My wife and I have been married 38 years. I retired 6 years ago and had hoped to enjoy my “golden years” with her, but her mother... Any advice?

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My wife and I have been married 38 years. I retired 6 years ago and had hoped to enjoy my “golden years” with her, but her mother... Any advice?

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...lives next door to us (in a 3-bedroom house that we own) and is now 100 years old. We’ve both been caring for her for well over 25 years. Despite her advanced age, she’s in excellent physical health but has developed some dementia in recent years. As her needs increase, my wife has to spend more time with her; we do her shopping, take her for doctor visits, give her daily meds and my wife cooks most of her meals. I believe her mother will live many more years and my wife absolutely refuses to even consider putting her in an assisted living facility. As a result of caring for her mother, we can’t travel anywhere together (I take occasional trips by myself but we haven’t had a vacation together in over 10 years). My mother-in-law is a sweet lady and I sincerely hope she lives to be 110, but as I tell my wife, not in our 3-bedroom house with us caring for her every day. Our “golden years” are passing us by and I’m not proud to say that I’m becoming increasingly resentful toward both my wife and her mother. As many relatives and friends have told us, her mother belongs in an assisted living living facility and we should get on with our lives. In my wife’s defense, she has no siblings to share the responsibility with, but we have the resources to put her mother in assisted living, where she would be well cared for and have some social life. I’ve seriously considered leaving my wife over this- I think I’d be justified in doing this - but I just don’t have the heart to go through with it.

Her mother no longer has all her faculties and would never do this to us knowingly, but she’s slowly destroying our marriage. My brother died at age 62 a few years ago and I’m starting to think my mother-in-law will outlive me. After a very successful career, I’ve looked forward to enjoying my retirement with the woman I love but it looks like that’s not in my foreseeable future. Am I being selfish to want to enjoy my retirement years with my wife while we still have our health? I’m not a very religious person, but isn’t there something in the Bible about a married couple leaving their parents and “cleaving” to one another? In my view, my wife has broken one of our wedding vows (to “forsake all others”) by putting her mother’s needs above mine, for a long time. I’ve always been good to her mother, but how much more can reasonably be expected of me? As I’ve told my wife, I married her- not her mother. I’ve become depressed over this and I’m just about ready to pack my stuff and head south- with or without my wife. By the way, we’re 60 years old and I’ve been wanting to move from NJ to Florida for years- and I’ve even offered to bring my mother-in-law with us and find her an assisted living facility in whatever area we relocate to. Would I be a monster to force my wife to make a choice- her mother or me?

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Welp, my apologies. Should have read earlier post before I responded! If you are sending letters to her doctor and don't want your wife to know? That changes things. My response was meant for those of us who accept the situation, but feel helpless about how to deal with it and incur losses before we get it figured out. I'm not one to tell others what to do. Everyone has to do what they think is best. But come on now, if it's your wife's refusal to accept the situation? That makes it quite a bit different. Sorry guys, took me a minute to catch on. If I'm wrong? Feel free to correct me if necessary.

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You sound like such a great guy and I'm sorry for what is happening with you. My significant other left me after 13 years because I just could not figure out (at that time) how to balance all of it. It's such a convoluted situation when things like this are thrown at you. By the time I figured it out, it was just to late. Which I understand more now that I've had time to deal with the way things went. Part of the sacrifices you make when you don't know any better when you're taking care of your parent. Ahh, hindsight. I kinda feel like, no one is to blame. Everyone has to do what they need to do. Sometimes other people get hurt in that process, even tho that is NEVER what anyone wanted to happen. No matter what side of the equation you are on.

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Jack Cooper I'm in kind of the same situation as you, but on a smaller scale. My husband is 74 and I am 73. We had some good retirement years even though I helped care for my own mother for 8 years. We went on cruises because I swapped out time with my sisters staying with mom. All this time his mom was living independently with us helping her out. One year after my mom died, my husband suffered an aortic aneurysm. It was repaired and his doctor said he could get back to normal activities. Then one month later his mother broke her hip, refused to do rehab, so is now in a nursing home where she has been for three years. He started out going to see her every day! I went along with for a while because hecwas still recovering from the aneurysm surgery but finally told him it was ridiculous to go every day. I pretty much refused to keep it up but he still insists on going way too much. It has stressed him out so much that he had a heart attack in October. Thanks to me me realizing what was happening and getting him to ER he did not have any damage and was able to get two stents in a 100% blocked artery! Doing good except for some high blood pressure which I'm sure is caused by the situation with
his mother. He had never taken any medicine and is now on so much his kidneys are in danger. She is 99 years old so I keep hoping she will pass on peacefully. I know this will be viewed as wrong by some people and that I appear selfish. But until you have dealt with it you don't know what it's like. Sometimes it looks like she will outlive us! One thing I get so tired of is people going on about how wonderful it will be if she can live to be 100! My question is "wonderful for whom?" She hasn't walked in three years, has not been happy in 10 years, she has dementia and we spent thousands of dollars before she got on Medicaid. Just hope we can hang in here till she's gone!

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I feel you are completely justified with your feelings. I hope you do not have many more years of servitude. It will never cease to amaze me how so many are taken young and others live on and on with no quality of life. I hope you are able to find the strength you need for your journey in caring.

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You're an amazing man Jack Cooper. God bless you.

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Jack, from all you have shared with us it sounds like your wife has checked out from the marriage completely.

I read a book 40 years ago and a wise woman said, as long as they are talking to you, you have nothing to worry about, it's when they stop talking you need to be concerned. Does your wife ever talk to you or does she just give you minimal answers?

You may need to make a decision about where you two go from here. Just looking the other way is destroying you and consuming your brain. She has made it clear that she is doing exactly what she will be doing until her mom dies. Can you continue to live like this indefinitely and not be filled with resentment for your wife?

Unfortunatly things change and what was meant to be forever doesn't quite make it. Don't let her stubborn refusal that there is a problem keep you prisoner.

Tell her for me, when your husband says it's a problem, it's a fricken problem, for him, it's a problem, don't be a idiot and disregard his feelings, the cost may be more than you are willing to pay and if you have already checked out, grow up and tell him. Heart games are evil.

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I'm beginning to think there is no good answer. A few weeks agoI wrote that my marriage absolutely would come first and I stand by that but since I wrote that my mother fell and fractured her C1. No paralysis but at 88 this is taking its toll on her. She is. Urgently in rehab, I flew back from wintering in Florida and am currently staying at her house preparing for her return. My husband will return from Florida in about 6 weeks. He is supportive of anything I need to do. I.e. move her in with us, me stay with her, whatever it takes but I had her in Florida for the winter for five years and it wasn't easy and now things r worse. In PA I live an hour from her, my sister lives five mi utes from her and my brother 20 mi utes from her. Tomake a long story short, putting ones life completely on hold to care for someone takes a huge emotional, physical, pyscological committment and I am finding whether u have a spouse or not, u have to think of ur own needs. SinceI have been here, I am gaining weight since the town she lives in has absolutely no gym, no weight loss centers, not even a stop light. NOTHING. My back pain is worse because I can't walk long distances and rely on the gym to keep my back pain free as well as a massage therapist(the closest is 25 miles away). My point is at what price do we pay to care for our parents. I won't destroy my health, I won't ignore my husband, even thought he is supportive. I need him. I will give my mother a month when she gets home and evaluate her ability to live alone then but I won't destroy my health and marriage! I don't think she would want me too. You need to talk to ur wife about this and help her to see that her health and ur marriage are priority.

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He's already talked to his wife about this. She will not listen. Read his responses in this thread.

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As a song from back in the 60's or 70's said "speaking words of wisdom, let her be, let her be." Go on with your life, for how she is, is not your fault, nor can you fix her or control her. All you can do is put yourself on a healthier path and maybe she will wake up, but even then it is not guaranteed.

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Since, she's not listening to you, then I would not listen to her. Let her solve her mom's problems herself. She wants to be in her own little world, then let her function in that little world, all alone, doing it her way. Otherwise, you might be enabling her delusions.

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From all that he's said I gather that he's a loyal guy and he's not going to leave no matter what and his wife knows that so she's doing what she wants because she knows she won't lose him. He said he'd be justified in leaving her but doesn't "have the heart". At least he's going to Italy on his own in April!

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Or, the doctor attempted to do run the mini mental state check and a) your MIL passed it (I think pass is 24/30, just from memory); or b) for some reason it wasn't possible to carry out the test.

Doesn't guessing just drive you up the wall, though? Aren't you tired of all these games?

What about. Show the letter you sent to your MIL's doctor to your wife. Give her time to read it. Ask her if anything you have said is not true, or not important.

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Thanks Countrymouse, that’s not a bad idea. I know she’ll be upset by it, but I’ll mull it over. If I thought it would change anything, I’d definitely show it to her. At this point, my concern is that it might only further alienate us and I’m not sure that would be of any benefit. Think I’m gonna have to sleep on that one. Thanks for the suggestion.

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As an update, during my wife's morning visit to check her mother a few days ago, she found her sitting in her cold living room, wearing a sweater and with a blanket over her. Apparently her heat went out sometime overnight. She was okay, but her house was very cold inside. My wife called me and I went over and quickly fixed her heat (fortunately it was an easy repair). Not surprisingly, my MIL didn’t call either of us; I’ve no doubt she would not have ever called. In fact, I think if there was a fire in her house she couldn't even dial 9-1-1. If my wife hadn’t checked her mother that cold morning, there’s no doubt she would have remained sitting in her recliner until she froze to death. Now, is there anyone on this forum who would suggest that my MIL doesn’t belong in Assisted Living? As a footnote, my wife took her mother to our family doctor yesterday for her every 3-month checkup. Without my wife’s knowledge but with the best of intentions, I wrote a detailed letter to our doctor (in advance if my MIL’s checkup) explaining our situation and describing the morning my wife found her mother in her cold house. As I pointed out in my letter to the good doctor, I realize that she cannot discuss one patient’s condition or treatment with another. However, I know for a fact that a doctor can read a letter or acquire independent information about a patient’s welfare without violating any professional ethics. So, I very politely asked our doctor if she could perform a very basic test of my MIL’s memory (just a few questions such as how old she is, what year it is, her birthday, etc.) and, depending on her findings, discuss her living situation with my wife- who would accompany her mother to the doctor (and undoubtedly attempt to answer the doctor’s questions of her mother). I suggested to the doctor that, if she agreed that a 100-year-old woman with dementia shouldn’t be living alone in a house, perhaps she could gently suggest this to my wife. I know for a FACT that my MIL wouldn’t be able to answer the basic questions I suggested (age, birthday, current year) in my letter. I very politely explained to our doctor that I didn’t expect her to report back to me; I also explained the impact my MIL was unknowingly having on our marriage. I emphasized that I cared very much about my MIL’s well-being and didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I was waiting for her to die. To the contrary- as I might have stated elsewhere- I hope she lives to be 110, but not right next door to us with my wife having to care for her. My letter to the doctor was polite and I believe passionate; I also begged her not to disclose my letter to my wife (hopefully she honored that request). When my wife returned from her visit to the doctor, I casually asked her how it went. Her response. “Fit as a fiddle.” So, either one of two things happened here: 1) the doctor didn’t want to involve herself in the matter and decided against assessing my MIL’s current mental state, or 2) my wife is flat-out lying to me. As much as I hate to say this, I believe the latter is the more likely possibility. At this point, it really doesn’t make much difference as far as I’m concerned. It was really nothing more than a last ditch effort on my part to see if my wife would listen to a medical professional. Once again, I’d like to thank everyone on this form for their advice and kindness – whether critical of me or not.

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That pretty much should tell you that your wife is not going to listen or change what she is doing. I wrote my mom’s dr a letter outlining her issues and he was very responsive to this. I find it hard to believe that a dr would just ignore a letter like yours, because you are now on record (if dr made it part of MIL chart), and if something happens due to dr inaction, you could take legal action. Why don’t you stop by that office on your own to ask if the dr did read and utilize the information you sent?
My heart just breaks for you and so many others in this same type of situation. Be well.

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"Still Called Today"

There a hole the size of a cruel word
In a wounded heart somewhere that's learning to hide the pain
There's a thorn stuck in the conscience of someone who spoke a word in anger
And they can't wash away the stain, sorry's such a hard word to say

[Chorus]
But while it's still called today, won't somebody make it right
Before the day slips into night and the moments waste away
While it is still called today, we've got to say the words
That are longing to be heard 'cause tomorrow may be too late
Go on and say what you need to say while it is still called Today.

There's a girl who's waiting day after day
To hear her daddy say "I love you,"
now the days have turned to years
There's a wall that silence has turned to stone
Between a man and woman, she's holding back the tears
And he's holding on to his fears

[Chorus]

'Cause there's a time when the sun goes down
And the flowers are laid on the grave
Will the tears that fall to the ground
Be the tears of regret for the words someone didn't say.

A song by Steven Curtis Chapman

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There are so many people who will appreciate having you as a friend and partner. Your wife doesn't realize what she is missing but that will be her regret. Please, please live your life and enjoy every minute of it. I'm 74 and work part-time to afford the things I love. Life is particularly short when you get to this age so don't waste a minute of it. If your wife doesn't want to share the journey with you, it is her choice and her loss. You offered and you simply can't rescue those who don't realize they need to be rescued. Move forward with hope, our good wishes and God's blessings. And please share your journey with us on the forum.

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Thank you so much for those kind words! I’m going to do my best to follow your advice!

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Jack,

Your wife is so lucky to have you. Unfortunately, she just doesn’t know it!

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True for his wife is blinded by her emotional enmeshment with her mother or in legal language, the estrangement of affection.

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Jack, you sounded great in your most recent post. I wish you the very best!

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Jack...i just read your 9 march post....im so very proud that you have made plans for yourself! I know there are pros and cons on this forum. You have given this situation your all and have tried everything you can possibly try to get your wife’s attention. She is the one to make the decision to do everything for her mother, for whatever reasons she feels, and to ignore your married life.
Please, please, now is your time to go and enjoy yourself, and yes please be guilt free!!! There are those of us who appreciate all you have done to help your wife and MIL....however, its apparent that your wife doesn’t. I know that realization comes at a huge cost to you, the hurt, and whatever else you feel. Im thankful you got therapy.
enjoy your trips and please let us know how you do!!!!
Love and Blessings to you!!

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Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding cherokeegrrl54. I’ve tried and tried over and over and over... but she just won’t budge. I believe she will someday look back and regret the choices she’s made and I’ve told her this several times; who knows, I may also look back with regret- but I hope to have some interesting memories as well. Every time I learn of a friend, acquaintance or old schoolmate in our age range passing away, I make sure to bring it to my wife’s attention. I don’t dwell on it (at least not for too long) but I emphasize that we’re at an age where we should make the most of every day we have remaining. After all, how many GOOD years do you have left when you reach your sixties? Could be 10 more years, maybe 15 if we’re fortunate, but then again it could also be one or two. I think I mentioned in a previous post that one of my older brothers died about 3 years ago at age 62. His death had a proudlund effect on me, but my wife seems to think we’ll live forever. Every time I ask her if she’d like to take a nice long trip to somewhere like France, or Italy, or China, her answer is always the same: someday. Well, as I tell her, “someday” has arrived- at least for me. I truly hope “someday” will arrive for her, but I suspect it’s a few years away. Again, my thanks for your kindness and understanding.

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Half of everything is yours and it's yours to do with as you choose. Put your important paperwork together - living will, durable POA, will - and go travel knowing that you are living your best life.

Although you aren't going to divorce or separate your wife, do you have another bedroom in your house that you can make yours? I cannot imagine what it must feel like to go to sleep next to someone who has withdrawn from me. Physical separation may be preferable and may protect what little is left of the relationship with your wife.

I'm not sure if you've addressed this in your answers but do you have children? If yes, I would consider making one of your children your POA rather than your wife. Unfortunately, your wife isn't there for you.

I'm happy to read that you have decided to get busy being busy. Life is a gift and that's why it's called the present. Peace.

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Those sound like some good ideas. I would think after doing this for awhile, at some point, if it were me, I probably would begin to be miserable going "home" and then would be more easily able to make that final decision of leaving for good.

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I hear things like this over and over again...... very sad. My advice is this, and I have done it and been blessed doing so. If your wife refuses to see life running away from you and is so involved with her mother, who has lived her life and should encourage BOTH OF YOU to now live your lives, I don't think there is much you can do. However, I have a suggestion. YOU want to live life to the fullest. Don't wait another minute. Have one last talk with your wife who I doubt will budge. Then go to the nearest travel agency and start going on fabulous vacations and get involved in all the things that make you happy - AND DO IT. You can always take your wife if she is willing to go but don't count on it. Just start doing things for YOU. You might be disappointed but I assure you the day will come where you will realize how blessed you were to have had the guts to do this. My husband flatly refused to travel - several reasons. He just wanted to play golf. I told him before we were married, I wanted to see the world and was going to travel and he promised to go with me. (Ha - what an idiot I was to believe him.) So I travelled to 33 countries by myself and it was the greatest gift ever I could have in my life (other than my beloved animals). I thank God daily I had the guts to make those vacations possible. Don't ever wait on someone when they hold you back - go make memories.

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Good for you, Riley--not many people would be brave enough to travel extensively while their spouse stays home. Bet it expanded your outlook to see so many places.

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jackcooper, I'm with ML4444 !!!! Come to Florida! I am single! I lost my husband when he was 49.... I would be so thrilled to have someone good in my life.

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I agree. I thought it would be wonderful if he could meet someone on this site. Too many lives here drifting nowhere or stuck in place.

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Jack, your wife is a fool and will regret her decision to choose her mother over you. Especially since you have offered many options to help the MIL. I would be so happy to have a husband like you and would always put him first. You’re still young - your happiness and well being counts too.
I’m sure this won’t be a popular response to some on this board, but I don’t care. I’m stuck in a situation similar, and I AM resentful that I don’t get to enjoy my retirement carefree like my parents did. Their selfishness knows no bounds.
I wish you so much good, and best wishes in your travel and future.

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Thank you so much for your understanding and kind words.

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Sounds like Dr. Phil needs to answer this one. I think Dr. Phil might say communication is the key to this dilemma. I care for my mother because there are no funds to put her anywhere. She went to a assisted facility for a short time when I got sick. I checked it from top to bottom before I sent her there. She loved it there, she didn't want to come back!. You need to tell your wife that she needs to go with you to check out facilities. Not a nursing Home, an assisted facility or private home for the aging. Your wife may not understand that her mom may be happier with people her own age. And she does what she does to make herself feel better not because she is the only one on the planet who can take care of her mother. She can go visit, or even bring mom home sometimes. She is not pawning her mother off to someone else. She is not abandoning her mother. Be patient with your wife and both of you start talking. Go get a counselor if you need too

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He has done all you suggest. His wife won't consider any of that. Read his post again and his responses to others.

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Oh my. Feel like I'm on both sides of this fence. Not that you haven't, but maybe sit down and look at her in the eyes. Tell her you can't do this like this anymore. If she is like I was, she may not respond so well. But at least, you know you tried. And you can move on and do what you need what you need to do for yourself. Trying to keep up with the posts, but it seems like you traveled some? Hope you had a good time.

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Read his latest comments in response to polarbear on March 9th. He's already tried your suggestion and she did not respond well.

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So sorry that your wife won’t join you on your trips. I’m glad you are going anyway. Enjoy! You deserve it!

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(For other posters - Jack's latest response is today, and you can find it below my post on March 9)

Jack - glad to hear you're making plans to travel. West coast in April, then Italy in May. Sounds very nice. Live your life as best as you can so that you won't have any regrets.

Your so called "wife" is doing just that with her life. I seriously doubt she will have any regrets with regards to ignoring and disregarding her marital vows. She is emotionally and physically married to her mother. Sadly, I think she will be lost when her mother passes away, but she won't miss you much when you're gone. She already shows you proof of that by not even responding to your invitation to visit the West coast. She doesn't care whether you stay or leave.

My suggestion is for your therapist to help you get over your "wife". You are hoping that she will regret when you're gone because you're still hoping for her love/appreciation/validation/approval, etc. Please please let all of that go. Chuck it up to your biggest life mistake (that you married her) and now you're going to make the best of things starting today.

Your "wife" is trying to be the martyr to her mother, sacrificing her life for dear mom. I won't be surprised if she thinks to herself: "Here I am taking care of a sick old mother day and night, and my husband is off to the West coast having a good old time. Doesn't he care about me?"

Please ask your therapist to help you to get to the point where you don't need your" wife"'s validation or approval, at which point she can't hurt you anymore.

Do come back and tell us how your West Coast trip goes. Not sure if you're going by yourself or with a tour group. I recommend tour groups at least the first time so that you will hit all the well known and famous destinations, and you have other travelers to talk to and have fun with.

Enjoy!

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Amen! Awesome! Go for it Jack!

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From your March 8 response to Mary Kathleen on March 3, I see you are like a flat tire. I don't know if you have ever seen the movie "Ordinary People" but you remind me of the defeated and divorced husband. It sounds like you feel there is nothing left of the marriage or you. Maybe there is not if ya'll have not been able to have a real, calm, heart to heart talk about this. You sound deeply depressed. What does your therapist recommend? Your therapist sounds very passive in all of this experience.

You two took a vow to stick together in sickness and health, etc. until death do we part and not in sickness and health of another family member until death do they part. Otherwise, she's married emotionally for years to her mother and you have likely suspected this in your heart for a long time. When an adult child has not really left mom or dad, the emotional intimacy that married people enjoy is not possible.

My wife and I each had our own emotional enmeshement issues with our moms which took some time to see and deal with via therapy, and we now enjoy the intimacy that we did not have for years. I can feel your pain.

Take care of yourself.

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I have more questions for Jack (and anyone who is taking his side.)

I have tried to say there are two sides to every story and multiple ways to compromise, if one is truly committed to working things out - we're hearing mostly one side, with a few anecdotes sprinkled in AND threats of ultimatums... for those who say you don't marry your in-laws, I do recall those "vows" include for better or worse, in sickness and health.... ):

Here are the questions:
1) Let's say the wife (and potentially MIL) agrees to the move to AL. How would this *really* change anything, if the wife is devoted to her mother? It could end up that the wife spends even MORE time away from home, visiting mom at the AL!!!
2) Let's say the ultimatum is presented and the wife reluctantly agrees - how much will she resent you for that? If MIL has medical issues or dies while in AL, who do you think will be the focus of blame for that?

This is not an easy situation to deal with, but it WILL require finesse and compromise.

Long-suffering or not, long term care for MIL next door or not, if someone professes to love someone and dreams of spending their "golden years" with them, how superficial is that claim if that same someone threatens to throw it all away? I stress again, we do NOT know the wife's side of this story, with the exception of a few indications that she (and MIL??) reject AL or 24/7 care. Was it the result of an adult conversation or badgering/threats? Unless we have the whole story, we can only commiserate with OP (yes, I DO understand giving up what was planned and dreamed of!) and make suggestions to HELP resolve the issue, not encourage selfish behavior (on either side, although given all we do know, I don't consider the wife caring for her mother as being selfish!)

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I don't think you understand this emotionally. This has been going on for 25 years? you leave all others and cleave to your spouse, no other third party, but God.

Consider this, if the shoe was on the other foot and you were married with the same dynamics as he has going on, would you not feel like he does?

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I"m surprised that your therapist is just passively letting you vent instead of helping you to help yourself by establishing some boundaries with consequences. Maybe they have some ideas on how to get your wife to come to therapy.

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Jack - so glad to see you come back to comment and share more details.

I heard a very wise woman said once: "Men's needs are simple but not to be ignored."

You have been ignored and starved by your wife. And she has made it clear to you that she is dead set on sticking by her mother and tossing aside your needs. What an awful thing for a wife to do to her husband.

You have choices, but NONE should be one where you give up and sign over all your properties and assets to your wife. ABSOLUTELY NOT. You are not thinking with your head. If I were next to you, I'd throw some cold water on your head to wake you up.

You will get old and need help. The assets you worked so hard for all your life should be used to pay for your care when you need it. DO NOT senselessly give them away and keep nothing for yourself. That's a ridiculous thing to do.

Put on your logical hat and keep it on. Straighten up your backbone. (To me, the least attractive men are those without a backbone.)

Besides seeing your therapist, you should see a divorce attorney, just so you know what could happen if you OR your wife chose that option.

Now, you have heard from many posters who offer many good suggestions. However, we don't know your situation as well as you do. So, our suggestions may or may not work for you.

There is one person that I trust and I highly recommend you seek advice from. Have you ever heard of Dr. Laura? She has written many books on relationship and has helped countless people/couples. She also has a radio show where people call in to ask for advice. She is a tough no nonsense person. You can look her up on the internet to find her number. I highly highly recommend that you call Dr. Laura to get her take and advice on what you should do.

Good luck to you and your marriage.

Please come back and update us. We care.

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Thank you very much for understanding polarbear. It is quite correct that nobody here has heard my wife’s story, nor has my therapist- for one reason and one reason only: my wife flatly refuses to acknowledge that there is any problem. No need for counseling, no need for outside advice, etc. As for my backbone, I had a very strong one for many years but it’s just worn out and broken- hence my lack of concern anymore for material things or wealth. Several people here recommended “respite care.” Great suggestion. I tried and again I failed. About two weeks ago, I proposed a 9-day trip to the west coast with my wife. Although I tried to be positive, I knew what the answer would be: “So what about my mother?” Anticipating this, I had gathered information about about three (3) facilities that offer respite care. As expected, my wife wouldn’t even consider it. I brought up the idea about 3 or 4 times in the following week, to no avail. I then stopped asking. Her mother’s actual 100th birthday was last week and we had a small party for her at a nice restaurant this past weekend. Not that I really care, but it cost me about $1,400. A day later, her mother didn’t remember the party and had no idea where all the flowers on her dining room table came from. I don’t think she even knew most of the people who attended- but my wife was very happy that we threw her mother a nice party. Not that I expected it, but in all honesty it would have been nice to hear the words “thank you” from someone. So, for those who say I sound very depressed- yes, I am. Also, my therapist hasn’t been passive. We’ve explored many options and she has encouraged me to bring my wife to attend counseling but she won’t. I’ve tried and tried over and again. For those who consider me a quitter, my only response is that I hope you never have to walk a mile in my shoes. I think many men (probably most) would have ran, not walked, years ago. But I digress- I’ve made my decision. Actually, my wife made it for me (as my therapist pointed out). There will be no ultimatums, no threats, no I’m not abandoning my wife, property or assets. Physically, I’m staying. I’ll still pay the bills, I’ll still be around, I’ll still shovel the snow when necessary (if I can) and fix the heat when necessary (as an aside, my wife called me yesterday morning from her mother’s house during her first morning visit. The house was very cold and her mother was sitting in her living room with a blanket over her. Apparently the heat had been off overnight. The repair was simple- but my point is that my MIL would probably have frozen to death if my wife didn’t check her in the morning). Again I apologize for digressing. As I was saying, I’m staying physically, but my wife has lost me emotionally. I guess I should say I’ve lost her. I’ve made reservations for my west coast trip in April, something I’ve been wanting to do for many years. My wife was invited but never responded. She never brought it up again and neither did I. In late May, I’ll be off to Italy for a few weeks- solo, of course. After that, who knows? I surely don’t know how many more “good” years I have left, but I’m going to make the most of them- while my wife holds her mother’s hand. When my MIL eventually passes (my bet is that she’s got at least a few more years left), my wife will just have to figure out what to do with her life. She could be a widow by then but it’s beyond my control. She’s made choices that I think she may one day regret, but I can’t help her. Again, my thanks for everyone’s thoughts, advice and kindness.

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Jack, how is your marriage as a whole? Do you and your wife share anything? Or is her time wholly devoted to her mom?

I ask because it seems like she is only looking at her mom and how she herself feels. Does she know that you are so burned out with this situation that you are considering giving up everything to find some freedom from MIL duty? If not, you should write her a letter explaining exactly how hard this is and it is time to figure out where your relationship stands.

I have to say that your therapist should not be telling you to leave or that your wife should be there, if you are serious about marriage counseling, you need to find an unbiased counselor, yours is not.

Have you considered being a winter visitor to Florida, you could go without your wife, have a good time with your buddy, she can do mom duty and have her fun, then you both can see if you are interested in continuing this marriage.

I wouldn't give her everything, that is not fair and you have put up with her mother interfering for 25 years, you deserve half, including selling houses and splitting the proceeds, she may wake up and realize her house of cards will tumble down if she doesn't just tell you what she is really thinking, feeling and wanting.

You are not a wimp, I assume you have been a loving, indulgent husband and 38 years is hard to give up. Write to your wife and see where it goes. Unfortunately, marriages do end, especially when one person is not fully committed to the survival of the marriage.

Jack, I hope you get what you want, but I hope you are very certain what that is.

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Good to hear you're still with us Jack. We care about you and your marriage. Guess you could say it "hits home" with a lot of us. Have you considered showing this thread to your wife?

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jack -thanks for the update. it is a very challenging situation. My prayers are with you and your family.

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My wife and I have been married 38 years. I retired 6 years ago and had hoped to enjoy my “golden years” with her, but her mother... Any advice?

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