My mom is in a nursing home in Colorado near my brother, and I live in California. She is 79 years old and has been recently been diagonosed with dementia. She refuses to engage in any activities at the home mainly due to her lack of hearing and is often nasty to the staff trying to help her. She is coherent most of the time. Our only method of communication is text messaging because she can't hear or write any longer. When she texts me she usually asks for me to let her die because of how much she hates it there and accuses me of not loving her. She lived with me for 10 years after a non-traumatic brain injury but I had to take her to a home because I could no longer provide the care she needs. The home is in Colorado near where my brother lives. He with his wife and teenage daughters and I visit as often as possible but with COVID restrictions we haven't been able to take her out as often as we'd like. I want to cry every night because I want to improve her quality of life but I don't know how. I'm looking for suggestions. Thank you.
Everyone is different and everyone comes from different situations, but it seems so mean to say those things to an elderly parent.
Either let it go (let it be) or get her out.
She may need to know that she is heard and you care for her. Yes it will likely keep repeating.
I wasn't close to folks after high school but did see them periodically and we had nice visits, but always kind of at arms length.
Now I'm in a position to transition dad to hospice and figure out what to do with mom. I see bits and pieces of advice on these forums that apply and I really appreciate the wisdom and life experience shared here.
Ultimately I have to deal with my feelings and make decisions on how to help mom and how much to try to improve the situation for mom when she says she just wants to be done.
Reading the perspectives of people here expands my imagination so I can ask: Does my mom really want help? Does she need help but she get's in her own way? Is my mom just selfish and mean? Is my mom just tired and done? What would I want in her shoes if I hadn't developed any true friends over the years and I was losing my mental faculties so I could no longer track my favorite causes and support them?
All the conversations here have helped me to better understand where I am at with my mother and I thank everyone for their comments.
Which you know, that regardless of what, she will be unhappy regardless of whether you have her in your home.
Realize what you can and cannot realistically do.
I sense you are going through a grieving process - letting go. We (I am in a similar situation with a friend) want to do more than what we are doing or able to do.
It hurts; it is sad; it is frustrating when we want to support someone we love and we cannot due to circumstances: physical distance, a pandemic, and dementia.
Perhaps all you can do is listen to her text messages. AND respond with kindness and do not directly respond/answer her questions-comments (as you pose here).
If she will understand, tell her that you are praying for her; bring God into the picture if she relates. Respond with icons of hearts or whatever she will relate to (trees?)
Crying may be a way you are grieving. It also may be emotionally and psychologically detrimental to your well-being. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and then learn that life has its own timing of how a person transitions. Accepting this is a way of letting go of the burden of responsibility you have and continue to place on yourself.
During the day (not at night when you are vulnerable / crying), write a list of all that you have done for your mother over the 10 years. You have done a lot for her and I am sure she appreciated it. Learn to appreciate yourself for all that you extended to her. While this may not be easy to do, you can shift your thinking / consciousness - guide it by giving yourself different options in how to consider a situation, feel what 'letting go' feels like.
Be aware of taking good care of yourself during these times when you want things / situations to be different and you cannot make them different.
It is very sad and it hurts when someone we love says they want to die. Especially when we want to make their quality of life 'better' and we cannot.
I understand how they feel. If I were in my friend's place, I would not want to live either. And yet, it may be or feel like a cruel reality that we cannot go when we feel we want to. I realize the limits of what I can and cannot do. What I can do is pick up the phone when he calls me 4-5-6 times within an hour, full of anxiety and fear. I can tell him I love him. I can bring him goodies to eat when I visit. However, I cannot change the foundation of his situation. Showing compassion and patience to another - and our self - being present - is often all we can do. AND that is a lot.
Take care of you and honor how you feel.
Let Go and Accept.
Gena / Touch Matters