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Tons of catalog companies 'Approve!' you for credit; you might get her listed on the 'Opt Out' for junk mail lists, which is really what these catalog companies are. And believe it or not, not paying some of these bills is sometimes OK...yes, it would 'ding' her credit for awhile but if she's running up the bills it's on her and maybe a non-issue: consult a banker about this, they actually recommended this a friend of mine when her world turned upside down. Unsecured debt is written off by these companies. And I agree to reroute your mail; get a PO box and end the flow of these unsolicited credit offers; it's 'fun' to flip thru a catalog and 'shop' but clearly gets a person way in debt fast. I think the companies prey on the 'consumer'...my own mother had closets of stuff she ordered from QVC before she died; clearly it was a way for her to still feel she could 'go shopping' even tho most of the stuff was never opened nor used/enjoyed.

As for you mom trying to guilt you that she footed YOUR bills, welp, that's parenthood, not your job. Put a stop to the shopping (hoarding?) and urge her to save her SS and even chip in for her own expenses; otherwise you're her ATM.
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Happigirl: Imho, YOU should not be using your own financials on your mother's requirements. Opt out of receiving the catalogs.
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Mom's bills are hers. If she doesn’t pay them then the companies will have to take her to collections if they want paid. You are not responsible for her debt just because she lives with you unless you are her guardian or co-signer on the credit accounts. Please don’t endanger your own retirement to cover her debt.

Call each catalog company and tell them to take you off their mailing list.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
"You are not responsible for her debt just because she lives with you unless you are her guardian..."

To clarify this, a guardian would be responsible for MANAGING her finances and using HER funds to pay bills and debts, if and when there's enough. Being guardian would NEVER make anyone responsible for another person's debt. Same for POA. There are court appointed guardians who are not family. I seriously doubt any of them would sign up for this job if they had to assume another person's debts and bills! Same for POA - we can appoint someone other than family for this duty, generally it would be an attorney or fiduciary, but the point is we MANAGE for the person, we don't assume their debts.

Being co-signer on anything WILL result in having to pay or deal with it somehow, as you would have accepted the responsibility, perhaps without realizing it, but you will have to deal with it if you signed!
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"Cleaned out your savings and starting on your 401K" so she can order from catalogs???!!! Stop letting your mother victimize and intimidate you. You must take control and put your foot down hard NOW. You are enabling her. Grab those cards, destroy or lock them up! Take one of them and use THAT card for all her supplies and meds. Call these companies and request to be taken off the mailing list. Make a plan for how you want to divide up the house expenses and then get your brothers to join you for a pow wow with your mother without delay.
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Nope, this is wrong. Tell Mom that you are out of money for her. Send your mail and hers to a PO box temporarily. IF you have POA, call all credit companies that she owes and stop all available credit. Freeze the accounts, give bills to Mom. Cut up credit cards, except for one or two to pay for her prescriptions and expenses. Anytime you go to pick these things up, use her credit card. Stop enabling her. The longer you let this go on, the more you will resent her and it will ruin the relationship.
If you are living in her home, move out. It's easier to not have to take care of everything. If she lives with you, maybe it's time she is moved into a home or let a brother take her in, if they want to provide for her.
We do owe our parents for all they've done for us. However, care does not involve frivilous items. No more shelling out the money, unless you want to do this for your Mom. I help my Mom and I've told her that many of her supplements and hair products have to be cut down because she can't afford them.
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I ordered some clothing from a catalog and they sent my information to other clothing mail order companies. Suddenly I got dozens of catalogs. I called the customer service department and got them to stop sending me the catalogs. You might want to start this. If you get the mail you can always hide the catalogs or throw them away. You could distract her with something, go get the mail and then on the sly chuck the catalogs. My mom does the same thing and recently asked me if I wanted her to order 25 pounds of pot stickers, because I made the mistake of saying out loud "I like pot stickers".
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
Sadly this sharing of information has been around a long long time... They don't just "send" your information, they sell mailing lists!

One time on vacation, long before the internet, we were in a shop and the ex wrote his name in their customer book, but he added III (as in the Third, which he was not.) Sure enough, not long after we received this kind of stuff from other places addressed to Mr. Joe Schmo III. So, we knew the "source."

Now data mining is BIG business! Some places collect/pay for these lists, but plenty can be found online too. I've received mail here address to the ex, who NEVER lived in this place (I've only been here 7 years), divorced over 35 years at the point, and he was killed in an accident 6-7 years ago! I've also received some in my son's name, and he has never lived here either.

Some of the online sites that have your information WILL show others from past and present relationships. One showed my son's ex, who also never lived here. They split up over 10 years ago. Look up yourself, see who they list as relatives, associates and known to you!
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Immediately write to every single catalog company and tell them to stop sending catalogs at once. Also, see if the post office can work something out where mail is delivered to a postal box (don't tell her) - that way you can intercept the mail. Get a Power of Attorney (see an eldercare attorney) so you can control some of the things. And as to YOU spending YOUR money on her needs, STOP AT ONCE. If she runs out, simply say there is no money - she spent it. Let her be without supplies, etc. DO NOT PAY FOR THIS. Also contact Social Services and Office on Aging to see what other options you have. Do NOT be her caretaker until this stops. See if she can be placed or have a caretaker. When they do not cooperate, that is the breaking point and you walk away and don't look back.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
There's no mention of dementia or cognitive issues, so a POA won't be of any use. Also:
"Get a Power of Attorney (see an eldercare attorney) so you can control some of the things."
You don't "GET" a POA, the person MUST appoint you AND must be capable of signing legal documents AND is doing it of her free will.

"If she runs out, simply say there is no money - she spent it. Let her be without supplies, etc."
This is BAD advice, for several reasons:
1) WE don't know what medications she is on - they could be life-saving, aka she could die without them
2) No briefs, she could end up urinating on OP's thing, since she lives in OP's house.

"See if she can be placed or have a caretaker."
There is NO legal way to "place" someone, EVEN those with dementia. Unless she would go agreeable, this is NOT an option.
Caretaker? To do what? A caretaker would have ZERO control over what mom spends her money on and would NOT be able to force her to stop, same reason as above - it isn't legal and would likely just make the situation impossible.

"...walk away and don't look back."

I am SO thankful you are not my relative or POA. Heartless. This is still her mother, whether she has no impulse control or not.
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You don't mention that she has any dementia, so have an important talk with your mom. Have her add all her credit card balances so that she is aware of her financial state. Give her notice that you will no longer support her financially. You need to add to your 401K, not take from it as you are also penalized. You mom is responsible financially for herself & she needs to be accountable for her frivolous spending habits. If you want to assist her that's your choice. If she needs to apply for Medicaid, help her. Take her to a professional to advise her how to repay her debt. Parents are responsible legally to provide for their child, make sure they get educated & are able to care for themselves. Adult children are not legally responsible to provide for their parents. Hopefully she will realize that her spending habits are out of control, stop buying, send back what she can & start paying back her debts.
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Cut up all of her credit cards except one …& keep that one with you to pay for all supplies, meds & anything she needs..for her care. You can call her credit card companies to cancel them. Problem solved. Don’t use 401K because you’ll have to pay penalty. I hope you have power of attorney and health proxy…Hugs 🤗
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This isn’t new behavior for her either. She was like this her whole life. It gave my dad ulcers and, I believe, the stomach cancer that took him. They always fought about money. I remember my dad holding his head in his hands and was so upset. He even took on a side job in his 60’s. I didn’t have any idea how bad it really was until I lost my dad and she came to live with me. No dementia. She is a sharp 80-year old. She gets so mad when I try to talk about her spending and debt.
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Llamalover47 Oct 2021
Happigirl: Thank you for your update.
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It sounds like she is either incredibly immature and unrealistic about money and/or mentally ill.

What you need to realize is that YOU need to stop bleeding money.

Say "no".

She'll get mad.

So what?

She threatens to leave? That's fine.
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My mother’s insurance (United Heath Medicare Advantage) provides free medical supplies thru a third party vendor, for almost 10 years. She gets points to use by year end for everything from vitamins, pain meds, incontinence supplies, wipes, band aids, toileting chairs, shower chairs, lotions, antiobiotic ointments, reusable incontinence pads, etc, Contact your mothers health insurance company.
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Place a series of post office mail / vacation holds on ALL mail for your address. Pick it up after 2 weeks and keep hers from her while you cancel subscriptions, report cards lost/stolen. The postal hold is released once you pick it up so place another 2 week hold on ALL mail and repeat. This may take some time because there is a few weeks delay for the cancellations to occur. Contact the phone company and request a block on outgoing toll free calls.
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not sure if your mailbox is curbside or on house… see if you can replace it with a locking mailbox. The mail carrier can place mail in it, but it can’t be removed without the key - which your mom does not have.
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