My sister-in-law was suppose to take my mother-in-law 8 months ago when she returned from her vacation, as I were told mom could no long be left alone. We had agreed I would take care of mom while she went on vacation, when she returned she would take mom so we could take our vacation. When she returned she refused to take mom, we would have been happy with the weekend. 8 months later and sister-in-law still refuses to take mom so my husband and I can take a Break. However she wants to visit when ever it fits into her schedule. She refuses to foIlow moms schedule as I have mom on a schedule. She will show up at 1pm and leave between 7pm to 10pm. She doesn't help when she is around she even undermines me. example: mom needs to use a walker as she falls, sister-in-law came in and said what's this, I explained moms walker we have a therapist coming in to help her with her walking but she doesn't like to use it. Sister-in-laws reply, looking at mom, "I don't blame you I wouldn't use it either". After sister-in-law leaves or if mom knows shes comjjng to visit mom becomes very agitated and wont sleep and get real confused. I stopped telling mom when she was coming as someti mes she doesnt show and it helps with the night before her visit. Every time my husband or I requests my sister-in-law take mom, she attacks my husband and I verbally, and then of course she doesn't set anything up to take mom. But she wants me handling everything for mom and I do mean everything. I dont want her at my home any more as she really insulated my husband and I cant take it any more. I have done everything to keep the peace and make sure she could see her mom, but enough is enough! Can I make her pick mom up at the park and give her a time schedule like 12pm to 3:30pm? Mom/we have dinner between 4:00 and 4:30, meds by 6:00 and then bath and getting ready for quite time to relax her for bed. (We are up by 4am daily) sometimes mom doesn't sleep at all so I am up all night and day with her. Mom has stage 5 Alzheimer's and sister-in-law ignored all the signs until I received a call from our local police department, they tried getting a hold of sister-in-law after 5 calls with messages they called me, So my husband and I picked her up and took her to get evaluated. My husband and I both thought sister was the one appointed as power of attorney as she acted like she was, to find out she doesn't have power of attorney and just wants to be in control! Even told us we have to cover all probate taxes when mom passes as we wouldn't allow her to take mom to attorney to have will/estate paper work done as we had already been told mom could not make decisions for herself! Any ideas or feed back help!
Accept the fact that SIL will not help.
Now that we have that established you have options.
MIL can pay for caregivers to come in and help out.
You can begin looking for Memory Care facilities to place MIL
If it is not already this will be a 24/7/365 job and you will need the help of caregivers.
If MIL has the funds you begin using the funds for her care. That is providing caregivers when necessary. Once the funds begin running low application for Medicaid is next. Save all the receipts for caregiving expenses and any other expenses that are incurred. (You can probably "charge" her a portion of the household expenses as well. You really should consult an Elder Care Attorney to make sure there will be no problems when it comes time to apply for Medicaid if that is a possibility)
Back to the caregivers. I suggest at minimum 1 day a week for at least 6 hours, better if you can do 2 days a week.
Also if there is Adult Day Care in your area if she can attend it would be a break for you as well as for her.
Thank you
At the expense of your health and wellbeing? You wrote that sometimes you get no sleep. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
Do you know that 30 - 40% of caregivers of elders with dementia/Alzheimer's die before the elder they are caring for?
Thank you so much for you input! So appreciate the help.❤
I wish you all the best
(((Big hug)))
So for YEARS this has been a pattern, really?
You know what I'm left thinking, though. If you have any fondness left for your MIL at all, do you really want her in SIL's hands?
I mean I'm all for healthy boundaries, and I'm all for people refusing to accept responsibilities they're not prepared to fulfil. Fair enough. But SIL's approach seems to be based on selective uselessness, and that's not a very nice thing to do to your mother if your mother is still counting on you and you know she is.
And, so, I don't think you've said - what's DH view on all this?
This goes back many months to some time last year. Mother was living alone. SIL must have been registered somewhere or with someone as mother's emergency contact, because the local police department - who presumably found mother wandering? Or were called to attend the home? - tried five times to reach SIL before giving up and calling the OP's number instead.
So OP and DH go to scoop mother up from whatever disaster it was, and take mother for an evaluation, and are told - lo and behold - mother has galloping Alzheimer's.
SIL receives this news with acute concern, as demonstrated by her departing immediately on vacation.
Now it's this next bit that I'm stuck on.
"We had agreed I would take care of mom while she went on vacation, when she returned she would take mom so we could take our vacation. When she returned she refused to take mom..."
When you say "we had agreed" etc. How exactly did SIL express her agreement with that plan? What exactly did she agree to?
Bigger problem: so it has emerged, has it, that nobody has POA for mother? And mother still owns a house that she cannot live in again? You and DH are correct that mother cannot now create a power of attorney; so you'd better take advice on what to do.
Mother will need her finances and her assets managed and her future care planned whatever happens next, and you'd have thought it better for mother that DH steps up for this role than a daughter who is taking the laissez-faire approach perhaps a little too far.
Why are you the one who has to take care of her 24/7? What does your H (her son) do? What kinds of caregiving duties do you have to do?
So who has POA/HCPOA?
What is MIL's financial situation? Could she qualify for Medicaid?
What about a facility? Don't listen to any blowback from SIL or your H even about how they can't "put Mama in a nursing home." THEY aren't taking care of her now; YOU are.
I am wondering if SIL has been taking $ from MIL...what do you think? She's already been shown to be a liar when she said she'd take MIL when she got back from vacation 8 months ago.
I’m sorry. I can empathize. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home and several years before that when she was still in her home without help from my siblings. It was physically and emotionally exhausting.
I burned out. I did tell mom to leave. She is now with my brother and sister in law. Mom has Parkinson’s disease. She did not want to go to a facility and caring for her as her disease progressed was so hard. I have PTSD too.
The memories are very difficult to deal with, even though I have been in therapy. All I want is peace. I do feel relief since the burden of caregiving is gone.
My relationship with mom became so strained. I never had a great relationship with my siblings before and now it is non existent due to various issues. I have only spoken to mom briefly on the phone a couple of times. I have had to protect myself emotionally.
I hope you heal from your past and that I do too. I feel we will always have scars but we must do our best to move forward in our lives.
Take care 💗.
It's very important that you and hubby come to accept this with regards to SIL (sis-in-law). Once you accept this, it will empower you both to take back your home and authority over it. When my SIL told me and fave sis that we should lock up our mom in the bedroom, sis yelled at her for suggesting it. Brother kicked us out of his house.
If you think it's difficult now, I promise you it's going to be soooo much worse as the years go by. Your home is going to become like a prison, where neither one of you wants to go home to do the caregiving. When my mom started showing signs of dementia, my dad was able to get social workers and even consultation with a doctor who helped explained to us what was ahead of us. They helped us get meals-on-wheels for mom, weekly visits from a gov't sponsored caregiver program (3 hours a week) so that the caregiver can go and do some me-time like shopping or the movies, etc...
P.S.. I almost couldn't answer here. It brought up memories and I started hyperventilating. Left this thread but came back because I felt compelled to answer... I think I'm having PTSD.. Hope you and hubby can avoid this...
Why do you let this woman into your home? She is rude to undermine you. She is rude to your husband. Don’t allow her to come back. If she wants to see her mom she can pick her up and bring her to her home.
Have you considered a facility for your mother in law? Sounds like it is becoming too hard to care for her.
I think you might find that if SIL were to come here and post "my brother and his wife are trying to make me take care of my mother" she would have substantial support for her point of view. You and your husband can't make SIL do anything if she doesn't choose to.
But that cuts both ways. Your SIL is NOT in charge of what you and your husband decide YOU will do.
What other options for MIL's care are you considering?