I take care of her due to the fact no one else will! I shrink at the thought of her touching me because I know it is because I’m the only one left that will visit her! She is difficult to be around with the continuous paranoia and passive aggressive behavior. I feel trapped because in my heart of hearts I know if someone more interesting came along I would be kicked to the curb! She was never physically affectionate with me or my brother and now she wants physical affection from me and I become totally grossed out! What do I do, I feel so bad having these feelings!
If you feel you must visit out of some perceived obligation then visit 1 time a month, 2 times a month or 1 time a week. Whatever YOU feel YOU can do. Set a timer on your phone for your 10-15 minute visit. Then leave.
On the other hand if visiting is not emotionally healthy for you then do not visit at all.
Emotional health and safety is just as important as physical health and safety. If your mother had beaten you and left you with visible scars, bruises and broken bones no one would question the reason you do not want to visit. Just because a wound is not visible does not mean it is less important or less of a wound.
Do what you feel is right for you.
So now it's for you to decide what the relationship will be with her, if in fact you even want to have one. It's okay if you don't.
Keep in mind that everything you do for her and every time you visit her it's an act of pure kindness and generosity on your part.
You have to forgive yourself and get past the guilt that controls you. You don't deserve that. Try therapy to help get past the guilt you have.
I knew many a bored and lonely elder who complained that their kids don't bother with them and don't care. Usually I knew the other side of the story from their adult kids. You know what I always told these people?
If you plant a field of resentment and indifference, don't expect a crop of love and understanding when it's harvest time.
Know what I always told the adult children these elderly people?
Everything you do for your undeserving parent is a gift of kindness and generosity to yourself.
This doesn't mean you have to visit her every day. You decide how much contact you have. This doesn't mean you have to become a slave to her needsor tolerate abuse from her. When she starts up with the passive/aggressive behavior and paranoid nonsense start up, cut her off. Hang up if you're on the phone with her. End the visit if it's in person.
You set the tone of the visit. If physical contact with her makes you uncomfortable, don't allow it. If you don't want to hear her complaining crap, refuse to listen.
So, what your mother 'wants' and what she will 'get' from you are likely two different things. Give what you are able to give and not what you are unable to give. Visit when you can, stay until things become intolerable, and then leave. Me, I never visited mom alone b/c one time she told me something SO foul, that I decided it was not wise to visit her alone anymore. So I'd take my DH with me as a buffer. If she became too toxic, I could leave the room and have DH take over 'entertaining' her b/c she'd never act up TOO badly with him. This is why the buffer idea was a good one.
Do what you can and not what you can't. Deal with mother on YOUR terms now, you're no longer a child living in HER home, but an adult visiting her.
You're entitled to your feelings; feelings have no consequence unless they're acted upon. You've earned the right to dislike your mother and/or her behaviors, as I earned the right to dislike my mother and her behaviors. Before I acted out on MY feelings, however, I'd leave her presence. So I never had anything to feel 'guilty' about with respect to my OWN behavior. I'd stay as long as I could bear to, and then take off. I suggest you do the same. Don't dole out physical affection b/c it's unnatural and not warranted ANYWAY. A small hug or air kiss on your way out should suffice in terms of 'affection.' You get what you get from me, mom, just as I got what I got from YOU growing up.
Wishing you the best of luck carving out a relationship with your mother that works for YOU and that's all done on YOUR terms now.
As a mother and daughter (Nana too), I am so very saddened to read about the travails you experienced with your mother in her ALZ years, likely a clear vocalization of a rejection you'd always felt as a child growing up with a mother who never wanted to adopt. I am so sorry that you had to live this for your whole life as an unspoken feeling that was voiced fully once the filters were gone from her.
As an adoptive mom, I cannot imagine any parent not fully embracing the love shared with and between a mother and child. It's kind of funny but with my daughter and I, ppl are always trulyy surprised to learn that we're not of biological connection; everyone who knows us assumes that she's my biological child even though she's full black and I'm white.
I am so very much an part of my grandkids' lives that they've taken on a lot of me, my traits, both good and not so much, just as with any close multigenerational family. Of course, they know that I'm they're not of my DNA, but they sure know to their hearts that I am their Nana (great Grandma has the Grandma title still). Never ever would I hold the slightest regret that I carried my daughter in my heart and that God designed to bring her to me.
I am so sorry that you had to hear these feelings expressed by this mother who raised you and sincerely hope that your wounds are now fully healed.
My dad came from an abusive household. No physical affection, lots of verbal abuse, maybe physical, too -- he never got into details.
He grew up to be a kind and loving family man and a pillar of his community. No one in the community knew about his ppbringing, nor did my brother and I until about 10 years ago.
After hearing some of my dad's stories of his upbringing I asked him how in the world he became the wonderful person he was, and he said,
"Whenever I didn't know how to handle something, I'd ask myself what my parents would have done. Then I do the opposite."
That, in my opinion is how you get past trauma. My dad was not a repressed personality, but he chose not to dwell on the negatives and he made a conscious effort not to let those experiences form who he'd become unless he could learn from them by doing the opposite. He knew that by hanging on to the memories and bitterness, the actions of his parents would last long after they were gone. He cared for my grandmother in her old age because in spite of her failings as a mother, she tried.
Think about that as you make your choices.
My MIL had the same experience as your dad. Her mother was a witch!
My MIL would often say, “Most people learn what to do from their mothers. I learned what NOT to do from my mother!
Oh, if only everyone could be as wise as your father and my mother in law! There would be a lot less heartaches in this world.
Unfortunately, some people pass on abuse because it is all they know. It’s their frame of reference. Others are exceptionally intuitive like your dad and my mother in law and break cycles of abuse.
Thank you for sharing this information. I often share about my MIL. She was an amazing woman who died far too early in life, age 68 due to non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
Some people in spite of their past difficulties learn how to show love to others. It’s remarkable.
Many people need help to overcome their past trauma. I truly hope that they will seek out the help that is needed for them to live fulfilling lives.
I was her only child, and during my entire early life, in fact until I was married in my early 30s, she was a tragic agoraphobic, and never saw any of my graduations or recitals or performances because of her illness.
In her last years, we BOTH learned how to come together for each other.
I was open to acknowledging that she had been a wonderful amazing grandmother, and she learned to acknowledge in her own damaged ways that she loved me sincerely as her daughter.
Her dementia actually allowed me to overlook and release a lot of what had been her earlier years, and we both benefited for the changes I made.
In a sense, you are fully in control of how “close” you want your relationship to be. See if it helps if you can frame your interactions as being with a damaged stranger, who no longer has the capacity to herself willfully damage you or your brother.
After all the years of flawed interactions with my mother, our last years were pretty much smoother. I treasure that time. Living through all of the steps helped me to grow as a human being.
I hope you’ll be able to let your mother give you that gift, as my damaged mother did for me.
What a great saying about, well, basically, reaping what you've sown!
I was not close to my mother. I tried, as best as a kid can and even as a child knew, somehow, she was not capable of truly loving without expecting anything in return.
I've always felt that if you have one person in your life who loves you unconditionally, you are lucky. If you have 2, you're beyond blessed.
My dad and his mom were my 2. And it was enough to get me through to adulthood where I choose to love and am loved in return.
Don't play 'tit for tat'--be kind, considerate and compassionate as your soul allows you. The person who suffers is the one who didn't/couldn't love you.
(Lest you think I'm a really great person, I have to add that I have zero relationship with my MIL. I truly tried and beyond--but being with her was so depressing and negative, I was counseled to cut all ties with her. We don't have ANY kind of relationship, good or bad. Just...nothing. And sometimes that has to be OK, too.)
I totally agree with you. I was lucky that both of my MIL's were cool, but my first one was like a real mother to me even after I got divorced from her son. She understood that I couldn't live with the alcoholism anymore. The first person who truly loved me was her son, my first husband. Then of course their huge Polish clan of a family, and there was a lot them. He never wanted anything in return and he could refuse me nothing. I wanted my little brother to live with us, and he moved in. I quit any job I didn't like and he never cared. When he got sick and was at the end of his life, I was married to my second husband. I still took care of him though. He understood why I did and had no problem with it.
My second husband was the other love of my life. I've been lucky in love and am luckier still that we came back to each other.
The bonding has to happen when the children are young.
If a parent misses out on establishing a relationship during these foundational years it isn’t going to be easy for the child to make an intimate connection later on.
In rare cases it is possible to build a new foundation but it usually doesn’t happen.
When my brother was still a baby she would leave us alone all night, I was 11 when he was born, she was out partying.
I went no contact with her 11 years ago, I had to choose me or her, I chose me.'
Happiest 11 years of my adult life, to me she is dead.
I'm so sorry that you had such a life. It's sad when children have to be the parents. Your brother was lucky to have an older sister who stepped up to be like a mother to him. I know that role all too well.