My mom is now being rude AH now that she has caregivers.
It just keeps getting better. You can read from my previous post that my relationship with my mother has been severely damaged. I visit her now about twice a month but she is very angry because I’m not there for her 24/7 anymore. When I do visit, she is very rude and she whispers to her caregivers. When I leave the room, she talks about me because when I reenter she stops talking. I’ve literally seen her roll her eyes at her caregiver about me. Her ONLY grandchild(my son) told me that the last time he went to visit her, she only speaks Spanish to her caregiver and ignores him. He told me when he enters the room she stops talking. I had no idea she did this to him. She has told me that my son never visits her and now I know why! She does not realize how rude she has become. Of course, this is the first time in her life she has a “servant” that literally does everything for her, including wiping her a** . I’m realizing that if she had money back when she was young, she would’ve been a tyrant!
I’m so angry that she is behaving this way and doesn’t see it. She thinks we are all oblivious to her behavior but we are very much aware.
I'm working on a hand written letter to her. I’m thinking this will be the only thing that will make her understand?
I couldn't find your mom's age, but if she is struggles with toileting, I will assume she is old and frail.
She's found something that gives her a sense of agency and control: gossiping in Spanish, talking sh!t about you to the caregivers she sees daily. If this gives her pleasure, why not?
Be like Sandra Day O'Connor when her husband "hooked up" in a care home. Just be glad mom has something that gives her satisfaction.
My husband and son have both agreed they would prefer not to have my mother and brothers over for Xmas. This will be the first Xmas without them. They said why would I want to host when the tension will be terrible. Of course this move will only infuriate my mother further.
My mother complained to my aunt because I cut my visits . My aunt told my mother “ well if you were nice you would be visited more often “.
Mom is trying to make you upset . Don’t let her see you upset , or she will keep doing it. Do not give her that win. Mourn over it in private at home or vent here. Write letters and burn them . I also smashed a set of old dishes one by one . One dish each time I came home very upset from a visit . Very satisfying .
As long as things go her way. And I bet since u could walk and talk everything was OK as long as you did her way. And then the one time you said, can't do it anymore, she turned on you. Go have your life. If she is not going to be nice when u do visit, then don't visit. Brothers can oversee her needs. Its the holidays, enjoy them.
Write that letter but don't deliver it. She will never admit she is the problem. Its not even pausable to thing a daughter with a home and family can be there 24/7.
Write the letter as a means to get all of your feelings out. Then burn it. Mother will still be there, but it can really help you deal with the situation.
She is safe and cared for. Let it go.
Do what you would normally do with rude people, and avoid her.
I'm so sorry this has not been the case for you.
In your shoes I would have cut back to twice a month visits too.
I guess Mom is angry & wants to inflict her anger at you & other family members. She has transfered her dependance to her caregiver - along went her love too it seems.
It is a real shame she cannot see the situation with more clarity - that the caregiver is paid to be her help, that she could still have wonderful relationships with her family. Her behaviour is preventing it.
Maybe she equates hands-on care with love? Or attention = love. My SIL has been caught out saying things like "If you cared you'd do X for me.."
Wrong. Love & care can be shown in many ways.
I guess I'd explain each visit. "I care about you but I cannot be your daily care attendant".
While this won't probably change her at all, it may make you feel better.
He'll get more out of that visit then with grandma.
Do you have any idea when that might be?
Is there a reason you expect your mother to change?
Do you think a letter (or anything else ) will change her?
Have you had success in changing her so far?
Is there a reason your son chooses to put up with this abuse, instead of saying "Grandmom, you are clearly pretty busy here. I am glad to see you. I love you. " AND THEN LEAVE. And return VERY SELDOM. Send a sweet card once a week.
To what purpose do you continue to participate in this game while she "plays you" for her pleasure?
You are a grownup now.
You must now take responsibility for making your own decisions in your OWN best interest, and to take responsiblity for those decisions.
Only you make the choices for your own life. So far this is what you have CHOSEN.
I will leave you to making those choices for yourself and will wish you the very best of luck and happiness.
For myself, I choose not to spend time with people who waste my time and cause me pain. But that's just me. It has worked very well for my life. I advise giving it a try.
I’ve gone from visiting her twice a week to once a month. The less I visit the meaner she gets! If I go back to being the doting daughter she will go back to being the wonderful mother. Unfortunately what she did to me is something I can’t ignore. I guess she didn’t realize there would be consequences for her actions. She literally believed that she could betray me and I would just go on like nothing happened.
Either she accepts that you deserve to have your own life or she doesn’t. Apparently, she doesn’t which is disturbing but what can you do? Not much.
You have no control over her thoughts and actions. I am sure that you are disappointed with your mom’s behavior and that you know not to look for any appreciation or approval from your mom.
Your mom has her needs taken care of by her caregivers, so she doesn’t have valid reasons to complain to others about you.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey. Visit your mom on your terms.
She isn’t going to suddenly change or care about your point of view. Ever. What the letter will do is give her proof in your handwriting that you always (blah blah blah, fill in the blanks) and you never (blah blah blah). “See? I always told you my daughter blah blah blah! Read this! Can you believe it? She’s crazy!”
Write it if you must, then tear it up.
As for your son, let him do what he wants, visit or not visit, don't let her be toxic to him as well.