My mom's dementia is confusing me, am I handling this right?

My father would find different ways to solve a problem than what the normal person might do. I came around to deciding he was actually quite clever.

Option 1: you/DH and mother drive x miles at xx cents per mile to return the sheets = $xx

Option 2: mother takes Uber to said retail outlet, fares there and back = $xx

Option 3: DH collects sheets, assists if need be with repackaging including returns slip, takes them to mail = $xx

She won't say why she won't use the mail, she's just digging her heels in. It could be:

she wants the instant gratification of an immediate replacement, and aren't we all guilty of that sometimes?
the returns slip is putting her off and she's afraid of getting it wrong and never getting the right sheets back
she secretly wants a different colour/subtly different style but doesn't want to admit it to anyone.
she quite fancies a browse round at what else Pottery Barn might have in the same or similar product ranges.

Sigh. Wouldn't it be nice if just for once in each elder's life she could SAY what the problem is and SAY what she really wants?

Same with my mother, now age 82. She has vascular dementia, not Alzheimer's yet, and for years she was living alone successfully and hiding her loss of abilities with various work-arounds. She couldn't add and subtract anymore and she couldn't use the bank's phone system anymore to find out how much money she had, so she drove to the bank several times a week to find out her balance. She was always polite, charming, dressed in clean clothes appropriate for the weather, wearing makeup and perfume. No one she saw day-to-day at the bank or grocery store or the gas station would assume she had dementia. She pumped her own gas! Unfortunately she had huge gaps in her abilities and was vulnerable to any type of scam. A saleswoman somehow targeted my mother on her hidden driveway and in 20 minutes, mom had agreed to purchase a new roof for $20,000. The saleswoman showed mom some print photos of damage to an old roof, and mom thought the photos were of her own roof! She had no logic to wonder how this saleswoman could've taken photos of her roof and made prints in 20 minutes! When you mom goes out alone, she's vulnerable to every scammer and thief in every Uber, bus, parking lot, store, office, sidewalk, coffee shop, etc. When something unexpected happens outside of the usual routine, she won't be sharp enough to react. Pick your battles and insist on the things that will prevent the most likely disasters, whatever you decide those are. Most likely disasters such as falling, not knowing the way home, getting mugged or scammed, giving away money to sidewalk beggars with babies, inviting strangers over to the house, calling a phone number on a hand-written index card she found on a bulletin board advertising the services of a "financial manager," signing up for "free" dental insurance. Are there any adult day programs or senior community centers in the area for people her level? Keeping her busy in a supervised situation is safer than letting her roam the malls. Just be careful when she falls in love with a man with dementia!

cc

One great realization I try to always keep on my mind that that helps me cope as a caregiver and try to relate to my care-receivers as they cognitively and physically decline, is a helpful lesson taught in the Solutions for Caregivers Course that I took.

The physical and cognitive decline we will all endure will be different for each of us...and likely not a smooth one.

In fact, it will probably be a jagged one; with times of "up" when your care receiver will show great lucidity...and then in the next <enter your preferred time range of peace: second, minute, hour, day (wait some of you are still getting days of peace!)> moment "down" they will show you something totally opposite lucidity.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard something to the effect of: "Oh my care-receiver was so "with-it" today, maybe they are getting better!"

Take care of yourself and enjoy the peace when they are lucid; take care of them with all the respect they deserve when they are not.

Remember your tools when things get difficult:
Always step in when safety is a concern, they might not know any better.
Try to resist engaging in reason with someone who no longer has the capability of reason due to cognitive decline.
Distract & Redirect is your best friend. =)

Stay Caregiver Strong!

Time for an assisted living facility home-- start shopping-- go eat lunch there and understand that the plateau she is on will last for less and less. These plateaus go fast-- worse and worse---- do not think it is put-off-able--- you'll be taking chances that will result in a lost Mom somewhere where she could get taken advantage of. We found out the hard way when she gave all her money away to fly-by-night charities--- if she cannot drive-- next move-- take her wallet -- drivers license, bank cards-- everything--- or suffer the consequences-- and you will-- also get that POA established and whether to DNR or.. ( revive or not...best to NOT-- or you end up with a very veg-Mom) Good luck. Start thinking about the future-- the present is already bad-- get ready for worse.

Imho, perhaps she could determine how to set up a ride. More importantly, I would be more concerned with her going out during the Novel Coronavirus.
Someone whose brain is starting to malfunction, may not realize that it would be easier ON HER to mail the gifted sheets back for replacement. Prayers sent.

Sometimes losses in dementia progress in "stepwise fashion," rather than gradually. This is especially true with vascular dementia.

For example, one day they can tell time - and the next day they cannot. I've seen this pattern before.

Piper, thanks for the update. People with dementia become paranoid and suspicious. It is because their brains are broken and they can't make sense of the world any longer.

Also, if this is a sudden change in her thinking pattern, getting her tested for a UTI wouldn't be a bad idea.

I also dealt with this exact same situation, minus the uber rides. My aunt never got diagnosed until she fell and had to go to the ER. She was diagnosed with dementia and they said it was probably late stage. I had noticed her doing odd things, like calling family members and saying terrible things about me. She would forget how to use her TV controller, how to put in her hearing aid, and even how to do other simple things. I'd hate to say it, but her dementia will get worse, and you'll have to watch her forget who you are, and become paranoid or aggressive towards you. She might even mistake you for your father. My aunt mistook me for a burglar one night and called the police. They arrive at the front door, I explain what's going on, and they nod and say, "You mind if we talk to her?", of course, I shook my head and let them in. I'm not sure if they didn't believe me or that they just wanted to make sure. What kind of burglar waits for the police to arrive, and then greets them at the front door? He might as well say, "Yes I broke into this house, officers. Take me to jail." Anyway, try to be understanding, but if it comes to a certain point, then she'll need to be put into a care facility for her own safety.

Yes, one of my clients wife is just like this. Both of these women haven't lost their zest for living life to the fullest. Both have cognitive deficiencies, but they also have strong intuitive skills that are still intact. This is why they are both able to navigate and negotiate via Uber, for example.

The family told us she has Alzheimer's, which is one form of dementia. However, several of us on their private duty care team now recognize her dementia as vascular dementia rather than Alzheimer's. She is very proficient with many things in her life and has some memory loss and confusion through it all. She plans and cooks 3 fresh and beautiful meals for herself and her husband daily. They have me for dinner periodically, so I know her cooking is exquisite. She keeps track of her own calendar of events for herself and does a great job. She also strongly desires her independence. When she goes grocery shopping, she only wants the agency caregiver to drop her off at the grocery and then wait in their car until she comes out. She makes a few mistakes while shopping but nothing that is irreversible or earth-shattering. One day she burned some toast which ruffled someone else in the home that day. Truth be told, so do I - burn toast - on occasion because I do too much multi-tasking as a working woman. This woman also experiences some mood swings that can last for a day or several weeks. She is a lovely delightful person, and I try to accept her exactly as she is. She is wonderful with her husband. I can empathize with her so strongly because over all, she does a great job, yet those of us who would be considered typical and normal, have a hard time accepting how she still manages so well. Her daughter is afraid for her because she suspects doing all of this - including managing her husband with later stage Parkinson's - stresses her out. I think it is good for her. She is still very capable... and when I think about it, she is very courageous, and loving to boot. She has a need to feel useful and enjoys that. Thank goodness, she is still human! It is the people around her who are fearful. The private duty care team and an agency care team are there daily to gently provide guidance and support. Should she one day become unable to perform her daily duties, I'm sure the family will make other arrangements. For now, I am honored to know this woman and observe how she so gracefully navigates her own life and that of her husband.

One thing that might help for now is to schedule a caregiver come in a few days a week for 3-4 hours at a time to help out with chores to let your mom rest and relax while the caregiver is there. They could get to know each other and perhaps the caregiver would become a trusted friend. I would look for a caregiver with minimum 5 years experience who has also worked with dementia patients. The caregiver could also keep an eye on her to see how well she does while she is at home. I would have this conversation with your mom and also ask her what she could use some help with at home. Let her tell you what she needs.

I wonder if this neighbor had gone out to gently chat with your mom at the mailbox how that might have enabled her to find the right mailbox. Society tends to treat people who are different than we are with judgment or fear rather than taking a neighborly approach. Also, some of the tasks mom is having difficulty with are technical. I've noticed one of the first things to go with people who have cognitive difficulties are the computer, the TV remote, and sometimes the complicated cell phones. Perhaps this is God's way of knowingly creating teamwork with the ones who need it the most. I also call this "we" work.

My MIL is very much the same. She can, and does follow her various routines. The problem with this kind of dementia is the little things pile up. We’ve all burned the toast or forgotten where we put our car keys. MIL was always nicely made up, clean and well dressed. The house was tidy too. It was easy for us, since we lived far away, to miss what was happening. It wasn’t until we moved back to her area that we began to see it was a carefully done facade. That’s when we discovered she had 21 magazine subscriptions, over $400 in donation requests which she was paying, the condo had serious water damage, and that the brother with POA was liberally helping himself to her funds. The doctor had recognized early dementia, but it wasn’t until I cataloged all the things that had happened that a clear picture emerged. Get all the necessary documentation in order and start looking around for assistance. It may take an “event” like her husband passing, but change is coming and you are right to be concerned.

Yes most definitely.....describes my Levy body diagnosed husband perfectly. I know how confused you must feel!
suzanne