situation here. I convinced my Dad to see someone and talk. Now that he has heard a professional say she needs other care and he is being verbally abused. He has been more open to finding her a nursing home (albeit , he is dragging his feet) it is progress. It was put to him in a way he could justify. They told him it was better and safer for her as well.
I had a great aunt who was so lady like she wore white gloves shopping with never a swear word but in her last weeks in hospital she swore enough to make a sailor blush - her family said she made up for 89 years & she said all the swear words that she suppressed in that time
This doesn't help much but occationally when mom would say things that happened when I was there I could say that it wasn't how I remembered & we would discuss things then she would drop it - asking 'when did this happen', 'who else was there', 'what did they do about it', 'why didn't you say something at the time' etc can stop these memories but only about 10% of time -
I call them 'chinese menu' memories with something from row A, something from row B etc that now come together as a new distorted memory [that can include data from movies or things others have told them] - some of the questions above may take them out of that loop otherwise it becomes a worse/larger story or at least stop it from mushrooming bigger
Your dad [& possibly you too] is in denial about her situation & needs to talk to a professional about it - when my mom first came into my care [after she wore out my dad then 89] then weeks later I made an appointment with a psycologist & she gave me insight into what her behaviour was & would become - I feel that session of one on one gave me a lot - I never felt guilty about some on the necessary things I had to do nor did I ever take what was happening personally - my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner as I would have proceeded slightly differently on past encounters but her guidance kept me from stewing about them too much
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