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I took her out of a Nursing Home to care for her. My mom use to be a Sassy 84 year old going out walking her dogs 2-3 times a day the Mayor of the neighborhood Mom lived next door to me in a rental.then she suffered a massive stroke and is paralyzed on her left side. They told me to prepare myself. Fast forward after intense rehabilitation and then going into a Rehabilitation/Nursing Home (I switched from one to another because of how she was being treated. Put a diaper on in the morning and didn’t change her until bed time if she did get changed earlier then they kept her in bed for the rest of the day. Mom is prone to UTI’s and twice had to be taken to the hospital. I work on the road 2 weeks a month it was very stressful for me. Finally I just brought her home this past September. What a journey… Mom has stroke, Dementia per say, and just remembers everything from the past asking where her pets, my Sister who passed away a year ago, etc. Mom's stroke happened 4 1/2months later. Mom still thinks my sister is alive she says she was her or behind or arguing with people in the hall. The doctors have told me not to correct her re my sister and change the subject due to mental processing it is VERY VERY HARD. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I am overwhelmed mentally. I went from grieving to caregiver in less than a year. My husband is supportive and retired early to help I do have an aide 25-30 hours a week to help us out. I have read a lot of answers her to try and make me take a deep breath. I don’t know what to do about my feelings I’m angry, sad and cry easy when I’m alone like right now.I have always been the strong one but I feel broken. I could be put my mom back in that kind of place and want her to thrive somewhat normally being in a loving setting. My husband says I’m in positive denial. that she has dementia. Mom is only mean towards me or yells at me. It breaks my heart to pieces for we were BFFsim just so sad. are there meeting groups for this. Do I need to talk to a shrink? I always say a bad day just last 24 hours and then you start all over.thank you all for letting me rant.

Your experiences are similar to mine. It takes great patience. Look up the Demensia Society of America. They have a free booklet called the "Big Umbrella" and a Q&A Zoom on Monday evenings. Typical speaker is Tami Anastasia, who also has a book with lots of ideas. Small lies and redirection are valuable tools. If I'm asked where many years deceased parents are, "I haven't seen them." Or "they didn't tell me where they were going."
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Reply to MikeinTexas
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Dear, many of us here sympathize with your transition into this season of life. The thing that has helped me the most to find some resemblance of peace has been daily prayer. Every morning when my feet hit the ground, I say a prayer and ask for God's Holy Spirit to fill me with the strength, endurance, patience and wisdom that I'll need for that day.
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Reply to jwellsy
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Strokes can cause irreversible personality changes. Dementia is a slow deterioration that affect thinking skills, speech, motor skills plus more. This sounds like a combination. You seem in denial that you will find a place that is 100% perfect in your mind. This includes your ability for your in home care. Seek counselling on the guilt factor. Seek to find a care situation that will be need to have (certain aspects of imperfect care) vs nice to have certain care. You know that you cannot do everything perfect at home.
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Reply to MACinCT
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Put her back in the nursing home where she belongs before both you and your husbands lives are destroyed. Taking her out was a terrible mistake that can still be undone. No one who treats you so should live in your home.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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If you work on the road 2 weeks a month, does your husband take care of mom during that time?

Dementia is dementia, whether it came from a stroke or not, it will progress and worsen over time. If you are already overwhelmed, caring for mom at home long term is not doable imo. Even with an aide.

It sounds like mom was in a SNF for rehab, not for long term care. Rehab is a different kettle of fish than a long term care arrangement, so changing an incontinence brief infrequently is more common in rehab as well as being left in bed after PT is finished.

Llook into a good long term care Skilled Nursing facility for mom where you can be her advocate and see to it she's cared for properly, that's my suggestion. Seeing a psychiatrist isn't going to change the fact that you're responsible for moms care 24/7/365. A therapist may give you some coping techniques to use, but at the end of the day, another one is coming up that's the same or worse than the one before it. Such is the nature of dementia and massive strokes with paralyzing side effects. A person doesn't get better from that trauma, only worse, with more strokes likely to happen in the future, unfortunately.

You have to take a realistic approach here, imo. To upend your life and your husband's life and retirement like this is a LOT. Your lives matter too.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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So sorry for all of it. My mother also experienced a huge stroke, in her case it took every physical ability but left her mentally intact. It remains the cruelest thing I’ve ever witnessed. She could not sit up, roll over, use her arms, swallow more than puréed food, most speech, nothing. I tell people I lost my beloved mother twice, once when the stroke took most of her away, and again four years later when she mercifully died. By the time of her death she couldn’t eat or talk at all, likely having had more strokes. Sadly, the mother you had is gone, replaced by someone you don’t really recognize yet. That’s causing you understandable sadness and tears. It’s also overwhelming to deal with around the clock. If it becomes too much in a home setting, it’s okay to look for alternatives. Don’t judge all places by the one that wasn’t good. My mom’s huge care requirements could never have been accomplished in her home or that’s exactly where she would have been. We were blessed to have her in a nursing home that provided competent and compassionate care throughout. It’s important for you and your husband to guard your own health and financial future. A healthy, whole mother would want this for you. Getting counseling is never a bad idea, this is a lot to handle on your own. I truly wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I am so very sorry.
Welcome to the Forum, where really we don't have any other answers than what you already know and understand within yourself. If you stay, you will feel less alone. That's perhaps as good as it gets here.

I know that you understand that there are times when taking on this task many caregivers actually do die before their loved ones. We have seen that here and we have seen spouses pass and we have seen people broken by this care.
It can literally kill you, or shorten your life, and it's my feeling that your mom, who was your best friend, would not want this for you, having had already a good and long life.

You have not asked us any questions. So really, it would be wrong of me to attempt to give you answers. You have to make your own decisions for the life of yourself and your husband.
No one can do that for you. I do believe that you know that your mother needs now the care of several shifts with several people on each one.

In your care you have changed who you are to your mother.
You are no longer her DD or darling daughter. You are now the caregiver, the decider, the one who sets all the limits and frustrates her in not having answers for her in her confusion. You are not making her life better, and may be destroying your own, imho. But I understand you do not feel you can face what long-term care is in all its imperfections.

Again, I am so very sorry.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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