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The doctor agrees that they need to be there. It is so hard hearing they want to come home. We can't financially or physically meet all of their needs.

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From previous posts you talked about the need for parents to go to a NH. There are no posts saying you finally were able to place them. I will assume from ur Sept 17 post and this one that you were able to place them.

This was a big hurdle to get over but seems you were able to do it. Do not remove either of them. This is where they need to be. In ur profile you mention they may both may suffer from a Dementia. If so, over time they will need more and more care. Both are already incompetent. One of your posts you talk about how you dreaded your turn to care for them. Soooo, its time for little white lies. "Sorry Mom but the doctor says, for now, this is where u and Dad need to be." Or be honest "Mom your care has become too much for brother and I. You need people who know how to care for you". Those suffering from a Dementia usually want to go home. Its familiar to them. You need to allow Mom to adjust. A month is not a long time. If Dementia is involved, she may not remember what you say. You may need to learn how to redirect.

From your posts I know Mom is not an easy person. Don't feel you need to visit every day. If you aren't in the mood, don't go. They are safe and being cared for.
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Kaye55 Oct 2021
Thank you.
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Barb is right; your parents are living in Skilled Nursing because their doctor feels it's best for them at this point in time. Should the DOCTOR change his or her mind, then you can consider alternative arrangements. Of course, that's not going to happen. And of course, parents don't take into consideration that it's impossible for a daughter to take on their care at home with the myriad issues that require attention 24/7. Teams of younger people work in shifts at the SNF to accomplish what ONE person is trying to do alone at home!!!

My mother is almost 95 with advanced dementia, wheelchair bound, severe neuropathy in her legs/feet, congestive heart failure, pulmonary hypertension, incontinent, and about 10 more issues too numerous to mention. She lives in Memory Care AL and constantly says she 'wants to go home' when in reality, she hasn't had a home since 2011 when she and dad sold it to move close to me across the country. She feels that 'family' should be taking care of her, but the only family left is me (an only child), my son and my daughter who each have exhausting jobs and my son has an infant baby. I'm 64 with a bad back and other health issues, my DH is getting a liver transplant in Feb 1000 miles away, etc., and there is no way on God's green earth we can care for her here. Her wheelchair wouldn't even fit into our bathrooms! So it's hard to be asked these kinds of questions all the time and not feel sad and guilty when composing a response. The truth is, however, that we're not qualified to conduct this level of care in our homes, especially for TWO elderly parents with so many health issues. I see that your dad went downhill dramatically after the covid shots; I'm sorry to hear that.

For 4 years, I had 2 parents to worry about and put them up in Independent Living until dad fell & broke his hip. Then I had to get them both placed in Assisted Living under emergency conditions and it was quite hard to deal with, so I can sympathize with your plight, having both folks to deal with at the same time. Very emotionally exhausting, to say the least.

Please let your folks know that they're in the SNF under doctor's orders and go visit them as often as possible. That's all you can do, and me as well. My mother's $$ will be running out soon for private pay, so I'll have to apply for Medicaid to get her into Skilled Nursing soon with a roommate. I can only imagine the 'conversations' we'll have after that happens, God help me.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
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You don't "convince" them. You tell them that the doctor says this is where they need to be right now.

Is your mother's depression being adequately treated, hopefully by a geriatric psychiatrist?
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Kaye55 Oct 2021
Thank you. I will check on this. My brother is the POA. It is true about the convince part.
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